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My sexuality ruins my life

 
 
Ml12
 
Reply Mon 13 Feb, 2017 08:45 pm
Disclaimer: This is not something I'm looking for "answers" to per se, but rather an issue that has plagued my life for the last few years that I would now like to share with some open ears in the hopes of alleviating the feelings of isolation that accompany it. Maybe I'll come across someone with a similar problem. If you are tempted to make fun of me on this thread, I know that I can't stop you, but please take into consideration the fact that this is not a joke to me. It is an enormous detriment to my happiness that has kept me from pursuing many opportunities to meet women, and has also given rise to previously absent and undesired sexual fetishes.

Here goes. I am by technical terms bisexual, but my entire life I was convinced I was completely straight. I grew up attracted to females and only females. I only had crushes on females. I only got butterflies in my stomach from females. I only stared at females. To this day I am highly attracted to females and never ONCE have I seen a male walk by and felt the urge to ask for his number. I like the female figure. I like breasts. I like butts. I like submissiveness and fragility. I like long hair with a feminine voice, scent and smile. Plain and simple - I am attracted to girls. I am not, however, AT ALL aroused by vaginas and this problem seems to stem from an extremely overwhelming anxiety that has developed and slowly progressed over the last 3-4 years. I am not generally a queasy person. Very few things will make me turn off a TV screen or plug my ears. There is one thing though that can threaten my very sanity with a single thought. I am absolutely terrified of getting blood on my dick. Terrified. I cannot even describe the feeling. I have no fear of blood in any other way or in any other setting, but just thinking about it on my penis makes me tremble. It is the type of thought that literally renders me incapable of sitting still. Anytime it crosses my mind I desperately try to distract myself, and on a few occasions it has been so bad that I broke into full body tremors that left me cold and shaking underneath my blanket for at least 20 minutes. I know that (for the most part) the only times you encounter blood during sex is when breaking a woman's hymen or when she's on her period, but this fear is so overwhelmingly strong that I now cannot even look at vaginas without thinking about it. Before anyone says "once you're inside of a pussy you won't even care about that," mind you that I have had sex plenty of times. Vaginas do feel good, but any physical sensation I can enjoy from them is heavily outweighed by the immense stress I'm enduring while inside of one. I am by no means inexperienced, and if anything, performance has only become harder with time due to the increasing severity of my anxiety. When I **** women these days, I find myself struggling to stay erect, and it's very damaging to my confidence. Being a man who likes women yet doesn't like vaginas, and yet having a sex organ that is obviously designed for insertion, I have slowly gravitated towards the asshole as my hole of choice. I now have a ridiculously huge fetish for playing with women's backdoors (licking them, fingering them, and ******* them) and I can pretty much only have vaginal inter course doggy-style because staring at and fingering a woman's asshole is the only way I can keep from going completely soft inside of their pussy. Needless to say this has limited my options in the dating world, as not many women want to entertain a man who can't stay hard for long enough to **** them properly. I have become very adept at using my fingers and mouth to get girls off, and have yet to meet one that I couldn't make cum, but obviously foreplay alone will not cut it for a lot of them, and I'm pretty sure most think that I'm a weirdo for not wanting to have actual sex... I see beautiful women everywhere I go and I rarely feel like saying anything anymore. I don't see what the point is. After all, even assuming she digs me and my approach works, what am I going to do, take her home and kiss her all night? Even the most innocent and timid girl will get tired of that **** and want to **** eventually, so I kind of just stay in my shell now and watch them all pass me by. It's really weird and disheartening to feel this change slowly unfold. Each year it inhibits me a little more. I opened an old document not long ago on my computer and found a link to a porn video I had saved years earlier. I remembered saving it once I saw the girl in the video, but what I didn't remember is that it was normal pussy porn. I sat there skipping through the video looking for the part where she gets fucked in the ass (and I was thoroughly convinced I would find it), but it never came. Then I sat back and thought to myself, "Did I really used to like this? Did this turn me on at one point?" It's been so long since vaginas or the thought of actual sex turned me on that I could barely wrap my head around the fact that I took the time to save that link. As I stated earlier, this issue has also given rise to other fetishes and fantasies. The anal fetish would be one, but there are others I'm less comfortable talking about. Now I don't remember exactly how or when this other fetish came to be, but I theorize that it also has to do with this problem. I have become very sexually attracted to feminine men (sissies) and pre-operation MTF transexuals. Emphasis on "sexually." Specifically, I'm turned on by submissive/feminine men and transexuals with nice looking assholes who like to get plowed and moan like girls. But again, when I say I am attracted to them, I mean in a strictly sexual way, and it also highly depends on how horny I am at the time and how long it's been since I got off. I am still not attracted to men's faces whatsoever and nothing about seeing a man on the street turns me on. It is a very specific fetish and very different from my attraction to women. I would never kiss a guy nor lick his ass or genitalia like I would with a woman, and I only desire relationships with women, but nevertheless it is present. I am extremely aroused by seeing feminine guys (sissies) and passable transexuals gape their smooth holes open and beg for cock. I am turned on by knowing that some really feminine guy relinquished his manhood and gave up his asshole to me just for my pleasure. As for transexuals (or cross dressers if you will), I am not attracted to most of them, but the ones I am attracted to are like goddesses to me because they're essentially women who only do anal. I would never in my life even consider getting fucked. I have absolutely zero desire to be on the receiving end. I have however developed a bit of an attraction to transexual's penises. I think it's hot watching them dangle as they get fucked from behind. I was with a beautiful transexual woman I met in my hometown (Santa ana) one time and I got a strong urge to spit on and stroke her cock. When she shot her thick load I caught it all in my hand and drizzled it onto my own cock. I then used it as lube to **** her. It not only felt good but it was insanely sexy.

So let's recap:
I love women, am attracted to them at all times, enjoy their company, and want to be with one - but I can't please them or at least keep them happy for very long because I don't like vaginal sex.
I love plowing fem guys and trannies and I can please them all day, but I don't want to be with one and my attraction (mostly or completely) wears off after busting a nut or two.
I am beginning to believe I will be single for my entire life. I can't please a woman physically and I can't connect with a man emotionally. Anyone else out there have problems similar to this? I have nobody that I feel comfortable sharing these things with and it is a very lonely feeling.
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Skeleton
 
  0  
Reply Tue 14 Feb, 2017 07:12 am
Marry a woman who isn't a virgin and have sex with her when she's not on her period. Then you won't feel the need to **** multiple women, and there will be no variables that put stress on your mind about getting blood on your dick. If you're just going around ******* everything that walks, you won't know who's a virgin and who's on their period. If you get rid of those variables and control the equation, there will be no worries.
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Tue 14 Feb, 2017 09:22 am
@Ml12,
Get counseling. Determine why this matter is creating an obsession in you. Not to turn you 'straight' or 'gay', but to understand what's going on in your noggin. Because, spoiler alert, men and women can bleed from any body part. And virgins rarely bleed; that's from the movies. It's not that it never happens, but don't go around expecting it or anything.
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Ml12
 
  1  
Reply Tue 14 Feb, 2017 01:02 pm
@Skeleton ,
I never said I was overly promiscuous so I don't know where the "**** everything that walks" line came from. I feel like you either didn't read everything or you didn't pay attention. I have become entirely turned off by vaginas. I cannot perform 95% of the time when having vaginal inter course. How do you figure I marry a woman with that sort of issue present? I literally have one position I can stay hard in and that's only because I can focus on and play with her asshole. You don't think a woman will catch onto the fact that I'm not aroused by her pussy?

@jespah Spoiler alert? Okay first of all I've had women bleed on my dick on more than one occasion. Blood from periods or from popping a girls cherry is absolutely not confined to movies. I had a girl bleed on my dick a little bit just from ******* her hard. Second of all, of course a human can bleed from anywhere. Did you not read the part where I explicitly wrote that the anxiety only pertains to blood on my dick? I'm not going to be rubbing my dick against a cut on her foot and she certainly won't be bleeding on it when giving me oral. I have unwillingly associated the vagina with blood.
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