First weekend as a P.I.M.P....not really

Reply Sun 24 Oct, 2004 03:58 am
First single weekend in a year and a half. Not bad, but not as good as planned.

First off, this is not an advice, bragging, complaining, or question thread. I'm doing this pretty much as an online "diary" entry. It's 5am, and I haven't stopped movinge in days, so I'm a big winner online right now.

Last night was awesome. My buddy called me earlier in the week to ask me to go out for his birthday Friday night with him. Of course. At his apartment, conversation with his gorgeous young girlfriend leads to me finding out she has other gorgeous young girlfriends, and most importantly, she answers my question about them being promiscuous....in a good way.

Neighbor walks in. Chick. Cute. Not overly hot, but very cute. I go to kitchen and make drink and she happens to be there. After asking if she wants drink, she tells me she does not consume alcohol or caffeine. She does not laugh out loud at me questioning if she is a vegan.

First bar. Show begins. Shots for my buddy, and of course me. One of these shots is off bartender's stomach. I wish I could say I pulled this off due to my own power, but this bar was a Coyote Ugly ripoff, so I had to pay for it.

After a shot or 4, I notice "vegan" staring at me from across bar. I walk up and inform her if she's going to check me out, she should be a little more discreet. We end up talking for a while. Fast foward. Maybe third bar we're at, I'm making out with her at bar. Fast foward. Back to her apartment, which is part of buddy's duplex. Upon walking in, I swiftly respond "JESUS! Don't you clean? This place is a Goddamn disaster!!!" I see cat, and ask if she has 10. She only has one. I again quesition cleanliness, and if she's a cat woman. We're making out on couch. Try to strip clothes. "No." My response: "Im sorry, are we in 7th grade? You want to have a 2 hour makeout session with me? C'mon, let's go upstairs and get naked." She did not follow my advances, and I really didn't care either way. Go back to buddy's apartment with her, and whole time there kept whispering in her ear we should go back and have sex. My tact didn't work, and any shot of sex in the future is gone due to me aggressively trying to close deal on spot. No worries from my end.

Saturday night. No luck at all. Initial plans to hang out with another friend, Austraillian girl and stewwardess for Major League Baseball team get cancelled. They decide not to come to Boston for the weekend. Go to party with a friend of mine who informs me he is not very upset for getting his "ultimate wingman" back in action. Me and this guy are almost clones as far as attitude towards chicks. Except he's on another level then me. Seriously, he's my mentor. Numbers can't lie, he's well ahead of me.

Party is sick. Rooftop deck in downtown with projection screen of game 1 of World Series. Many hot chicks. I'm hungover as HELL, and although I'm never in a non-talkative mood, I just couldn't bring myself to be very outgoing as far as introducing myself. Of course I did meet women, one did not enjoy my joke about me roofing her drink then throwing her over deck onto street after she passed out. No sense of humor, no attention to her rest of night.

My buddy has better luck and brings girl back to my apartment. I bring back my fists. She's pretty young, I give her tour and is impressed with our setup: cars, motorcycles, aparment. Ok, I'm bragging now, but I think the tour gave her a better impression of my buddy(this is the mentor one). At least she humors me by telling me she has friends. I tell her I don't buy it until penis is buried in one.

My other roomate is home. With another guy and two pretty hot chicks. Well, they were hot until they spoke. If you've met me while drinking, I have a "hit or miss" personality. For the most part I'm very polite, and I'm always laid back. However, I have a tendency to call people out when they suck. So I'm hanging out, and I say the word "retard" at some point. One of the drunk coked out girls looks at me and tells me she's offended, because she works with the mentally handicapped. My response, "Ok, so you work with retards? First off, let's get this straight:I have a twisted and non-PC sense of humor. In case you don't know, PC means politically correct. When I make a joke, it's most likely to offend someone. She clenched her teeth. After realizing I may have f'd up a possible hookup for my roomate, I leave my ego at door and apologize. She accepts. I hold back remark it's ironic she teaches retards, all things considering....and then she almost punched me when I called her by her name, and instead of looking directly at me, she looked in my general direction and I said, "hey! over here." She didn't like that one. (this is one of those had to be there moments).

Minutes later, I almost snapped. She turns to me and says, "hey, if you want to score points with me, do you mind going downstairs and grabbing two Bud Lights?" I look at her like the idiot she is and say "I'm sorry, do you think I want to score points with you?" I carry the general attitude I do not ever have to do anything to "score points" with girls, especially complete morons. Not the type of guy that brings flowers on first dates, but I still do ok. Again, checking my ego and realizing my roomate probably wants to bang this coked out loser, I apologize and swiftly return with beers. I then leave, go to bed, and type story online like a winner.

In summary, both nights were fun. Friday I was lights out with the female factor, 1/1. Except couldn't close deal. My fault? Tonight, couldn't go right. Sometimes, even in a great situation, I still can't get a base hit. At least made plans for me and mentor to hit Chicago for a weekend to visit group of girls in a couple of weeks.

Single life sucks.
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Mr Stillwater
Reply Sun 24 Oct, 2004 04:08 am
Extra 10Gs in the pay packet, and only minimal action in the cot this weekend? Life is a bitch and then.....................

..............you get to be a middle-aged burnout with a failed marriage, huge debts, a drinking problem, NO action in the conceivable future (a period of time from here to the end of the Universe) AND the education/weddings of three female offspring to pay for! I must say Slappy that as the latter individual in this story, I am filled with remorse for considering myself as the 21st Century's whipping boy!
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Reply Sun 24 Oct, 2004 07:00 am
Mother of pearl, I wish I could figure out which one of you is more pathetic than me.

I think it's Stilly, no, Slappy, wait, definately Stilly.

Oh my I just had an
epiphany...................................Slappy is Stillys' son!
Well it all makes sense now.
All this chatting has made me hungry, would either one of you like some cake?
I baked it myself :-)
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Reply Sun 24 Oct, 2004 07:17 am
Do you have any pie?
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Reply Sun 24 Oct, 2004 07:30 am
Home made or God given?
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Reply Sun 24 Oct, 2004 08:58 am
Geez, poor slappy, no really. So, maybe your **** doesn't walk because you need to take more than a week off from your last girlfriend before you bang another chick.
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