Attraction in relationships

:-? I don't agree with that, from my own experience and the experience of my friends. I have a lot of male friends. Some of 'em used to be lovers, most of 'em aren't. They're all potential lovers, in any sexual orientation sense.

How recently did you come out? I ask because this and the other question you had that I just responded to suggest to me that you're still working out where sexual identity issues end and plain ol' relationship issues start...

I've been out for 6 years now. I do know very few lesbian couples who seem to be really happy and have been together for many years, but... they're very "rare" in my gay community.

I'm feeling as if I'm being attacked... which is okay because maybe I need this to understand what's truly going on, but at the same time I feel as if you're reacting without trying to understand.

Sorry, don't mean to be attacking you. Mostly trying to clarify.

This is a pretty strong statement, though:



A) I don't think this is unique to the gay/ lesbian community -- it's true of heteros who have opposite-sex friends, too, and B) I know plenty of happy queer relationships. The ones who aren't aren't for a lot of reasons, so this seems simplistic to me.

But definitely welcome to A2K and sorry if I'm being too harsh.

No apologies needed. Maybe I just don't want to admit that I'm seriously doubting my relationship. I love her very much, but yeah, we've had lots of rough spots. The thing is, I've been in hetero relationships and we've never dealt with the friends being attracted to friends things to the extent I have while being in gay relationships. You can pretty much ask anyone in our community and they'll all tell you it's completely full of drama. I've distanced myself from the community years ago, but have recently been pulled back in through a good friend of mine. I don't know... I think I have too many conflicting thoughts in my head and I just need time to listen to my heart. I was just hoping I could start by venting to people who don't know a thing about me and I think it just might be working.

That's good, sidgirl!

Yeah, I've been part of the community in a few ways. I lived in a housing co-op with a large lesbian contingent, and there was definitely a lot of drama. A lot of drama with the heteros, too, of course. I do understand what you mean about friends being attracted to friends.

But definitely happens with straights too, and definitely doesn't happen with all lesbian couples -- it can be done, and if that's what you want (committed relationship without jealousy drama), go for it. Don't let yourself get sidetracked.

Good luck!

Thank you! I certainly could use some right about now.

FEAR is the core dynamic under any negative emotion. Being gay has NOTHING to do with jealousy.

If someone is jealous in a relationship they are probably afraid/fearful of losing their mate.

If you haven't given your lover reason to question your love for her, i.e. cheating or excessive flirting, then your lover is more than likely an insecure person.
The only thing a person can do is to sit down with their mate and tell them they love them and they will be there for them, if they are willing to work on their issues.
If the jealousy continues and it spurns fights, I would get away from that person, their showing you that they haven't changed and this is what you can expect in the future.