Motherless children have a hard time....

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.....when mother is dead, lord.
Motherless children have a hard time when mother is dead, lord.
They don't have anywhere to go;
Wandering around from door to door.
Nobody treats you like a mother will when your mother is dead, lord.

So I get up this morning and I'm making coffee and, as usual, I'm tunlessly singing whatever song happened to be in my head when I woke up. This morning it was "Motherless Children". (Weird.)

A bit later, on his way out the door, Mr. B asks whats up on my schedule for the day and I reply that I'm taking Mo to drop of birthday presents for his sisters (today is their first birthday!) and that I hoped that we would get a chance to see the girls. (They don't have a phone so I can't call in advance.)

They were home so we got in a little visit. This was only the second time that Mo has ever met them.

(Short version, for the record: Mr. B and I are Mo's guardians. The twins and Mo have the same mom. The twins are being raised by their father, and his father. "Mom" is not really involved in any of their lives.)

The twin's dad, and his dad, are always super nice when I see them. I know they appreciate the gifts I bring and the fact that I have them in to the studio for photos on a regular basis.

But still, I don't get that real "Welcome. Stop by anytime." vibe from them. This is understandable - they really don't know me. And I imagine that it is a bit awkward for them that when I see them it usually involves me giving them stuff.

Okay. At long last we come to my question:

Mo knows these girls are his sisters but the word doesn't really have any meaning for him yet.

But I know that someday it will.

Is it enough for him to know that they exist, and for me to try to keep track of the girls and let him use this information in a way he sees fit when he grows up?

Should I try to initiate more contact now so that they grow up being at least acquainted with each other and, if so, how would you suggest I do this without appearing to be meddlesome?

Thanks for your help!

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Oh my boomer, you have so many added complications... I worry about a friend bonking sozlet on the head, you've got this...

Seems like keeping track of them is a definite.

Can you just have a straight-out talk with the twins' father and grandpa about all of this? These things so often devolve into misread cues, and the stakes are pretty high...

The risk of course is that the straight-out talk would result in a more clear expression of LACK of interest from pa and grandpa, which would be tough. But seems like something to get on the table.

Good luck!

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Sounds to me like your doing the right thing right now. Dropping off pressies at birthdays..... as long as the fathers don't seem too mind and you have the will to keep doing that.

Odd situation that the two fathers are raising the twins.

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(I think I figured out that she meant the twins' father, and his father -- the twins' grandfather. But I'm not sure about that either.)

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Yeah, what Soz said. The twins' father and grandfather makes more sense than the twins father and Mo's father raising the twins.

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Yes, I imagine you're right. So sorry, I'm a little 'slow' today.

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I guess I didn't make that too clear - the twins live with their father and grandfather.

These guys are a little....er.... rough around the edges but they are really doing a good job raising the girls. They were very cool today - "Look! Your brother came to visit!" and the girl's father really made a point of including him in the activities.

Still, we weren't invited to the birthday party (I'd heard about it from Mo's mother's aunt) planned for this Saturday until the last minute. I kind of got the feeling it was more of a courtesy invitation than anything else.

I talked to them today about coming in for some birthday/Christmas pictures and I think they'll take me up on it so I should have a chance to talk to them again soon. That might provide an opportunity to open the issue with them.

Maybe just dropping of presents a few times a year should be the extent of things while they are all so young. Maybe I don't need to really involve Mo at this point.

As for me, I know that I will always keep track of them to the best of my ability.

I just don't know whats best for Mo.

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Keep Mo involved. One of the valuable things he needs to learn is that family obligations can be as dull as dishwater, but family obligations are still important.

Had someone been pushing FAMILY to Mo's mother, you might not have custody.

"Bare is back that has no brother"--or sister. Only children can be lonely children.

Besides, sure as shootin' if you make the decision to "protect" Mo from his entire extended family, he's going to be a teenager with enough amunition to make your life purely miserable for seven years.

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I just don't know if this day can get any weirder.

I swear this is true.

Right after I posted this question, I went to the kitchen to start dinner and my brother called. He's really my half-brother. We have the same dad. His mom died in childbirth.

The first fist-fight I ever got into was when someone told me he wasn't my "real" brother.

Anyway. He's is now and has always been my hero and one of the largest influences on my life.

Waking up singing that song, having the day I had, and having my brother call. Weird.

My sister L called the other day too. She's my best friend. Honest to God, we cry sometimes about missing each other.

(My sister S. is worthy of many threads and threapy sessions, though.)

I don't think I would have asked this question if my gut reaction hadn't been exactly what Noddy prescribes.

I know I need to find a way to spark this involvement. Family IS important. Some day, these girls might be all Mo really has for a touchstone.

Mo does interact with his bio-family. I've always felt that the best way to "protect" him is to prepare him.

We're not just open, we're down right flagrant.

I confess I worry about the downright nuisance of involving Mo with his sisters.

(Poor, poor, pitifull me.)

Is it true that that which does not kill us makes us stronger?

Sincerely,
And not quite dead yet,
Charles Atlas

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Noddy, as usual, is right on the money (in my opinion).

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boomerang, little k--

Thanks.

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Yep.

Having the same mother is a powerful thing.

My instinct is to have a talk with the twins' dad/grandpa about this, why you think it's important, even talk about your brother the way you do here. I think you just by being you would do it in a way that would be unthreatening and positive. It just seems like it would remove a layer of uncertainty, and maybe even give each of you additional support for your similar situations.

Is that part of what you're worried about, maybe, in terms of these rough-edged fellas? That the support would go more you to them than them to you?

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Re: Motherless children have a hard time....
It looks like part of the awkwardness may in part be right in your initial post. You have no real connection to the twins. Mo does. You don't. But you're the nice lady who appears and brings presents. Who are you? Where do you fit in?

If there's going to be a relationship, which will definitely have to include you, at least initially - talk to the guys - and maybe without a gift or photo session offer in hand. I'm guessing it is hard for them to reciprocate - which would add to the awkwardness.

boomerang wrote:

The twin's dad, and his dad, are always super nice when I see them. I know they appreciate the gifts I bring and the fact that I have them in to the studio for photos on a regular basis.

But still, I don't get that real "Welcome. Stop by anytime." vibe from them. This is understandable - they really don't know me. And I imagine that it is a bit awkward for them that when I see them it usually involves me giving them stuff.

About the party - is the rest of the family more like Mo's birth family - or his family with you and Mr. B.? How would the guys explain Mo and you to the rest of their family? Is there a concern about your gifts showing up the gifts of the others?

All kinds of weird possible dynamics there.

Good thing Mo's got you and Mr. B. He needs lots of love and cuddles while he sorts out his life.

(((((( hugs to you and Mo and Mr. B. ))))))

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Yeah, eBeth, the gift thing....

I suppose that I have been using gift giving times as a way to approach the family. Its hard for me to figure out another way to do it. I'm not really a drop-in kind of person so even with gifts I feel a bit awkward but at least gifts give me an excuse.

I didn't mention the birthday party - the twins dad mentioned it in the course of describing their upcoming busy week, then he invited me. Of course it could be that they expected the twins mom, my connection to them, to invite me.

As to types of gifts, I usually get them each a toy "from Mo" and Target gift cards from me and Mr. B - since I don't get to see the girls often I don't really know what they need. Nothing too showy.

Clearly, I am going to have to talk to them.

One of the things I really worry about is that I don't really know dad/grandpas feelings about Mom, I know that the twins father and Mo's father do not like each other at all. Mr. B and I try very hard to make sure Mo is not exposed to negativity about his parents. Mo's dad would flip out if he knew that Mo was around the twins' dad at all.

That further complicates things.

Like what about Mo's birthdays? Mo's dad wouldn't think twice about ruining the day if the twins' dad was there. (And so on and so on and so on....)

Also, in this entire cast of characters, there is not one "normal" family among them - one in which all the siblings have the same parents or even grew up in the same house with each other. To a lot of them, these connections are not important.

They might think I'm a total nut job for even thinking this is important.

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I was thinking about what you have in common with the fellas, boomer - you all love kids.

I bet there are some parenting concerns you share - not in terms of problems with the mom, but in terms of raising kids in non-traditional ways. Since these fellas care enough to be raising the twins, well, I just think it's a commonality that bears exploring.

I've seen a number of situations where discrepancy in gift-giving ability has caused difficulties. You've clearly spotted it too.

Talking's good. Are there any of Mo's old toys you could pass on - sort of, "Mo loved this, I wondered if the twins might like the same kinds of things" - that might get them talking about what the twins like/are like/what the fellas are thinking ... ?

I'm guessing, based on what you've said, that it wouldn't have occurred to them that the mom might invite you to the twins' party. The invitation came from them - they're probably wondering about the relationship you all have with each other as well.

hmmmm hmmmmmm
hmmmmmm

Trying to think of a way to equalize the relationship a bit. Kind of hard to develop a relationship at the best of times, let alone a forced one.

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First priority: Mo.

Second priority: His sisters.

Third priority: Any adults who are behaving well to the children.

Then there is the rest of the family....you can rank them below complete strangers, but above child molesters and mass murderers.

I'd talk to the Father/Grandfather. They must have noticed that the family tree for these kids is highly individual. Tell them you don't want to come across as pushy--you just think Mo should know his sisters.

I wouldn't have a gift for every occasion, but when there is a gift-giving time scheduled, ask Papa and Grandpapa what the kids want/need. Are you up to cooing, "I'd love to buy them something girly?"

As for the rest of the extended family, keep repeating, "I want to put the kids first. I want to do what is best for the kids. Don't you?"

Hold your dominion.

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Oh such good advice here.

I can't believe I get such things for free.

I know what the girls need -- a freaking telephone so I can call and find out how they're doing and when can I see them and what they need.

The last sentence of your post, Noddy, nearly brought tears to my eyes.

Mo's family consists of the most self-involved, childish people you could imagine. They all want to put Mo first as long as first doesn't mean before them.

I could cite last Saturday as a perfect example and honestly started typing in the specifics of the day and the days leading up to it but luckily the self control part of my brain kicked into gear before I hit "submit".

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Boomer--

You can't change the whole world, but you can save one kid.

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Thats all I want to do, Noddy.

If I can do that one thing, maybe I'll be reincarnated as a house cat next time.

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Hm boomer, how does Moe feel in all this?
Doesn't he have any fears to be taken away from you, when he's
visiting his extended family?

Is it really in his best interest right now, to have interaction with
his sisters and other family members? Isn't it more important to give
Mo reassurance that he's safe with you and Mr. B?

I only can imagine what the little guy has been through and how
important it is, that he knows he'll be with you for a long, long time
without being confronted with his other "family" which might spark
some anxiety with Mo for thinking of having to live with them.

How does Mo react to all of this?

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Motherless children have a hard time....

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