My Ex is Married but Loves me

Reply Mon 16 Jan, 2017 07:54 pm
This all sounds crazy but it all happened to me

So my ex and I started dating and just before we made it to two years she turned 18 and broke up with me went off the radar for awhile during that time I decided to better myself and try to reach the goals I had dreamed of which was joining the army infantry and becoming more fit I started out at 310 that's bad really really bad I'm all the way down to 245 so here's where the story gets interesting one morning I wake up she's at my door not the door to my house the door to my bedroom I come out and she starts to cry and tells me how she regrets leaving and I tell her it's okay and show her immediately that I forgive her and want to work through it but she tells me and you'll like this she's married to an illegal alien from El Salvador who abuses her he has a deportation warrant and everything she got married just after we broke up her family all but disowned her over it and she's only been married two months and she hasn't known the guy for a whole year yet she wants back I truly loved her so if that's what it took to be with her I was going to do it I feel it important to mention I live in North Carolina where you have to be separated for a whole year before you can get divorced I'm still cool with it I show no resentment only support for her she moves in with me that day I drive my truck to her apartment unbeknownst to her husband (who doesnt know this happened) pack her up move her in my house like she wants well we live together as a couple for 5 days perfectly no love lost not a single argument from either of us kissing hugging very close to something more we do everything together during that time clean make diner eat sleep I go see her sister her only relative who didn't disown her and her sisters husband they are happy the other guy is finally out of the picture we go see a recruiter together she's always wanted to join the service but never believed she could fit the fitness bill turns out she's more fit than I am both score high on the asvab I score 65 she scores 73 recruiter says you owe her a diner (we will get there) the recruiter talks a lot about the benefits of being married in the service and I mean I felt like we had a future planned out and everything (hold up) I feel it important to mention her husband has a dead end job working constantly comes home and is apparently a real jerk I learn this not just from her but from her sister so back to the story she quits her job because her husband works there boss was a real jerk too we're all fine I mean these were the 5 best days of my life and I think she felt the same on the 5th day we are working out together and she starts to cry I hold her and ask what's wrong and she says she's married and she has to go back to her husband but she loves me and can't do that to me I support her in every decision as one who loves another should and tell her it's not about me it's about her that night we spend our last night together no love lost kissing hugging like nothing is about to change I'm making her laugh and we're talking (hold up) at this part of the story I feel it important to mention the Salvadorian doesn't have a firm grasp of English one of the reasons she came she says is missing deep and intelligent conversation so as a goodbye we both go on one last date to all our favorite spots we used to go we drink our favorite drinks and eat our favorite food (Root beer and sushi NO not together) then once we go a few more places I take her to her apartment (hold up) I feel it important to mention that not only did I move her out of her apartment but I moved her out of my own in less than a week. Well during the date we talk about stuff and she says things like she wishes she didn't have to go and she made a mistake but has to live with it we're sitting in the truck the hour of departure has arrived I kisss her deeply and hold her hand the tears from our eyes can't be held in as I feel her hand slip from my own knowing it's the final time she gets out comes to my door I get out and embrace her again and say goodbye we cry pull away she starts to walk away and as she gets further I yell to her I love her she yells back the same in response I get in and do the only thing I can do I drive I've never felt worse than that moment I'm sure hell would be preferable to that feeling I felt in my chest even though I know she feels it too that doesn't make it better it makes it worse my love is trapped in an abusive relationship she's still making all these plans to see me but I told her today over text because I have no other options that I can't text her anymore I love her more than anything but I won't make her happy for him she's sad I know she wishes she could have us both and although I would do anything for her that's where I draw the line I'm a Man I don't share my love and if she wants to truly be with that guy then she needs to know now what it's like to be without me again to lose me I feel terrible this is as short a version of this story I can give what I really want to know is what do you think happens next ( I'm planning on joining the army as infantry in less than 6 months by the way sucks to take all this with me.

What happens next?
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Reply Tue 17 Jan, 2017 07:04 am
First of all, the next time you write something, please try using proper punctuation, like actual periods at the end of sentences. And break it down into paragraphs. It makes it much easier to read.

One thing jumped out at me.
she says she's married and she has to go back to her husband
I don't get this. She claims the husband is abusive. She leaves him for 5 days and moves in with you and then she says she has to go back because she is married? Where was her husband for these 5 days? Why did she "have" to go back? Why would she want to go back if he is so abusive? Something just does not add up.

If she wants out of the marriage, I think she needs to see a lawyer. If she married him simply to help his stay in this country, then maybe she can get out of the marriage more quickly if she admits this. I don't know, but a lawyer would. As far as the need to be separated for a year to get divorced, she does know the clock started over when she moved back right? So if she wants out so badly, why move back? Again, this does not add up to a woman who really knows what she wants.

In any case, not much you can do. You can sit around and wait on her to figure out what she wants, or you can go out, talk to other women, date and whatever while she gets things figured out. (She sounds a bit flaky if you ask me.)
Reply Tue 17 Jan, 2017 09:11 am
So I'm really sorry about the paragraphs I realize how much that could help I was pretty frustrated when I wrote this and also I've never been any good at writing.

For these 5 days her husband was at their apartment. (which actually she had to sign for and I offered even to pay the cancellation fee which if you've ever had an apartment that's no small fee)
She obviously didn't have to go back this is what bothers me so much because she is married she feels an obligation to try and make things work.
I do not think he beats the tar out of her I think he's mean has hit her a few times and lacks on the emotional end of the relationship due to the inability to have fluent conversations.
While I don't think he is extremely physically abusive the fact that he has put his hands on her even once so early in a marriage means things can only get worse.

The most important thing to say would be I think your right I think she has no clue what she wants her sister thinks that her sisters husband thinks that I think she's 18 years old she got married on a whim and isn't ready to be married and possibly not even ready to be in any kind of relationship for awhile I just wish I could help her because I am ready I know what I want in life and I've got a plan to get there

I hope I did a little better with spacing and what not but as I said before pretty bad at writing I can read but not so great at writing myself.
Reply Tue 17 Jan, 2017 10:13 am
Much better and so much easier to read. lol

Since for some misguided reason she believes she should try to make things work with this guy, there is not much you can do. Maybe she thinks she has to try because she is too embarrassed to admit to her family that she screwed up big time. I don't know.

All you can do is to be a friend, give your opinion when she wants it, and hope she comes to her senses. But again, in the mean time, you do not need to put your life on hold.

Good luck.
Reply Wed 18 Jan, 2017 07:08 pm
I agree with CoastalRat here I'd like to add that you also need not to believe everything. As mentioned she left her husband for 5 days and than went back? That is highly questionable.
Reply Wed 18 Jan, 2017 09:28 pm
I'm not putting my life on hold at all but unfortunately my life is already kind of on hold I need to get more physically fit before I can join the military so my life is kind of on hold whether I want it to be or not all I do is excercise and diet 24/7

Uwe I don't really understand what you mean by saying it's highly questionable do you mean to say you think she confused or there is something I don't know or...?

Everyone has been telling me to not let this hold me down and to focus on my goals and I am but people should know focusing on other things doesn't make this all go away this was a person I truly love it's not as easy as deciding not to think about it
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