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Trying to end long term relationship - Fallen out of love

 
 
Reply Tue 27 Dec, 2016 09:52 am
Hi,

I'm a 23 y/o married woman, and I am feeling like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have been in a relationship with my s/o for 4 years, but I believe I have been falling out of love with them for the past 1 yr+. Basically, a lot of unhealthy things have transpired in my relationship since the beginning (physical abuse, emotional manipulation ect), but it was just something I took because I was in love, young, and always hoped it would get better. I told my partner I don't know if I will ever truly be able to move on from some of the things that have happened just because it was abuse and I now know I don't deserve those things no matter what the excuse is. They have been trying to work on these issues and haven't been physically abusive in about a year, but have still done things that I have found intimidating and not okay (breaking things, running out and verbally attacking myself and friends) and they say they are trying, but cannot control their anger but will work on it. It's gotten to a point that even though things have gotten somewhat better, my mind and heart are already out of it. They are still very in love and express that to me every day, even saying they should have treated me better, but since I am already checked out and feel like I have started to move on I don't know what to do. I feel so weird coming back a year later and saying "these things you did have broken my trust and I don't think I can move on" when I feel like I should have said things as they were happening. I just don't know what to do. I am extremely conflicted partially wanting to see what could happen, but part of me just wants to say that I will still try to be there for them as a supportive friend, but I can no longer be in this. I don't know what I'm looking for here, maybe just someone that understands or has been in a similar place before. Did your partner actually change, and were you able to work things out. I am removed physically from the situation right now as they are in another country for the next few months, but I think that's really what's given me time to reflect. Any advice, even from those without experience in a similar situation wanted!
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Type: Question • Score: 1 • Views: 448 • Replies: 8
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jespah
 
  2  
Reply Tue 27 Dec, 2016 10:09 am
@Dtothebook,
You'll be waiting for the other shoe to drop for the rest of your days if you stay.
0 Replies
 
Olivier5
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Dec, 2016 10:11 am
@Dtothebook,
How many husbands do you have?
Dtothebook
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Dec, 2016 10:18 am
@Olivier5,
Excuse me? Just the one spouse, and she's my wife....
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Dec, 2016 10:41 am
@Dtothebook,
Dtothebook wrote:
They have been trying to work on these issues and haven't been physically abusive in about a year, but have still done things that I have found intimidating and not okay (breaking things, running out and verbally attacking myself and friends) and they say they are trying, but cannot control their anger but will work on it.


Has your partner sought professional help for this?

Have you gone for individual or couples counselling?

It sounds like you are best off out of the relationship, at least on a temporary basis as you are now.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Tue 27 Dec, 2016 10:43 am
@Dtothebook,
Dtothebook wrote:
I feel so weird coming back a year later and saying "these things you did have broken my trust and I don't think I can move on" when I feel like I should have said things as they were happening.


it's true that it's best to say things when they are happening, but as you are/have been in an abusive relationship it's understandable that you'd be afraid/uneasy to say something to the abusive partner.

it seems like both of you need help from a third party to deal with this - up to and including how to break up in a healthy way
Dtothebook
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Dec, 2016 01:10 pm
@ehBeth,
We were both seeing counselors. I'm still seeing one now cause I think it's productive for everyone to have an objective party to speak with and share openly about life. Of course I'm not perfect and have items to work on as well, my issue is that she is completely inconsistent with mental health care and will make reasons she won't go for months, but will push me to still go and say that if I don't cause of money or whatever I'm giving up and not working on things, but then she will just not refill her medicine and wait until I notice because she's so on edge, andI have to take the responsibility to go pick it up even though she knows she acts erratically without it. And my thing is, if you know you're illogical and out of control without mental help and medication that should be a priority. Living with someone completely emotionally unstable for the last 4 years has just really worn on me and it's not something I think I'm willing to endure any longer. I hope that doesn't sound awful, but I just can't take walking on eggshells and getting lashed out on constantly anymore and then having the person just say "my bad". I'm just at a point where I don't know if even if things did change I'd want to stay just because of all of the bad experiences all combined. It's like I can't get that tape to stop playing in my head, but I know it's not fair to stay and hold it over her.

**She was being treated for severe depression and anxiety in the past, but was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder if that helps.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 Dec, 2016 05:26 pm
You are young. Get out of this marriage and move away.

Sorry to be so blunt, but it is clear that you are not into really working on this marriage with a person who has so many issues.
0 Replies
 
kitman
 
  1  
Reply Tue 31 Jan, 2017 03:13 am
Sometimes moving on can be hard and hurts, but holding on to something that can never be is even harder and hurtful.
0 Replies
 
 

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