Help! Wife Won't Cheat on Me!

I think you have no option other than to wait until she emerges from the coma, edgar.

Stop bathing indefinitely. Also stop shaving as well. Start rolling in a minisea of bat guano on the dank, damp floor of the biggest bat filled cavern nearest to you.

Eat nothing but Taco Bell and White Castle as well. Soon, she will be cheating on you (and by cheating I mean leaving your raw and slimy tuchas).

Keep us up to date on your ... progress.

You must not be smoking enough cigars.