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Mon 18 Oct, 2004 12:02 am
Over a year ago, I broke up with my then boyfriend during the end of summer. I broke up with him because things were not working out and because I had an interest in someone else. After we broke up, I began seeing this other fellow that I had an interest in. I had known him for a very long time...about 13 years. This fellow went to school far away from where I was so beginning a new relationship was out of the question since school was just about to start. I was crazy about him and really liked him. But I was happy just being his "friend" for the time being with the hope that someday we could be together. So before school came again, we went out a few times and shared a few romantic hugs and kisses--I know pretty juvenile...but I am really shy. So he went back to school and so did I. We still talked every now and again on the phone...and he did come back to the city we are both originally from, which is where I am, during vacations/holidays. We still hung out when he returned, but after a while things started to change. I still really liked him and could not stop myself from pestering him about "us." Basically, the phone calls started to become less frequent and I hardly ever saw him when he returned for holidays and such.
Things started to get wierd for me...so I tried to move on. I dated others, but everyone else was just not for me. Finally, after many months, the boyfriend I had broken up with near the end of summer wanted to make amends and give the relationship another try. After much wooing on his part, he won me over and we started our relationship again. We are still together to this day and things are good....he is a nice person, kind and caring...but I can't stop myself from still thinking about the other guy...the one who slipped away. I don't know what is going on with me and I hope someone out there will be able to please shed some light on my situation...
Why is it that after all this time, I still think about the guy that got away? A lot of times when I go out, I will see him and my heart will feel a little squeezed. When I see my girl friend talking to him, I know it's harmless, but I am still hurt. If he buys her a drink or dances with her, I am hurt more. This girl friend has a boyfriend and tells me that she absolutely does not like my ex guy that got away, but it still hurts. Yesterday we all went out and they were dancing together...I couldn't help but think that maybe he likes her...and I was really hurt that my girl friend always dances with him when we see him and his friends. So I told her it bothered me and she said she would not dance with him anymore...but the big thing that bothers me is WHY CAN'T I JUST FORGET ABOUT HIM? WHY DOES SEEING HIM MAKE MY HEART HURT? WHY IS IT THAT HIS TALKING TO OTHER WOMEN, DANCING WITH THEM, ETC. IS PAINFUL? I AM IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP WITH A GREAT GUY...SO WHY AM I STILL HUNG UP ON THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY? Please someone help!!! I don't think this is normal!!!!!
No, it's perfectly normal. Grass is always greener and all that.
We humans love pining for the unattainable. We also love to look for something new even when there's something comfortable, because we think the new thing is somehow "better". It's hard-wired in us, and is probably evolutionarily-based. After all, you can't very well invent the wheel if dragging things around is perfectly acceptable. You don't invent agriculture if gathering nuts and berries is good enough. So we just do this because we're designed to.
But that doesn't mean that we have to submit to these feelings.
You say that you are in a committed relationship with a great guy, but nowhere in your post have I read that you are happy in your current relationship (perhaps it's there and I'm missing it. If so, my apologies). If you are not happy, do not stay with your current squeeze. It's a loving thing to let someone go, to be unselfish about things like that. But if you are happy, if you think your current squeeze is worth being with and worth fighting for, then you need to set your priorities straight.
Another thing: do you perhaps feel (subconsciously) that you don't deserve to be happy? That's the flip side of grass being greener - chronic dissatisfaction because you feel you aren't good enough to be treated right. You may need to look into yourself, and think about why an unattainable person is more attractive to you than what you've already got. Do you think you settled for second best? If the "one that got away" has really gotten away, you will need to find a way to accept that. Otherwise, you will continue to be hurt, and that could affect your current squeeze. If you don't want to hurt him, and I don't think you do, you will need to look into your heart and try to figure this out.
We're here for all the bouncing off you need.
Thanks. Your advice really helped.
Hi there, the way I FINALLY got over the guy I spent the past three years tearing myself up other was this....if he isn't smart enough/good enough to realize what a fabulous thing (myself) that he let go, then who's the one really missing out?? Yeah I know, it's pretty lame, but I eventually convinced myself with it, and I know what it's like to be with one guy still thinking about another....it's not fun.
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