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Wed 27 Oct, 2004 10:59 am
I met another mom, another single parent. She has a boy, 6, in between my youngest 2... She and I get along great and she asked me to trade babysitting. I often babysit for others, so I agreed and did it for her once so far. Her little boy is a bundle of energy! Constantly on the go, never sits still, threw a fit when asked to sit and listen to a story, colored on my 7 year old's homework, was just a handful...
We've been trying to spend time with the pair since then, get to know them better, trying to figure out how to make things work. The other mom's impression is that things are going fine... (or maybe not; maybe she's writing to others about the 2 whiny kids up the block...?) Anyway, we have gone over to their house, and the boy has a box. The kids were taking turns getting into it and spilling themselves over... Her little boy "helped" my kids spill over by kicking the box over for them. Both of my kids used their voices to express their requests not to do that to them... The mom said, "Kids will be kids," and was ready to let them all work it out. Mine wanted a parent to intervene (I did.) Another time, we were over there, and the mom and I were having a great conversation, and the kids were all playing nicely, and the little boy came over and interrupted us to say, "You count while I hide," to the mom (usually she has been his only playmate...) She said, "Honey, we are talking; go play with the kids," and he kicked out and made a sour face before going back off to play with my kids... My impression was that he was jealous that the mom wasn't involved with him...? But I might be reaching... He often needs to have hugs and fully be in her face when she is engaged in talking to other adults. I remember mine holding my face towards them when they were toddlers, but not since being school aged children... He still does this and she acts like it is just fine to have your face physically turned away by your child and squished so your words come out funny...?
My kids impression of him is he's rougher than pretty much all of their friends. I think he might have a short attention span and problems associated with that, but the mom hasn't said anything, so I am pretending that "kids will be kids," along with her while I'm hoping I can figure out a way to make things work out... Right now, I am hesitant to take her up on her offer to reciprocate the babysitting... Last time we went over I had my car and some books, we decided to bring books along to cover their reading-to quota and prevent another box fiasco. His mom appreciated me reading to the group, then as we were leaving, my kids went on ahead and her little boy followed them out to the car, prevented my kids from getting in, and as I rounded the corner I saw him stomp on my 5 year old's foot! I got mad and said something along the lines of, "Tommy, if you can't get along with my children, I won't bring them over to play with you!" He burst into tears, so I took him in to his mother. She seemed quite upset that I made her son cry!!! I didn't mean to! I just wanted him to understand that we didn't like such rough play! I think I overreacted maybe just a little teensy bit, but my kids were upset by being kicked over in the box and his other rough treatment... I really like the mom, too. I'm not sure what I could've done differently... Any thoughts?
Hmm...I'm not a big proponent of the "A.D.D." scenario....it sounds to me like simple jealousy indeed, combined with a lack of proper boundaries from the parent. It's not a crime, but it is a common thing. The boy sounds coddled, and manipulative. Whatever you may have done, you said the right things, IMO. Now if only his mom could, things might improve.
What I see as dual in mom's approach is that she overindulges his behavior, resulting in the child needing constant attention, and then expects he will understand to not interfere when the adults are talking. I'm sure the kid is pretty confused about that. Just my thoughts.
Do you're kids enjoy playing with this kid? Do they seem to be picking up his aggressive behavior? Have they begun interrupting adult conversations?
That's the bottom line.
They look forward to going over when nothing happens... but after the box incident which was earlier this week, my kids wanted to know that I would try to not let the little boy hurt them... I told the mom I wanted to bring over some books, do something a little less rowdy for play, and she was for that, but her boy was disappointed. I've been trying to problem solve with my kids how to handle him... things like don't go to the same sink to wash hands since he elbows them off and needs to be first... don't get in the box if he says to... don't take a toy from in front of him and if he does that to them, to use their words (Phoenix, my 5 year old, forgot that, and the little boy went ballistic over a wooden block... Aurora my 7 year old made them stop and recount them until both boy had 22 again, but Tommy didn't believe her count, had to do it for himself, then tossed the block back toward my son...) Over the summer they played fine, but lately I feel like I need to be on guard watching-- partly since my son has been acting bratty since I started back to school-- sometimes he's starting things, so I have been watching. The other boy has always demanded his mom's attention and she rushes to give it to him. When we all go places together in my car, I won't answer repetitive questions and point out when he is interrupting adults conversing. I think we have a different parenting style... I've gone over to visit and had them be in the midst of playing hide-and-seek together. I don't think I've played hide-and-seek with my kids since they were old enough to play together... She thought I was odd not to want to play hide-and-seek with the kids and her... That was an odd moment for me. It made me rethink how I parent and I like doing puzzles, making stuff, will even play with action figures, but don't want to dress up and pretend or play hide-and-seek. I'm a grown up. I do grown up things. And her son thinks nothing of interrupting us when we are doing grown up things togther. It's a weird dynamic. I'm only over there for an hour or so, tops, sometimes just a few minutes... Sometimes I'm invited, other times I just stop by, and she does the same to my house... but whenever her boy wants her, she attends to him... which is good when they are helpless, but he's 6 now... But I really like her, and my little kids like her boy (my oldest thinks he's a spoiled brat, but she also thinks that of Phoenix...) It's just a little weird.
If you and your kids can cope with an over aggressive kid and an underagressive mother, fine.
If you dread the visits--quit.
Would I hang with this parent and child? In a word, no.
Listen to your gut instincts.
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