can someone explain this

I'd bet the entire buck and a half in my pocket that she is no where close to being in love with this other guy. She's hurt. Well, actually, she's more like enraged and is doing this whole marriage scene to Mr. Vegas as a vengeful act to spite you. You say that you broke up with her to give her the chance to do some things in life as you had done. Did she get any input into this decision or was it just your notion or idea that she wanted or needed to do these things? Besides, you don't get four years into a relationship and a year of that engaged and then just say..."Honey, we need to break up so you can go and do some of the things in life that I have already done" and expect her to be happy about it! Why didn't you think of any of this breaking up stuff before you ever got engaged? Sounds to me like there is something else in this story we don't know about......

easy
You got cold feet, you imagined reasons to call off the engagement, and you dumped her. Of course, you told her you were doing this for her own good in order to feel justified about your decision. No matter how you justify it, you still dumped her.

She immediately entered a rebound relationship. People who are dumped by the person they love often rebound because they have an overwhelming need to feel wanted by someone . . . anyone!

I agree with Lady J. Under different circumstances, your ex-girlfriend probably wouldn't rush into an engagement and plan a Vegas wedding--but YOU DUMPED HER and she wants to rub it in your face that if YOU DON'T want her--someone else does.

Why would she plan a Vegas wedding? Why not? She was in love with you. She was planning her DREAM WEDDING to YOU. Why would she want her dream wedding with anyone else? A spiteful Vegas wedding is all she needs right now.

She was in love with you, you rejected her, and now she just doesn't give a damn. Self-destructive? YES. Is it any of your business? NO. You dumped her. Let her get on with her life; let her make her mistakes. (After all, she made a mistake with YOU--what's one more mistake.)

Re: easy
O.k this is harsh to say the least especially after what i found out about recent events, apparently she was seeing this guy behind my back which would explain the her being so calm when i decided to break up. Your right it is non of my business now but the constant phone calls and texts the lies she speads about me is driving me crazy, i texted her saying that we need some kind of closure because its driving me crazy, she said she doesnt need closure. If she is truly over me and even getting married next week why won't she just leave me alone to get on with my life. I'm sorry things didnt work out but i really don't need this!

don't return her phone calls.
don't return her texts.
tell her to leave you alone.
you are better off without her. there is no such thing as closure. it's a myth. you should have gotten your "closure" when you broke up. after all, you did the breaking. not to mention, why did you break up with her if it was her that needed to do those things? had she expressed a need to do those things?

my advise is to ignore her and get on with your life like she's already gotten on with hers.

Re: easy


The kind of smug,smarmy unfounded character asassinations that signal it's time to give A2k a rest for me.

Well, off hand, I am somewhat sympathetic to the three of you.

Marriage is a big step and calling off a wedding is sometimes smart. I can see being thrown by a big expensive wedding, as sometimes the dreamday business supplants dealing with what marriage actually means. I don't think a break up is always a dump; you did say you still love her. You might even have been wise, given this new development, as far as her possibly needing some more time before marrying.

It does seem as if she is doing a rebound to show you and herself, what? that somebody wants to marry her.
This is hard on the other guy, if not now, perhaps in the future.
(Unless, unless, she was confused on who she loved.)

I can see her state of emotions, as she had been building up to this big wedding, that could contribute to a rebound thing.

All the text messages are probably trying to get you to stop her, though that is just a guess on my part.

Seems to me you two could possibly have a good long talk, but it might be very emotional, and you might end up switching grooms or something .. which would be a bit hasty.

Re: easy



Craigjayo:

Throughout life, the two "C's" will always coexist. We engage in CONDUCT and there are CONSEQUENCES. Sometimes the consequences are unexpected and harsh, but that is life.

You engaged in CONDUCT: You broke up with your fiancee. You were together for four years. You were engaged for the last year. You called off the engagement. You broke up with her.

There are CONSEQUENCES: Your ex-fiancee rebounded into the arms of another man.

Maybe those weren't the consequences you expected, but that's what happened. How did you want her to react when YOU broke up with her? What were your expectations?

Instead of engaging in pity or sympathy for how YOU feel, try to engage in empathy. Try to stand in your ex-fiance's shoes and try to understand how she might feel from HER perspective. Aren't these questions that she might be asking herself: Did she make a mistake in judging or trusting your commitment to her? Did she make a mistake by investing four years into a relationship with you?

She told you WHY she's jumping into marriage with someone else so soon--because investing four years into her former relationship (with you) didn't pay off. From HER perspective--using empathy for another person's feelings--don't you think it's fair for her to view her long-term emotional investment into you as a mistake?

Were you playing games with her when you broke up with her? Were you trying to accomplish a result other than ending the relationship? Were you trying to get her to give up her idea of a "massive expensive wedding in Ireland" and settle for a more sensible wedding at home? If you were aiming for a result other than permanently breaking up with her, you went about it in the wrong way. You made a mistake.

But the bottom line is this: YOU broke up with her. If a permanent break up was the intended result (consequence) of your conduct, then you made your decision and you have to move on with your life. The same goes for her. She has to move on with her life without you.

You need a clean break. Don't answer her calls or text messages.

Debra_Law, stabing him once into his already bleeding heart is probably enough, no need to repeat it over and over

I think, at this point, Craig is trying to get on with his life and is
merely questioning why she won't leave him alone. Yes, he could
ingore her phone calls and messages, yet it's easy for us to say,
not being emotionally involved.

I like ossobucco's advice of getting together and have a long talk. I'm
a firm believer in communication, and I think this is good advice
Craig.

Good luck!

I mostly agree with Debra's posts, usually re law issues, over time, but here and there I don't, and see a kind of punitive thing going on re a personal construct. ... not that I don't understand doing that, we all do, but in some cases hers get tremendously judgemental.

And that lands on the individual new poster.

I am not without failings in this myself.

But we really ought not to dump whole loads.

judgmental
I don't intend to be judgmental. I am semi-retired now, but I still handled a ton of divorces. Of course, by the time the divorcing spouse came to my office, the relationship was generally irreparable. The things that I saw the most in these broken relationships were:

Failure to engage in effective communication. Many relationships can be saved if only people would talk to each other and attempt to understand and validate their partners' feelings.

Lack of Empathy (and insensitivity). Some people are just selfish or narrow-sighted. They can't see how their conduct or their demands, etc., cause pain to their partner.

Failure to accept personal responsibility. Some people won't acknowledge that their own conduct triggered the problems they are complaining about. Blame shifting is counter-productive. Unfortunately, there are usually consequences. However, people don't want to accept responsibility for the consequences of their own conduct.

Failure to engage in unconditional love. This doesn't mean that anyone should tolerate abuse, this simply means that one needs to accept that one's partner is not perfect and one should not make a mountain out of molehill. Petty complaining about one's spouse chips away at the relationship.

Refusal to engage is self-evaluation and refusal to fix whatever is within their power to fix. They want to portray themselves as the "good" one who is suffering and they want to portray their partners as the "bad" one who is causing their suffering.

If the poster only wants sympathy and wants to be told he/she is the "good" one and his/her partner is the "bad" one---then maybe that's all we ought to do. God forbid if anyone should ever suggest that the poster might have to accept responsibility for his/her own problem and engage in effective problem-solving.

Poster: My wife states she's afraid of my desire for kinky sex and won't have sex with me anymore.

Responder: Poor you. I feel so sorry for your situation. You are not to blame for your wife's refusal to have sex. Take her to a counselor and hopefully everything will work out. HUGS!

Poster: Here is my one-millionth petty gripe about my pouty wife. We got a bite to eat after the movie. My wife ordered a meal and I ordered an ice cream cone. My wife forgot to order a drink and realized this after we sat down. What was I suppose to do? Go get her something to drink, struggle with my wallet, and allow my cone to drip? My wife gave me the silent treatment because I wouldn't get her a drink.

Responder: Poor you. I feel so sorry for your situation. Your wife shouldn't pout about little stuff like this, after all, your ice cream cone might have melted. You're the good one--she's the bad one. HUGS!

Poster: I broke up with my fiancee. I still loved her, but I wanted her to see the world and I didn't like the massive wedding she was planning. Now, four weeks later, she is engaged to someone else. Explain that!

Responder: Poor you. I feel so sorry for your situation. If your ex-fiancee became engaged to someone else so soon after your break-up, maybe the two of you just weren't meant to be. Good thing that you broke up with her and found this out before you got married. You're the good one--she's the bad one. HUGS!

Certainly. We can give HUGS and sympathy to everyone who posts. God forbid that we might actually give these people something to think about and apply to their relationships--even if it's not what they wanted to hear.

You're funny debra_law.

Meanwhile, here's what I see, Debra:

Poster: I am having a hard time with my girlfriend. She doesn't seem to trust me.

You: Well obviously she has a reason! You're trying to make it her problem but I'm here to tell you it's YOUR problem, Mister. You need to listen to her, you need to pay attention to what she's saying -- not just smile and nod -- you need to make her feel like someone who is valued and worthy, and then maybe she'll trust you! I can't get over how men think they can go out all night with their friends or keep sneaking porn or lie about where they're going and then get all shocked when their women don't trust them. It's so much easier to just blame the women.

______

I've already addressed this, Debra, but I find it getting worse again so will say again -- there are many more shades of gray in the universe than you seem comfortable with.

Oh, I got one...

Poster: My husband sometimes looks at other women.

Reason: That's because he is a filthy lying pig who only pressures you to do things that you don't want to do. First it is looking at other women... next you will find him in the garage dressed as a baby being spanked by a dominatrix who is riding a donkey. Plus they are both high on crack cocaine. If he were only more aware of his own short comings then everything would be alright with your marriage because nothing could possibly be the womans fault. He lies about looking at other women because he is cheating on you. You should divorce him as soon as possible.

Don't we all want at one point or another some sympathy,
especially when we're hurting?

Sorry to say Debra_Law, it seems you're burnt out from
being a divorce lawyer and carrying around too much
baggage therefrom.

Craig has made a mistake and is coping with the consequences, and I also can see him taking responsibility
in not wanting to continue the aftermath. What you're reading into his posting is something entirely different though.

I think there's a lot of truth in what you say, Debra. I just think you often come across too harshly. It's possible to be truthful and sympathetic at the same time.