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He's always ignoring me!

 
 
Reply Mon 25 Oct, 2004 12:24 pm
Hi everyone!
First of all I'm from France so sorry if my english isn't great! I've been reading some of the posts and this seems like the right place to ask impossible questions Twisted Evil

Here is the thing: I'm a 21 year old college student, my teacher is 31. I was in his class last year, but this year, although he still teaches at the same college, he is no longer my teacher.

the guy is not married, and I'm almost sure he hasn't had any serious relationship for the past year.

I am more than interested in this guy. There is absolutely nothing going on between us, we just have a great (and I mean great) platonic relationship. I guess you could say that we're friends. We don't spend time toghether outside the college, but then when we see eachother on the hallways and stuff like that we could spend hours talking, and sometimes, most of the times, we end up walking home togheter, or he offers to give me a ride home or sth...
It's been almost the same thing last year, so the annoying part is that
everybody thinks we have a thing going on.

Now everything was just fine until about 4 weeks ago, when I decided to simply tell him I'm interested... Which I did, without going over the top about it, one evening, when he was driving me home. I don't regret doing it, cause I was going out of my mind trying to figure out if he only likes me as his student (ok former student Laughing ) or maybe something more.

I was afraid he'll think I'm out of line but he was really great about it; from his initial reaction i'd say he was thrilled about it, but then he said that he's a teacher, I'm a student, he's not even allowed to think about that. So then I asked him if things could change next year (I'll be going to a totally different college) and the answer was the same, but then he kinda implied that in a hypothetical situation he really really likes me too, and would definetly consider dating me. Anyhows, we ended up talking for about 2-3 hours, bottom line was that nothing changes between us, we're just friends, but that next year.... you get the picture.

So far so good. The problem is that he's been avoiding me ever since. The longest conversation we've had is "Hi! How was your weekend?". I was always the one who made the first step and he was always in a hurry, or busy or whatever so I've decided to give him some space, so I've also been ignoring him a bit, thinking that eventually he'll come to me, but it's been four weeks now and nothing.
I really think he's afraid I want more (which I do, but I can wait).
So what do I do now? Confused How do I tell him that I'm ok with us being just friends for now? I really don't want to lose what we had before...

Moreover, we have this little "ritual" every friday night after we both finish our classes we'd have a coffee at this nearby coffee-house (this goes back to last year, at first it wasn't really planned, we just both "happened" to be there, and eventually it became a regular thing). So last friday (I was really mad at him for ignoring me Twisted Evil ) i simply asked him if we were gonna see eachother that night as usual or if it was still too weird, he doesn't say anything, I asked him if that means no, still no reply, so I just kept walking. needless to say we didn't go out.

What do you think? What should I do now?
Please don't tell me to move on... we used to get along great and I really think we have quite a lot of potential here (I know, I've said that before Laughing )

Thanks in advance for any help! And sorry this turned out to be quite long Embarrassed
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Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 1,157 • Replies: 11
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sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Mon 25 Oct, 2004 01:06 pm
Hi there,

First, it sounds like you've handled a lot of things really well. If you've read around here you've seen how often we implore people to just SAY something, just TALK about it and see what happens. You did that, and kudos to you.

As for what happened since, I'm not sure. You both admitted an attraction. It's hard to go back to being "just friends" under those circumstances. When you're laughing and joking and having a great time but there's plausible deniability -- uh, I just like you as a friend, that's all -- that's different from when you're laughing and joking and you both know you're attracted to each other.

I think he realizes this, and realizes that if you spend time together you will step over the line you both agreed should be there, or it will be hopelessly awkward. I suspect that he doesn't quite trust himself not to step over the line, but really doesn't want to step over the line, so is removing himself from the situation. You might just have to respect that... and wait.
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Crazy-Girl
 
  1  
Reply Mon 25 Oct, 2004 01:12 pm
Hi!

Well i have to admit it wasn't easy to work up the courage and tell him, but like i said, no regrets.

Quote:
I suspect that he doesn't quite trust himself not to step over the line, but really doesn't want to step over the line, so is removing himself from the situation

that's what I've been thinking, but am I just supposed to wait and do nothing? Are we going to pretend we almost don't know eachother the whole year?

It's actually getting ridiculous, we walk past eachother on the hallway and don't say anything.
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jespah
 
  1  
Reply Mon 25 Oct, 2004 04:12 pm
It's possible that his supervisor has caught wind of what's going on (not the conversation you had, but you seeing a lot of one another), and has told him to stay away or forfeit his job. Yes, the rumors of you two dating are just rumors, but college reputations are such that deans and other people in authority get awfully nervous when students and professors see one another regularly, even if there is no known sexual relationship.

I know you don't want to hear this, but don't push it, and seriously consider letting it go, at least for now. Neither of you can do anything about it, anyway, and his job might very well be at stake.
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Crazy-Girl
 
  1  
Reply Mon 25 Oct, 2004 04:25 pm
I'm quite positive that the rumours are only between students, and besides whatever happens between us is... well, between us, I haven't told any of my friends, I'm sure he hasn't told the other teachers Laughing
The rumours are just that... rumours...

Technically we are allowed to date eachother, there is no danger of him losing his job, since he's not my teacher, but he just thinks (and me too, I just hate to admit it Sad ) that it would be unprofessional as long as we're in the same college. That is why we've decided to stay friends... but him ignoring me like he has been... that's a totally different issue and I don't know what to do about it...
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jespah
 
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Reply Mon 25 Oct, 2004 04:53 pm
It doesn't matter if these are just rumors, the dean would be worried about the school's reputation and might have spoken to him about such things. I don't know, I am speculating, but rumors among students don't stay among students forever. Someone on the faculty is bound to have noticed.

As for him ignoring you, if it isn't a job-related thing then I'm with sozobe on this one, he is staying away so that he won't be tempted.
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OCCOM BILL
 
  1  
Reply Mon 25 Oct, 2004 04:57 pm
Crazy-Girl wrote:
So what do I do now? How do I tell him that I'm ok with us being just friends for now?


Simple. Respect his wishes and start seeing other people. Until you do, he has no choice but to assume you are still after him… which you are.

On the other hand, if you want to drive him into your arms; jealousy can work wonders… so start seeing other people.

It's possibly that he's just not interested… so you'll have to get over it. The best way to do that? Start seeing other people.

My guess is, the man is actually a decent human being and is smart enough to know you need some more experience so he's forcing you to go out and get it. Jespah may well be onto something there with his superiors… but his own conscience could be filling that roll just as easy. There are a number of possibilities, but one common denominator. Your best bet to show him you want him just as a friend, to entice him into a relationship or to get over him is to Start Seeing Other People.

Just my opinion, welcome to A2K!
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Joahaeyo
 
  1  
Reply Mon 25 Oct, 2004 05:14 pm
In my honest opinion, it almost comes off that you may think there is more there than there really is. Of course I could be wrong, but I know so little about the situation.

Also, I think him trying to avoid you is him telling you his answer. Even if there is a side of him that is interested (wanted more than flirting), his career is more important. I would respect that as hard as that may be, unfortunately.



Quote:
I'm quite positive that the rumours are only between students, and besides whatever happens between us is... well, between us, I haven't told any of my friends, I'm sure he hasn't told the other teachers
The rumours are just that... rumours...


I agree with jespah here.

Just because you think people don't know, rumors occure most of the time from obvious signs. I want to guess that your body language around him has said a lot to students or maybe his... Since there are already rumors, seeing him or trying to secretly see him is too risky.

There are so many more fish in the sea. If he's meant to be in your life, he/you will find a way for it to happen and it won't be by sneaking around.
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Crazy-Girl
 
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Reply Tue 26 Oct, 2004 02:19 am
Thanks a lot for all your replies!

The thing is i'm not ready to start seeing other people. I don't want to push him into a relationship, that's out of the question, but since I'm sure he's interested as well I'm more than willing to wait this year.

The problem is not whether or not to date him, the problem is I really miss hanging out with him. Should I keep ignoring him too and wait for him to make a move or should I tell him that I don't think we should be avoiding eachother?
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Joahaeyo
 
  1  
Reply Tue 26 Oct, 2004 06:34 am
You should wait.

IMO, you should do your best to avoid him anywhere including off school grounds. Don't make it harder for yourself or him until you're out of school. He is avoiding you for a good reason however hard it may be (assuming he likes you).

Trying to find ways to see each other (hang out) is something he has already decided for the both of you guys is not an option.

Maybe you should take that as a compliment. Hanging out with you may make him want to flirt/be with you ....which he is thinking is bad considering his position.
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ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 26 Oct, 2004 10:25 am
The matter of inappropriateness for professors to date students not in their classes may be different in France than in the United States, where most responses on this thread so far are being posted from.
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Crazy-Girl
 
  1  
Reply Wed 27 Oct, 2004 04:25 am
I don't think it's really different, and besides, it's not a legal problem, we're not going to date this year anyhows.
0 Replies
 
 

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