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Wed 20 Oct, 2004 12:27 pm
Hi all,
Something bothers me badly. I really appreciate if someone (man and woman) can give me some input on how to deal with this issue.
I married with my wife for a year. We love each very very much. For temporary work reason, she has to live in her parents' LA home until next April. Our home is in NYC, I work and live in NYC now. During this special period, we meet twice a month and spend 6 - 7 days together every month.
Next month, her ex-husband will visit LA in a business trip from China. He works and lives in China. For almost a year, he hasn't visited his 5 year old son, who currently lives with my wife in LA in her parents home. This time, he wants to live in my in-laws' home with his son for 5-6 days. It's a two bed room town home, my in-laws live in one bedroom, my wife's exhusband plans to live in the other bedroom with his son and my wife will live in downstairs living room. That's the plan approved by my in-laws and my wife, their reasons are:
1. Her ex doesn't know LA very well, though he speaks good English, has US driver license and lived in NYC for a year in the past;
2. This is only one week visitation in a year for him, so my wife and my inlaws want to provide him max convenience, including room, board and a car.
3. It's not good for my wife's son to live in outside hotel.
Besides this, they (with my inlaws) also plan to go out together over the weekends to casinos and shopping outlets in LA area.
For me, I agree her ex-husband to stay in LA my inlaw's home. However, I don't feel good since my wife will live inside the same house while her exhusband also lives there for 6 days. It's hard for me to take it easily. I don't think her exhusband has money issue to live in hotel for six nights, moreover, I don't think he can't come to see his son more often, once in a year visitation is planned by himself, though he may feel embarrassing to see my wife and my inlaws, who were his inlaws before.
I suggested my wife to live in a nearby hotel during those 6 nights, that makes me feel comfortable. But she said it's not necessary, she wouldn't think to let her ex-husband and her son live in a hotel at all (with the exception of if her ex-husband cross the line with her). She says this is just do her ex a favor, so do in inlaws say. They also think I'm small minded on this.
I'm a little unhappy about this. I'm also angry that my wife and my inlaws don't understand why I'm unhappy. Please advise. Thanks!!!
I am married for 5 years and when my son's father comes to visit he stays in our home with me and my husband and our kids. It should not be about being ex's it should be about the kids. Her son sees his father once a year and he would probably be more comfortable seeing him in his own enviroment rather then a hotel. The child will have his mom and grandparents around and will feel better being in a home he knows.
This is an issue with you becuase you do not trust your wife. If you did it would not be a problem. Look deeper into why you do not want this man around your wife.
by the way when my son's dad was here we all went sight seeing together and to dinner and just sat around and watched movies. if there is trust then it would not be a problem. My husband knows he can trust me and I trust him. even though there is an ex in the picture that does not mean anything. He is an ex for a reason right? so dont worry just let your stepson enjoy his dad for a week. It is good for him to see his mom and dad getting along.
My ex-wife-inlaw visits and stays in our home when she comes to see her and hubby's son. I've always been in the home, too, and that is one difference I see. You will be in NYC. But, it wouldn't bother me one bit if she came while I was visiting family.
I agree it is your problem, not hers or the inlaws. You really need to trust her. Think of it this way, if she does do something with the ex and is that easily swayed, you probably don't really have her heart at all. You won't have it for sure if you make a fuss about this and make her think you don't trust her.
iced mountain - would there be a problem if you were there at the same time?
Thanks for the kind advise swestover and squinney!
I really feel much better after reading your posts.
Thinking backward, the real reason I was angry about my wife was when my wife said she wouldn't want her exhusband to know that she is married. She expressed her worry about her son will tell his father about his new stepfather, she didn't want her ex-husband to find out that I regularly go to LA and live there during the past year. Her reason is not to hurt him badly because from the phone calls and emails, she knows her ex-husband still loves her very much and he still hasn't come out of the divorce depression.
I really don't want to be an invisible husband, though I don't want her ex-husband being hurt either. I think that's the root cause of my anger, but I didn't know how to express it from my end and thus explored it in the wrong topic.
I also don't know if I should call her during those days when her ex is there.
If I were in LA, I would be happy to let them bring their son out together...
Though I never met her ex-husband, I feel he isn't a bad guy. If it's ok with him, I would invite him to my home pickup my wife and their son to the parks ...
That does put a different spin on it. I don't think it's a good idea for you to be an invisible husband/step-father. I can understand wanting the child to have a good visit with his dad, but sort of pretending you're not in the picture doesn't seem good for anyone (other than the ex). What kind of message is that giving to the child and the in-laws?
You said initially that you go out there for visits - could one of the visits be during his trip?
ehBeth, thanks for the feedback.
If I go to LA during his trip, my wife would think I'm on purpose to disturb her ex-husband's annual visitation to see his son . She keeps saying her ex is only here once a year for the child while I can go there every two weeks, why I have to be there during weekend? that's she said.
I don't think there is such comparison between my reunion with my wife and his visitation to his son... and, I'm angry for that.
This is what I would do: when this guy is sleeping, go up with a bowl of warm water and put his hand in it. He'll get real "pissed" if you know whaddumsayin'!
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iced - It would bother me too if she didn't want the ex to know about you. Probably something you need to address in general, let alone as to how it pertains to this situation.
That is different if she is trying to hide her marriage from her ex. That is not right on her part. Her ex should know that she is happily married and there son has a new step dad. That would bother me if my husband hid me from his ex. I would talk to her and tell her it is important to you that he knows you are married. Her ex also has a right to know that his son has a step dad.
I am wondering if there is more reasons then just hurting her ex. If she loves you and is happy then she should tell him. You have to talk to her and tell her how you feel.
Tell her you don't mind her ex visiting but that he should know that she is married. If he thinks she is still single he might have other ideas in mind??
iced_mountain wrote:Thanks for the kind advise swestover and squinney!
I really feel much better after reading your posts.
Thinking backward, the real reason I was angry about my wife was when my wife said she wouldn't want her exhusband to know that she is married. She expressed her worry about her son will tell his father about his new stepfather, she didn't want her ex-husband to find out that I regularly go to LA and live there during the past year. Her reason is not to hurt him badly because from the phone calls and emails, she knows her ex-husband still loves her very much and he still hasn't come out of the divorce depression.
I really don't want to be an invisible husband, though I don't want her ex-husband being hurt either. I think that's the root cause of my anger, but I didn't know how to express it from my end and thus explored it in the wrong topic.
I also don't know if I should call her during those days when her ex is there.
If I were in LA, I would be happy to let them bring their son out together...
By all means call your wife and step son while he is there, you should not have to go without talking to your wife just because he is there. If your wife asks you not to call while he is there I would question it. You are her husband, and that should come before everything or anyone.
swestover, I really appreciate your input!!! So clear and straight. People like you made this forum helpful!
iced_mountain wrote:swestover, I really appreciate your input!!! So clear and straight. People like you made this forum helpful!
thank you, I hope all the advice helps you get through this. You sound like a really great guy and that you care about your marriage. hang in there..
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