relationship w/ father

I didn't say more than 15 words to my father from age 16 to about 22. Now though, we have a great relationship. Sometimes there is that weird in between gap...you are not a child anymore but not really an adult (I am assuming you do not have a full time job and live compeltely on your own...so if you are, disregard the adult thing) I suggest just saying "hey, dad...just wanted to say thanks and I love you." and when he says "what? what for?" Just say, "just because." That will tell him everything he needs to know.

When I was younger, I had a tough relationship with my father as well. Is there still a mother involved here? If so, it might be best to bring up your concerns with her first. Never understimate that power. Keep us informed, this is an issue that is close to me.

I do not live on my own... thats why i think it's kind of bad. I live in the same house with him. It is just odd, cus I dont really talk to my parents.. i love them very much and tell them this often, its just that our converstations dont happen. i dont know why, they just dont happen. i talk to my friends with ease. my father has brought this up and he is worried because he doesnt want things to end up like his other sons. he is scared he is coming near the end of his life and he doesnt want the end to be a quite one between us. (my father is near 70 and has out lived many of the men in his family... out of 6 brothers only are left... most of the men in his family died around the age of 50...)

Dad might be having some trouble relating to you as an adult, rather than his kid. One thing that might help is to find completely noncontroversial things to talk about that interest him, e. g. sports, or electronics, or yard work, or what he thinks of some issue, etc.

I've found that with my father, very often more personal conversations happen after we've talked about other things, shared opinions or ideas. If I just launch into something personal, we exchange few words, but if we talk about, I dunno, getting my porch redone or him teaching computers, we can later segue into more personal topics.

maybe I should go into a little background. My father and I have never really had the best of converstations. when i was younger my father was the foreman of a shipyard. He was a welder and would often work shifts for those of his employees who couldnt make it into work... It would not be uncommon of him to work 27 to 28 hours before he would be back home. As it would be, he was gone to work before I was up for school and I would be in bed long before he would be home. So I didnt get to see him very often. My mother was home and thats who me and my sister went to with problems. few years past and im 13 (maybe a more then a few years) and my father is medically disabled. He was home now, and my mother went to work. We lived on a horse farm and after my father healed up, he would preoccupy himself with work out on the farm. I would try to help yet always seemed to get in the way and be told to go to the house and do my home work. We would talk about school and after school activities and things were good... but I still couldnt go to them for things, because I was not used to him being home... And for some reason, I dont know why, but its like Im still not used to him being home. Even though it is now my mother who works and my father who stays at home. It has been like this for about 10 years now... Maybe this will help a little. I just want to have a relationship with my father that isnt just in passing....

Mostly young people your age seem to resent their parents and try to shut them out, so kudos to you for wanting to
have a relationship with your father.

Since you're not eased into a lengthy conversation with
your father from a young age on, it won't happen overnight
either. Perhaps you have a common interest you could
find - fishing, baseball, whatever. You need to brake
the ice and find a common ground for repeat conversations
that will in time get into a deeper level of exchange.

One of my friends always went fishing with her father and
although they sometimes sat quietly with their rods, they
still benefited from each others time.

Since your father has been disabled for the last 10 years,
maybe he feels inadequate to not being able to support
the family any longer or do the things he used to.

Unfortunately, I lost my father when I was a teenager but
I still remember the times whe I came to him for advice
or some silly problem I knew he could help me. He was
so eager to help me and so happy to show me things -
it created a special bond between us, only the two of us
shared.

What's your father interested in? Could you go and see
a movie together and talk about it afterwards? Or read
a book together and exchange ideas. Ask him about
his past: at that age, people love to reminisce about the good old days.

In essence, just find a common interest and work from
there. You're definitely on the right track already Seed

wish I could offer some advice but my father was a piece of **** and isn't missed by anyone...much less me....be happy you care about him enough to struggle with your feelings.....have you repeated what you've written here directly to his face? You need to have this out in the open with him....

BPB, I am touched by your...what is that I see in your post...compassion? :wink:

this thread was brought on by a converstation with my father. he too has seen the lack of relationship that we have... it was a converstation in which he spoke, inwhich tears were shed on his part and mine... converstation is easy for both of us, just not with each other for some reason... it's really frustrating....

Kristie....my post was sincere...the fact that he struggles with his feelings shows that he is concerned and I consider that a positive....I think talking directly to his father about it is sound advice....I struggled for years with my VERY negative feelings about my father and then the prick died before I could get closure...I'd hate to see that happen to Seed.........I wasn't being flippant in the least......

It sounds like you've both made the proper first step...now you need to keep talking....you may discover you don't have a talking kind of relationship but perhaps you will reassure each other that you love one another regardless and your silences will become comfortable because you're secure in your feelings for each other.....my oldest cub and I (he is your age) hang out together without speaking for hours at a time but take comnfort and pleasure in being together.....same with two of my three daughters...only one of my daughters and my youngest son and I talk a lot.....different relationships have different dynamics....the important thing is to know the love is there......conversation is icing on the cake....IMO.....

thanks... thats true... i want to be able to talk with him... i hope we arent the silent type

Seed, is your dad in good health? Would it be possible to go on a walk with him? I often find the best conversations happen when I'm walking with people - we start by remarking on what we're observing - and then move into a real conversation.

Good luck, Seed. Relationships can be tough to sort out.

May I add seed...just one thing. All the difficulties with my father were swept away when he had a stroke and he was no longer "Dad". I urge you to put your arms around him tonight and tell him:" Dad, I love you, unconditionally".

You might never get a chance again.

Ask him about stuff. Stuff he knows about. Stuff from his past. Every body has stories to tell; it's just a matter of finding the right question to ask and then listening. Really listening.

This is something my daughter taught me. She's about your age and we had an awkward time a little while ago. We went out for coffee and sat down to talk, but nothing was happening. Then she started asking me about when I used to teach English, relating it to a course she was taking. I started talking and things picked up from there.

Good luck. I wish you well.

(Hi, Bear, good to see you again.)

Just want to let you guys know me and my father have been talking. its slow going but we are talking longer now. thank you all for your advice and love. i'll let you guys know more as it goes on.

That's good to hear, seed. I think you're both going to benefit from it - as will your children. You'll be a good dad.

Outstanding!