Hi Calamity Jane.
Mo is not yet four years old, he has lived with us since just befor he turned two.
Right now I think he thinks of his family as fun friends that he gets to play with sometimes. I know as he gets older that we all might grapple with the questions that you raise.
Having known many adopted kids and kids from broken homes I know there is a certain glamour to the unknown family. Mo's family will always be popping in and out of his life. I don't want to exclude them now for fear of how he might make sense of them years from now. Plus, there is always the chance that either parent could attempt to regain custody of Mo.
But Mr. B and I petitioned for and won custody under our state's psychological parenting law. His bio-parents would have to jump through a million hoops to regain custody. They would have to be truly sincere in their desire to raise him.
Hello boomerang,
thank you for the info. I didn't know at what age Mo came into
your family and I think he was too young to have separation anxiety.
This subject ist quite interesting to me, as my daughter is adopted
and she was 3 years old at that time. Her anxiety level was quite
high and I don't think the interaction with biological relatives would
have helped at all.
That's why I was asking
Oh my Calmaity Jane.
Mo had spent a day or two a week here from the time he was born. He already loved us and we already loved him. Still, that transition to living here was anything but easy.
My heart really goes out to you.
And to She.
Mo's bio-family didn't make things any easier either.
When he moved in here it was "for a day or two" and "for just a while longer". Mo was here for a year and a half before any attorney would even talk to us about it. We got laughed out of several offices even then.
There have been times when I have fallen to my knees and begged the Great Whoever to get those people out of our lives.
But when push comes to shove, I love Mo's mom. Loving her is how I came to love Mo. Loving her is how I came to know things about myself that I never imagined that I had inside me.
Interaction with the bio-family is difficult and I don't blame you for your position one iota. If that had been an option for us I'm sure I would have done exactly the same thing - for all of our benefit.
In our case, that wasn't an option.
There is a very good article in my newspaper today about open adoption. I think it presents both sides very well. Although we haven't been able to adopt Mo and don't know if we ever will, the artilce really captures a lot about how it feels.....
http://www.oregonlive.com/news/oregonian/index.ssf?/base/front_page/1098532860109380.xml
That's a great article boomerang, however, an open adoption can
be considered only if it is in the best interest for the child, and in this
case it happened to be a biological mother who simply was too
young to care for the baby.
In other cases, the children were taken from their parents or
parental rights were relinquished and in order to protect the child,
no contact with the biological parents is necessary.
My precious litte one came through Social Services and her biological
relatives had a chance to adopt her but choose not to, so I felt they
had their chances and neglected to take them.
For us, only the first year was rough, especially since Social Services
was very involved and my daughter feared to be taken back by them.
Once the adoption was final, everything else seemed to fall in place.
I admire you for your taking in Mo without having the security of
being able to adopt him any time soon. The risk would have been to
high for me and I don't think I could bear to be guardian of a child
and not knowing what the future will bring.
You're quite brave boomerang.
I just thought it was an interesting article that was pertinent to the thread. I realize your situation is different, Calamity Jane, as is mine.
Belive me, bravery had nothing to do with it. We really looked at it like this: We could have some time to spend with a boy that we loved. Maybe it would be a short time or maybe it would be forever. We still don't know the answer.
I do some volunteer work with a group that works with terminally ill kids and that experience has made me a bit philosopical about things. There are many worse things that could happen then that Mo rejoins his bio-family somewhere down the road.
We hope Mo lives with us until he's ready to face the world on his own as an adult but nothing comes with guarantees.
You have all given me good advice and by now you're a bit familiar with the situation so I'm going to hazard another question here that is kind of about the same issue....
Some history:
Mo's paternal grandparents spent a lot of time with him right after he moved in here.
After about six months they dropped off the face of the earth.
Six months after that, Mo's parents briefly reunited and lived with Mo's paternal grandparents for a very short time.
The reason for the very short time is because the grandparents were seriously using drugs (methamphetamine). They had no phone, no jobs, no electricity. Mo's aunt (the dad's sister) had been doing drugs with them and ratted them out, she reported that they all had done drugs in Mo's presence.
Okay.....
We never hear from them so it is really not a problem.
Yesterday, Mo's mom calls. She ran into them and they "are doing so great". They have "been clean for six months" and blah blah blah.
They want to see Mo.
Mo's mom called me to pave their way.
One of the questions they asked her was "Do boomerang and Mr. B know what we were doing?"
I told Mo's mom that they would have to meet with me, without Mo, first and then, perhaps I would consider meeting them, with Mo, for lunch somewhere but that Mo was not going to their house under any circumstances nor would he be alone with them.
I have a young woman who works for me that once had a problem with meth. She has been clean for seven years and she tells me that there is always a temptation once you have been an addict. (I considered calling her about this but as she is an employee, that's a bit awkward.)
Is six months of "clean" nearly long enough to even think about reintroducing these people into Mo's life?
He hasn't seen them for almost a year. They could very possibly be Mo's only connection with his father's side of the family - ever.
Maybe I should just move so these people don't know where to find me?
Can ya ask some easy questions? Like, I dunno, how to get him to eat his veggies?
This is all so terribly hard and convoluted.
-sigh-
From what you say, the course you have mapped is a good one -- insisting on seeing them yourself before even considering anything else.
Maybe consult a professional drug therapist?
I think I've asked this before, forgive me if I forgot the answer, do you have any kind of professional support as you deal with all of this? I think adoptive parents do, not sure of your situation (and not sure of adoptive parents...)
It is stupidly hard and convoluted.
I have talked to Mo's doctor about therapy but she feels he is a bit too young at this point. She could be right. I don't know. All I can do is trust her at this point.
When all this started and we tried contacting state agencies they just shrugged and said "good luck, nothing we can do to help" so we just fly by the seat of our pants - every day. There really isn't any help out there. Later there will be for Mo, if he needs it. We try to insulate him from all this crap.
It just seems to get easy for a while and then complications hit.
Honestly, as long as we don't have family issues come up, our day to day life is more how do I get him to eat his vegetables.
I had a feeling that with the holidays approaching that family would start coming out of the woodwork and surprise, surprise!
Locking myself in the bathroom and crying in the shower wasn't really helping so I thought I'd ask....
boomerang,
I wish I could hug you from here. God, girl! You have bent over backwards for these people. I think the grandparents on meth is the last straw! I'd let them visit Mo, but only for a short ime and only in your presence. I mean, where do they get their gaul? Sorry to rant, but I can't help it. I believe in family as much as you, but they have to do something to earn your trust.
Meet with them and talk to them without Mo. You know the speech, "We all have to think what is the best course of action to protect this little boy we all love."
Don't worry now. You don't have enough facts to worry.
Meth users for Halloween. What turkey will show up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Who is the Grinch for Christmas?
Life gets tejous, don't it?
You are too nice, boomer. That's one of the reasons mo is so lucky to have you. You're so considerate of him and his future.
My initial instinct would be no. I wouldn't even let the people I adopted the girldog from to see her again
but, it's probably the decent thing to do. To at least meet with them, on your own, see how they are. Definitely don't let them into your house - if they're going to meet Mo - make it on neutral, public ground, with you and mr. B in very clear attendance - there's no upside to Mo possibly being afraid that they could come into your house to get him.
(... 6 months doesn't really seem like a very long time to be clean)
Yeah. That's what I meant re: drug therapist btw, that if you talked to one he or she might be in a position to tell you more about what being clean for 6 month really means, what to look for, that sort of thing. Not so much therapy for Mo.
Such a delicate balance, the instinct to protect him vs. wanting to keep family ties there for him as he gets older. I have a cousin who never knew anything about her father, not even his name, her mother never talked about him, and of course when she reached early adulthood, she went on an epic quest to find him. (And did -- an epic from start to finish with a drama-filled ending, but I'll just note one interesting tidbit -- she and I have always been closest on that side of the family [the midwest Methodist side], the two olive-skinned exotics, and it turns out that her father was Jewish -- which none of us ever knew -- so we both are half-Jewish, half-Methodist.)
Anyway, "protecting" can bite you in the butt, as you know.
To be wildly inappropriate and take a line from Dan Savage's column today, "The thing about the unhappy cut men, though, is that they can't get uncut, you know what I'm saying?" Whether the cut is of a foreskin or of family ties.
Boomerang
I haven't reared any children myself, so any advice I could give would be rather limited. But I've read this thread & others you've written & I just want to say that Mo is a very, very forunate child to have you as his primary carer. Things could have been SO different for him! What a stroke of luck to have found YOU!
Remember these people are novice non-druggies, but they are also cooks or sports fans or something. Former drug use is only a part of what they are.
Work out visitation rules--you have the upper hand and the mantra, "But we all want is best for Mo." Visits on neutral ground. Supervision as long as is necessary. Absolutely no bad-mouthing any other member of any of Mo's families.
Until he's a bit older, you're just going to have to help him with some of his birth-ordained baggage.
Are these the owners of the witch doll? Wanda? Winkie? Perhaps you can organize an exorcism?
Hold your dominion.
There have been so many times that I wish I had a good enough imagination to dream up Mo's family. I'd be a best selling novelist today.
I appreciate all of you saying that Mo is lucky but I wonder if you've ever heard Aimee Man's song where she says "Can you save me from the ranks of the freaks who suspect they can never love anyone"? When you hear those words in your soul you might question who is the lucky one in this strange configuration.
Sorry.
I'm feeling a bit maudlin tonight.
I so appreciate everyone's comments and support but my brain is feeling very small tonight and I'm thinking that 8:00 seems like a reasonable adult bedtime.
"Pinochio" is in the VCR and "The Stupidest Angel" is cracked open to page 82. I'm thinking I might be more fit to respond in the morning.....
Hope you had sweet dreams--and that you're not coming down with the current cold.
Interesting lives we all live, aren't they? Thoughtful thread Boomerang...and as usual, sincere and thoughful advice. Hope all goes well and what a lucky little boy Mo is.
