I feel so lost with my life, depressed and thought of suicide please someone help me.

Hi all, first of thank you for taking some time to read this. I would really appreciate your advice. I just feel so hopeless and really need someone to open up with as I don't have anyone to talk about what's been happening with my life cause I fear of friends close to me might judge or see me as someone who has no direction in life which I can say might be true.

I'm 23 years old, female and 9 years ago I came out to my family, friends and to everyone that I'm a lesbian. I went through a lots of things for first 2-3 years after I came out that I almost thought of suicide but now I'm okay as my family has already accepted it however I am not very close with them anymore and I still feel that still now, they are ashamed of me, reason why I never went out with them unless it’s my siblings or parent’s birthday dinner. I only have very few close friends, and I only go out like once-twice in 2 months and only if my close friends had their birthdays. Since 2014 I been to lot of places, I have traveled a lot as I feel I can only see myself happy when I travel and it's the main reason why I have too much debt.

I have been depressed on and off, I'm the kind of person who won't want to have long conversation to some people I know and even friends, like when I see my phone rings, I get panic and thinks why this person is calling me. Myself esteem is not high not low, just normal but honestly, whenever I am at work I feel fear or talking to some of the boss and managers because I keep thinking that maybe inside their head I am being judged because I am lesbian. My thinking is very negative and it frustrates me. I am not very close with my family, I hide my emotions to everyone which is very difficult for me as it makes me depressed. Just before new years eve, I was very depressed I felt very sad and my mind was thinking all negative, I was not in the mood to talk to anyone or hang out with anyone, I don’t feel any emotions at all for few weeks that I ended up booking a hotel room for new years eve until new years day to be alone. I lied to my family and friends that I was at work, but reality was I was so depressed and I kept myself isolated that I almost thought of hanging myself since no one cared about me.

I've stopped Uni on 2011, and not thinking of going back anymore. I work as part time in a hotel and I get 35-45 hours a week. I still live with my family and my family and friend thinks that I will be starting Uni this February but I don't have the guts to tell them that I won't be studying anymore and would like to save as I have so much debt that no one knows about.

I'm a very nice person to everyone, I'm the kind of person who likes to give more help not take as I don't want to bother them with their own schedule or finance. I feel so depressed and lost with my life that sometimes I feel so useless and ask myself why do I even exist. Right now, I don't have enough savings but I am thinking of moving out from my family and rent an apartment studio type by myself, I'm aware that sharing a room is much cheaper but I don't feel to share a house with strangers and I'd really want to be alone in a house. I know its not a good idea as I don't have enough savings and my credit card is almost running out but it's the only way that I think I can be by myself, and to teach myself what's priorities and etc and maybe see my purpose in life…Reason of my moving out is that I feel old and embarrassed to my family that my life seems useless and no direction. If you think this idea is not good can please someone comment please I really need help.. Thank you so much

Thank you for taking some time to read this.