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Wed 27 Oct, 2004 11:51 pm
My husband of 7 years recently told me that he has been depressed for the last 3 years. He feels that I am part of what is keeping him depressed. We don't have any children and we both work very long hours. He said that he loves me, but is no longer in love with me. In fact, he doesn't find me attractive anymore. I think that is is just the depression that is prompting this. He will not go to therapy. We have been trying to talk more, but he said that sometimes he thinks that is making it worse. I am trying to give him time to work it all out. I am very unhappy, and I have told him that. I told him I don't know how long I will be able to wait. But, no matter what I do, I feel that the end of our relationship is coming. I am not ready to give it up. He would be willing to keep things the way they are currently, but I told him that now I know how he feels, I don't want a relationship like that. Any suggestions? My friends say dump him and move on, but I still love him.
Absence
Maybe you should consider a trial separation. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe he needs time away from you to start missing you and for him to understand how much you mean to him. Also, he needs to get into counseling. Being depressed for three years is no way to live.
Final thoughts: Never hang onto a man who doesn't want you. You have better things to do with your time--like living your own wonderful life.
well he sounds like my wife,but she went to the docs and was prescribed as clinacally depressed.she says she wants to try again now but not sure if she means it.try and get him to the docs it may help.
I was in your husband's shoes at one time. My ex wasted 11 years waiting for me to get better.
If he doesn't get help in an agreed on amount of time I suggest you move on.
I agree with Debra-Law, a trial separation might
help the both of you to sort things out or prepare for
a more permanent solution.
Good luck to you!
He does not want to go for professional help--and he wants you to carry the responsibility for making him depressed?
Depressed people tend to lack energy and making changes is very difficult for them. He's willing to keep things as they are--with you being the Bad Partner.
Get counseling for yourself--you need a sounding board. Start some activities that are fun for you--you need a bit of frivolity. How long has it been since you've thought about what is best for you?
I did go to some therapy, but decided not to go to anymore since he wasn't willing to go. I have been bringing books home for him to read, and in one it described the non-depressed partner as trying to grab onto a drowning person and if you arn't careful you to will drown. I have recently started doing more things on my own and doing activities that I have wanted to do for a while. I have been wearing makeup more often and dressing up for no reason, I am not dressing up for him, because I am usually in bed when he gets home. I am doing to for me. I am exercising more and eating better. I am just trying to keep busy and get ready for a life on my own. It is hard, most people don't take wedding vows seriously anymore, but I do.
It is hard but my interpretation of til death do us part includes the possibility that your partners spirit will die without some help and then you would be drowned by a drowning man.
Most vows include "until death do us part". His spirit is dying and this small death is also killing your marriage.
You have choices--but you must consider the well-being of both partners when you make your choices.
True, Noddy. In the old days one would stay, for better or worse. I just don't know if it's admirable.
Things that make you go ...hmmm.
Panzade--
I lasted 12 years in a marriage during which I was held totally and completely responsible for every moment of my husband's chronic unhappiness.
I kept muttering, "In sickness and in health"--until I realized I was living in a world in which my happiness had no importance in the greater scheme of things.
I might have been self-sacrificing enough to try longer, but by this time he'd taken up alcoholic rage as a hobby and was violent not only to me but to the children.
Love can be one sided. Marriage should be a reciprocal relationship.
Ah yes, panzade.
The familiar dilemma....
Stay in a bad relationship and be miserable for the rest of your life, but be proud of yourself for keeping your vows...
or
Leave the relationship, build a happy, fulfilling life, but be disappointed in yourself that you didn't keep your vows...
Which one is easier to live with? Lonesome will have to decide that for herself, just as many of us have.
We only live once, and we don't have a second chance.
I'd make damn sure, I hadn't a miserable life with
someone who is not willing to share a reciprocal relationship.
I think your husband may be consumed with guilt as well as depression...but taking it out and blaming YOU is inappropriate at best...I have never been married, partly because i feel like you that vows are supposed to MEAN something...I hope YOU get help, experience teaches me that I CAN'T change anyone else only myself...I wish you luck and to YOU finding YOUR SELF and what makes your life fulfilling...good luck! and welcome to a2K
I agree with you Willow. He knows that he is depressed and is not trying to place any blame. After so many years, I just want to see if he is going to change back to normal before I give it all up. I am prepared to go on my own if need be.
I think you got it under control lonesome. Good luck.
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