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Thu 14 Oct, 2004 07:19 am
Hi All! Though this is my first post to these boards, I've been lurking for the past few months and not only do I respect your input, I have enjoyed your banter and sense of humor as well.
This is my story and I'll try to keep it shortÂ…
My boyfriend and I, we're both in our mid-forties, have been together for the past four months. It is the first relationship for both of us since parting with our respective former partners over a year and half before meeting. We met while I was on vacation through mutual friends and it was, literally, love at first sight for both of us, though I must admit that I didn't really believe in such a thing before this happened. Everything clicked right away. We have everything in common - hobbies and interests, temperaments, sense of humor, likes and dislikes - everything. We are completely open and honest with each other and the sex, my god, the sex is completely amazing between us. I have never been so in love with anyone and vice versa.
So, what's the problem? Within two weeks he started talking about getting married. At first, I found this to be a bit daunting and told him that I wasn't that comfortable discussing it - it was much too early. He responded that "if it's right, it's right," and he felt that our relationship was the most right thing in his life. He's never been married, in fact, has never wanted to marry anyone before. I was once married for five years to an abusive man that ended in divorce over ten years ago and swore I would never get married again.
Over the past month we've decided that we will get married next spring and, though we're not officially engaged, have begun to tell our friends our plans. Some have remarked that it's too soon; others have stated that we're both old enough to know what we want and have been very happy for us. We're both ecstatic over the idea, but I have this little nagging fear that it IS too soon.
I do realize that my fear is mostly due to my past experience, but I can only wonderÂ… how soon is too soon? Is there really anyway to know for sure? When and how did you know it was the right time?
the marriage dilemma
I know exactly how you feel.
I was also married for five years. I was also divorced for 10 years and was in my forties when I met "the one." I can describe my man in many of the same ways that you describe yours. Oh yes! There is nothing better than love and sex in your forties when you're with the right one.
We also became engaged within three months of becoming a couple. We also worried that it might be "too soon," so we agreed to a year long engagement in order to really get to know each other. That was several years ago.
We live together and are extremely happy with our relationship. Last summer, my man mentioned that he wanted to "make an honest woman" of me. He has never been married, but he wants to marry me.
Me? I don't want to rock the boat. I don't want to get married. My former five year marriage was all the "marriage" that I want to endure. I think of marriage in jinxed terms. Your fear of marriage due to your past experience is understandable. You're not alone.
It's not too soon to become engaged. You don't plan on getting married until next spring and that gives you time to make sure the two of you are truly compatible. The only major obstacle is finding out whether or not you can shake your fear of marriage even if you're with the right one.
An engagement can be as long or short as you like. If you want to declare possible future intentions to your friends and family, then by all means get engaged. If they press for details as to a wedding date, tell them you haven't set one yet. They may persist (that's what happened when my husband and I were engaged; that's the first question out of everyone's mouth), but stand your ground. My husband and I were engaged for 2 1/2 years before we wed. Your friends and family can hold their horses.
BTW, congratulations on your great relationship and welcome to Able2know!
I was never one to fall in love quickly. I would always find faults in women that I dated... until I met my wife. I went home after our first date and knew that I would one day marry her. We began talking of marriage with in a couple of months of dating. We just fit together, we both knew it and didn't need more time to either prove or disprove our feelings for each other.
That being said I agree with Phoenix when she said if YOU think it is to soon then it is. If you are uncomfortable with the time frame you should sit down and tell your partner how you feel. I am assuming that you do want to get married but just want to slow down the proccess a little bit. If he loves you like he says, then he should have no trouble understanding that and repecting your wishes.
Good luck with your plans and welcome to A2K.
If you're wondering if it is too soon, then it's too soon.
Thanks for your input!
Just a few things to note... first of all, he's not shooting his mouth off. We've both told our nearest and dearest friends, but that's about it. He's not pressuring me to do anything I don't want to do. I do love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm not so sure how quickly I want to jump into it.
Secondly, I failed to mention that our relationship is a long distance one. We've been physically together for 23 days over the past four months, but spend an average of four hours on the phone everyday. I think that kind of changes the landscape a bit.
Lastly, your advice of going ahead with the engagement now, but waiting to actually get married is sound, makes perfect sense, and is something I'm very willing to heed.
Thanks again!
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