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Is it all my fault?

 
 
LLAB
 
Reply Sat 10 Dec, 2016 09:18 pm
A while back (August) my now ex partner and I got in a nasty fight that turned physical whilst on a snow trip with my family (being paid for by my parents).. She was complaining of a sore ankle after a day on the slopes and worked herself into such a state about it that she refused to come from our room to dinner with the rest of my family. instead had to serve her dinner in bed. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't unsympathetic about her injury and myself and the rest of my family had happily tended to her all evening. Before dinner shed said she'd like to have a nap while the rest of us had a drink. She subsequently slept through the time dinner was being served so I rushed down to our room to get her. She was clearly in some pain so I got her painkillers and waited with her trying to comfort he her anyway i could could until then aim eased. I then tried to help her get dreSsed and get upsatirs for dinner. I began to get frustrated because despite my efforts I felt she gave little back and she wasn't very adult in dealings woththe situation but rather her behaviour resembled something more like a tantrum and she was so hysterical I had to give up and put her back to bed. I knew she struggled with anxiety generally and I tried to be accomodating of that, but I felt shed allowed some silly anxietys manifest to the point that she was just being rude And I could tell my family were starting to take offence. annoyed at her behaviour I tried to leave and go and join the rest of the group to finish my own dinner but was met with insults and made to feel guilty for leaving so I stayed with her. However, the fight just got worse and turned nasty as we both devolved to insults and as tempers flared I got in her face to challenge her to repeat one of her more nasty insults. Somewhere in this exchange she punched me in the face and I reacted by grabbing her sore ankle. She was reduced to some form of panic attack so I got her some ice and water and sat at the other end of the room. From there things cooled down and eventually we went to bed together talked things out and all seemed forgiven .
Nothing more was ever said about the fight and our relationship continued as normal after that.

Around 6 weeks later, right before my birthday, during an innocuous petty argument over the phone she suddenly said she no longer wanted to continue the relationship. We spent the next few days together talking things out and essentially her reasoning boiled down to that one nasty fight as the sole reason she wanted to end things. She claimed to be struggling to deal with it as it weighed on her mind during other arguments etc and she claimed it had affected her significantly, resulting in nightmares and flashbacks. She even went as far as to say that she wouldn't change anything about us other than that one fight and the whole ordeal was very back and forth as to whether she wanted to stay or leave. She seemed genuinely confused and distraught about the prospect of us ending.
We left things on the premise of us taking some time a part to work things out. However I felt her became colder and distant over the next few weeks and communication came to an almost complete stop.

It was after this that I discovered that she was back with her ex, she had gotten back with him almost immediately and was in the process of moving in with him (less than a month after our "break up")and as it turns out, had been talking to him and seeing him behind my back for a short time after our fight. Her attitude towards me was suddenly one of anger and hatred with claims that I was an abuser and she was afraid of me and false accusations being levelled against me. She had told other people that I pinned her by the throat, but admits to me she knows it's not true. Despite that, she refuses to admit to others that it's not true. She also seems to completely discount her hitting me as a relevant factor and has taken little responsibility for it.

Despite all of this, she maintains that she contacted her ex desperately seeking help after the fight and he was there to support her and somewhere in the proc
ess she fell back in love with him as a by product, but that she had no desire or reason to contact him other than that fight and she never would have contacted him or thought of leaving me if I hadn't been aggressive toward during the fight. She claims our break up had nothing to do with him but was purely over our fight.

And this is where Im stuck. I feelextremely guilty for my actions that night and now I am having a very hard time letting go and moving forward because I feel responsible for everything that has happened and am stuck in a cycle of blaming myself for the breakup. I feel as though my actions during the fight led to or even caused her subsequent actions and it may not have happened had I just kept my cool. I even wonder whether my actions were so bad that what she's done is an equal and just response and possibly what I deserve. I'm stuck wondering if she really never would have reached out to her ex and her and I would still be together if I hadn't reacted the way I did during that fight.
Those close to me seem to thinkthat she's the bad guy and that what she's done was inevitable regardless of anything I did but I can't seem to see it.
What do you guys think? Am I to blame for bringing this on myself? Is she just using this incident as an excuse? Or would she really not have contacted her ex if it didn't happen?

As a side note, I've never been physical or aggressive during any other fight. She however has lashed out at me physically a few times. She apologised at the time and didn't want me to leave her because of it but now she uses those instances as evidence of why she was right to leave me, claiming i made her act that way because I brought it out of her.

Also, the ex now bf again is not a guy from the past with whom she was friendly. They ended on extremely bad terms and she was with me within a week or two of breaking up with him because she claimed to have realised she didn't love him but had been harbouring deeper feelings for me from a previous encounter. A lot of our time was spent with her talking about how much she hated him and was glad to be rid of him and how much more she loved me. Now im the guy she hates and is glad to be rid of and apparently she's always just loved him more, go figure.

Quite a tale I know, but....help?
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Type: Question • Score: 2 • Views: 1,216 • Replies: 27

 
Skeleton
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Dec, 2016 10:17 pm
@LLAB,
I dunno bro, you kinda gotta just go with what she wants. I know it's too late to hear this but I don't think fighting and getting mad is the answer to anything. That aside, if you want her back, you gotta just eat your pride and apologize. Let her be right because from the look of it, she always wants to be right. You could save a lot of time and move on from her but if I wanted someone that badly I'd do what it took.
Debra Law
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Dec, 2016 10:31 pm
The title you selected for your break-up discussion is: "Is it all my fault". I'm not quite sure what you are seeking from anyone who reads your opening post. Do you want us to allocate blame? If so, you did a number of things wrong and so did she. Frankly, if everything you're saying is true, then I think you're lucky to be rid of her.

Reflection is good. There are lessons to be learned from all life experiences. Just because your significant other is acting badly, that doesn't mean you have to respond in the same manner. There are far better means to resolve conflict than to engage in dramatic fights.

Perhaps in the future you shouldn't jump into a relationship with someone who is childish, overly dramatic, self-centered, creates conflict, and readily flits from man to man. Perhaps you should be more selective. Be a gentleman and look for a lady.





LLAB
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Dec, 2016 10:57 pm
@Skeleton ,
To be honest winning her back is not really my agenda. Regarding the fight I did apologise and took pretty much all the responsibility. We talked about it at the time the way I suppose a normal couple would and it seemed for all intents and purposes that we had sorted it out, forgiven each other and were happily moving forward with the relationship. Like I said it wasn't until sometime much later that she told me she might want to end things and blamed that fight as the reason. I then subsequently found out that she was getting back with her ex and had been seeing him behind my back for a little while before we broke up. But she uses that fight to explain why she contacted him at all and how they ended up together. Basically her suggestion is that her talking to him, essentially cheating on me with him and then dumping me and getting back together with him all stems from and was even caused by that one fight. On an intellectual level that doesn't sound very reasonable. But I have been stuck getting caught up feeling like I'm to blame for driving her back to him.
LLAB
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Dec, 2016 11:10 pm
@Debra Law,
Those elements of her person are things I see now but weren't something I was able to realise until this all happened. Looking back at it all I can now see that there are some serious problems with her and a lot of her behaviours.

To clear things up im not necessarily asking for an allocation of blame regarding the fight. Things got way out of hand and we both did something pretty stupid. I've never made any bones about error of my actions that night and I'm not wondering if it was wrong to do what I did. I (imo) took full responsibility immediately, apologised and was always pretty ashamed and remorseful for how I acted. My typical reaction is always to walk away in situations like that, I don't like being embroiled in heated conflict. For some reason though my walking away always annoyed her to no end. That night I was made to feel like walking away and leaving it was the worst thing I could do, I stayed in the room basically to appease her and well I guess I've described how that turned out.

But like I said we seemed to have moved on from that fight and let it go. So I guess my bigger sense of self blame and doubt is surrounding the idea that she basically claims that fight was the reason she contacted her ex and subsequently went behind my back to see him and ultimately ended up back with him, and that she never would have done any of that if I hadn't acted the way I did during that one fight.
Wondering whether that could possibly be true and my actions really did cause all of that is a bit agonising.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Dec, 2016 11:27 pm
It sounds like you somehow got tangled up with a woman who has a number of emotional problems that have nothing to do with you.

You're well out of it.

I'd suggest being more cautious in the early stages of your next relationship so you don't end up with someone so manipulative.

I'd consider your time with her a learning experience. Lots of red flags in your opening paragraph. Next time round don't stick around if you find yourself starting out with another manipulator.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Dec, 2016 11:29 pm
@LLAB,
LLAB wrote:

A while back (August) my now ex partner and I got in a nasty fight that turned physical whilst on a snow trip with my family (being paid for by my parents).. She was complaining of a sore ankle after a day on the slopes and worked herself into such a state about it that she refused to come from our room to dinner with the rest of my family. instead had to serve her dinner in bed.


this would have been the time to realize that the relationship was going to go nowhere

I would have suggested leaving her in her room while the rest of the family had dinner, and then offering to take her something later in the evening.

and then ending things when the trip was over
LLAB
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Dec, 2016 11:38 pm
@ehBeth,
Actually that's not far off what I did. I didn't quite get to finish my own dinner but I did leave her for a bit and head back upstairs. But with the kitchen closing I knew I couldn't leave her there to starve so I organised to get her something and took it down to her. I was pretty upset with her by this time although I was trying my best not to overreact but my plan was to leave her there to eat alone, go finish my meal and check in on her after. I couldn't help myself though and I think made a snide comment and the arguing started and it was basically suggested that me leaving her there alone would be a terrible thing for me to do so I satyed...a big mistake with the benefit of hindsight especially since during the entire ordeal my instincts were screaming at me to walk out of the room.

I didn't hold her behaviour against her though. What can I say, I loved her. And funnily enough after the fight her behaviour actually improved. She seemed in a better mood and she became much more engaged with all the activity and we actually had a really good time those next couple of days, she put away the whinging (mostly) and showed a bit determination to do things and be involved and enjoy herself. And really I knew what her anxieties were about, it was an ongoing thing that we were dealing with and it was hard to not care or feel sorry for her in some ways. I wanted to be supportive. A sentiment made more painful now that Ive been totally thrown under the bus.
0 Replies
 
Skeleton
 
  1  
Reply Sat 10 Dec, 2016 11:39 pm
@LLAB,
Just forget her and stop worrying about it then. There's other girls who are nicer.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sun 11 Dec, 2016 12:00 am
@LLAB,
LLAB wrote:

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't unsympathetic about her injury and myself and the rest of my family had happily tended to her all evening.


I can't get past this ^^^

I don't see anyone"happily" tending to any of her needs in any part of this story.


I can only speak for myself, but there are 2 things you don't want to do with me...

Wake me up when I'm sleeping.

Try to get me to get up/do something I don't have to do at that moment when I'm in pain, and/or sleeping.

She didn't have to go down to dinner. She hurt her ankle, not the dialing finger. She could have called for room service if she woke up on her own, and realized she was hungry. Better yet, you could have left her a note saying you didn't want to disturb her rest, and would bring her something.

My husband? He would have come in the room, seen I was sleeping, left me alone and come back later with a burger or something from the restaurant. I would have done the same for him.....we have done just this for each other.

It's a lovely surprise when you wake up.

Pain makes a person say a lot of things they regret later. Anxiety is not a character defect. It helps if the people that care about you learn how to deal appropriately with a person when they're experiencing anxiety, not exacerbate it.

For some reason you found it so all consuming vital to get someone sleeping, in pain up to... what? Eat with your family, who also somehow took offense because she had the temerity to be hurt and resting?

That night probably would have turned me sour on the relationship too.

Move on, and in your next relationship give the person space.
LLAB
 
  1  
Reply Sun 11 Dec, 2016 12:17 am
@chai2,
Righto for starters we had happily tended to her all after noon. I made her snacks, drinks got her everything she needed so she was comfortable. My physiotherapist sister assessed her taped it up and my mother went to the grocery store to buy a supply of pain killers for her and no one held it against her at all.
Before dinner she said she'd like to have a nap and that was fine too no one had a problem with that. I only asked that she set an alarm so she could be up in enough time to have dinner. I didn't wake her up she woke up herself and called me to aske for some help getting ready so I went to assist her. However I found her in hysterics. I got her pain killers and sat with her giving her a cuddle and trying to relax her while they took effect. I then got all her clothes and what she needed to get herself ready so she didn't have to move around more than necessary. I even offered to piggy back her to dinner to save her walking. But the hysterics continued and it was not in the least adult or helpful. And by her own admission it had nothing to do with the pain in her ankle but a bunch of unfair anxieties about my family judging her. They in reality only took offence because all week attempts to make her feel more comfortable were met with increasing shortness and snappiness by her.
I felt getting her up to dinner was important considering we were putting it on as a thankyou to my parents for the paid holiday.
When she insisted she could make it to dinner I carried her back to the room and to bed and got dinner for her so she could eat it in the room.
Being injured is fine , having some anxiety is fine but surely at some point there is some responsibility to at least try and give a little back to those assisting you and try to keep anxiety in check so it doesn't become rudeness.
Not to mention, the going for naps and refusing to come and join the group for meals or activities was something she'd also done everyday prior to that night, before she got injured.
Don't get me wrong I wish I'd been calmer all around that night and I'm not saying I was totally right. But I don't think being tired and grumpy and anxious is a justifiable excuse for all behaviour too. She isn't 5.
LLAB
 
  2  
Reply Sun 11 Dec, 2016 12:23 am
@chai2,
Also just FYI regarding the injury, we aren't talking about a serious broken or even sprained ankle. She snowboarded on it all day and she snowboarded on it the day after and everyday after that. She was back up and walking around on it and out in the slopes the next morning after our fight.

You are right about anxiety. It's not a defect. I myself suffer from anxiety. And yes, those who love you should care and try to accommodate and ease your anxiety. But it's not all other people's responsibility. It's not up to others to tiptoe around you so as not upset you. You also have to be personally responsible for managing your own anxiety to a reasonable level, to ensure you're not letting it hurt those who you love.
Skeleton
 
  1  
Reply Sun 11 Dec, 2016 12:50 am
@LLAB,
You sound pretty snooty dude. I'd be snappy and irritable too if someone was making me do something I didn't want to do.

"She isn't 5." That's so egotistical. Whenever someone tells me to act my age I want to bite their head off. It's pretty insulting. She does what she wants to do, I can relate to that.
LLAB
 
  1  
Reply Sun 11 Dec, 2016 12:54 am
@Skeleton ,
I obviously didn't tell her she wasn't five. But "she does what she wants to do"...? Seriously you don't actually believe that to be reasonable life philosophy? I don't see that as a particularly mature way of viewing the world. Sometimes we have to compromise. And at the end of the day I wasn't trying to force her to scale the mountain naked. I was trying to get her to calm down a little and allow me to assist her to walk 15 m so we could have some dinner with my family and say thankyou to my parents for taking us away on the holiday.
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Sun 11 Dec, 2016 01:17 am
@LLAB,
LLAB wrote:

Also just FYI regarding the injury, we aren't talking about a serious broken or even sprained ankle. She snowboarded on it all day and she snowboarded on it the day after and everyday after that. She was back up and walking around on it and out in the slopes the next morning after our fight.

You are right about anxiety. It's not a defect. I myself suffer from anxiety. And yes, those who love you should care and try to accommodate and ease your anxiety. But it's not all other people's responsibility. It's not up to others to tiptoe around you so as not upset you. You also have to be personally responsible for managing your own anxiety to a reasonable level, to ensure you're not letting it hurt those who you love.


She wasn't asking you to do anything. She was sleeping. She didn't ask to be woken up, gotten out of bed, etc.
There was nothing that important that she had to get up.

Her pain is not your pain, or anyone elses. Sometimes you recover quickly, other times not.

As far a being "responsible", no, it's about being kind. I don't tiptoe around someone who's hurting, but I certainly don't bother them. I make myself available.

Her anxiety flared when you woke her up and got her out of bed. Before that, she was anxious, but did handle it herself by separating herself from others and taking a nap.

You two probably weren't right for each other, and she made the decision to move on, as you should.

However, that night could have gone very differently if you had let her sleep and brought her some soup or a sandwich for when she woke up.

Anyway, where was all this "gladly" helping her? Your parents took offense, I have no idea over what, you woke her up, stayed in the room because you felt guilty.

Oh, you brought her some tylonol or something, there is that.

If you also have anxiety, look at your part of rushing into the room, and going from there. She too wasn't responsible for walking on egg shells because you thought she needed to get out of bed and get herself down to the dining room.

Just understand your part in this, never mind hers, she's gone, and move on.
Skeleton
 
  2  
Reply Sun 11 Dec, 2016 01:20 am
@LLAB,
Maybe she just didn't want to and she just wanted to lay in bed. If I wanted to lay in bed I'd lay in bed.

And yeah that's my life philosophy. I do what I want to do. If course I'm in the military so I have a job to perform, but outside of work, if anyone thinks they can tell me what to do I tell them to **** them self.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sun 11 Dec, 2016 01:21 am
@LLAB,
LLAB wrote:

allow me to assist her to walk 15 m so we could have some dinner with my family and say thankyou to my parents for taking us away on the holiday.


Which she obviously had no interest in doing.

Thank you's could have been said at a later time.

What was so vital it be done at that exact moment?

Maybe she would have been a lot calmer if she was sleeping.


0 Replies
 
Skeleton
 
  1  
Reply Sun 11 Dec, 2016 01:35 am
@LLAB,
Just saying, if my gf didn't want to do something I'd totally leave her be. I'd probably have cuddled up with her or something.
0 Replies
 
LLAB
 
  1  
Reply Sun 11 Dec, 2016 02:08 am
@chai2,
i feel i explained this but i will again....she wanted a nap before dinner and then had the intention of meeting us for dinner.....i did not wake her up or force out bed she woke up herself and called me to ask for some help getting ready. i went to help. i was met with uncontrolled hysterics. i wasnt forcing her to do anything. i couldnt even get an answer as to what was wrong or what i could do to help. i did all i could to comfort and assist her walking to dinner. she wasnt saying "no i dont want to i want to stay in bed". i made the decsion to take her back to the room because she was in such a state i couldn't take her into the restaurant. but i also couldnt get an answet as to what was wrong or what could be done to help.

perhaps to show you why i might have become frustrated. this occured on the wednesday..on the monday she went for a nap and we decided to go and meet some old friends. i went to wake her but found her sound asleep and decided to leave her be to rest...kinda fitting in with yout idea Iif letting her do her and all of that...half an hout later i received a passive agressive text about leaving her there alone and she got upset witj me for that...then when i do go get her to come to something with me youre adamant im wrong for that too...cant win can i
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Sun 11 Dec, 2016 02:34 am
Well, it's a really good thing she left you then, innit?

Move on.

She has, and I am too.
 

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