GEORGE CARLIN ON THE LOOSE

NAIVE
>
> Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
> peeing section in a swimming pool?
>
> OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and
> the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that
> make the Tennessee Titans ?
>
> If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that
> one enjoys it?
>
> There are three religious truths:
> 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
> 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
> Christian faith.
> 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
> Hooters
>
>
> 1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
> times, does he become disoriented?
>
> 2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
> Holland called Holes?
>
> 3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
>
> 4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
>
> 5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
>
> 6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
>
> 7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put
> your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
>
> 8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
>
> 9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just
> stale bread to begin with?
>
> 10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
>
> 11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
> person who drives a race car not called a racist?
>
> 12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
>
> 13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
>
> 14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
>
> 15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
> language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
>
> 16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
> follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
> cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry
> cleaners depressed?
>
> 17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
>
> 18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
>
> 19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
> men?
>
> 20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
> whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . .
> they're cramming for their final exam.
>
> 21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
> little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers
> use? Toothpicks?
>
> 22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
> What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just
> put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look
> for them while they deliver the mail?
>
> 23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
> exactly are the others here for?
>
> 24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
>
> 25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is
> winning.
>
> 26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
> zigzag?
>
> 27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
> door went nuts.
>
> 28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
>
> 29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G
>
>
>