Married and Unhappy

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Hi

Been married 10 years, but for the last coupe feel things are just not right. I've spoken with my wife and she also agrees she is not happy.

To make matters worse during the summer I started seeing someone from work. I've fallen for her big time, but she has herself just got married, now on returning from her honeymoon we'vee seen one another again. She says she loves me and feels nothing for her husband, but she made the vows and feels so owes it to him and herself to make a go of it.

But that leaves me, unhappy in a marriage......

Started relationship counselling, still early days but I do think the fog is beginning to clear a little. Think I need some time out, away from my marriage to get a perspective on my life and what I want.

Be grateful for any comments, views

thanks

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Hi, liethy. Welcome to Able2know.

Are there any children involved?

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Hello Squinney

No there are no children involved in either the relationships

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Um, your chippy on the side is a slut and would cheat on you as easily as she does on her groom. Does your wife know? I ask this because some people have open marriages, if you have that arrangement, I don't have any advice, but if you are cheating on your wife and she doesn't know and would care and be hurt by your actions, you have to think of how to rectify this mess.

Just my $0.02 this morning...

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I think it's amazing that the woman you were seeing from work just got married and is cheating already. If you and your wife are unhappy in your marriage, then why not divorce and go your seperate ways? I think that's what should happen before you start seeing other people.
Also, if you decide to continue this relationship with the woman you work with, what makes you think she wouldn't cheat on you as well? I feel very sorry for her husband who she says she has no feelings for. What a huge slap in the face for that poor guy. As for you and your wife, you both agree that you're unhappy, so you could end the marriage in a civil way and atleast be able to be friends. By simply cheating on her, you are showing her the worst form of disrespect.

Good luck to you both.

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Get out of one relationship (if that's what you want to do) before getting into another. This rule should be engraved on our foreheads, in backwards writing so that we all see it in the mirror every morning.

Really, unless you have an open marriage, having someone on the side is a lousy idea, and even worse because you're the other woman's other man. In such directions only lies heartache.

Now, as for your wife - is there anything you want to salvage? Anything at all? Because if there is, I suggest that you at least make an effort. So many people these days seem to just shrug their shoulders when it comes to love. It's love, dammit, not getting a vanilla ice cream cone because the store was out of chocolate! It should mean something. It should be worth fighting for, worth taking time over, worth yelling over, worth thinking about.

If there's nothing to save, and you both agree and it's mutual, then grab a mediator and get a divorce. Don't stay together if there's nothing, nothing at all - all I suggest is that you make absolutely certain that this is it and it's time to throw in the towel. Then part under amicable circumstances. Life's too short to hang around in a loveless marriage.

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thanks to all who have replied thus far. Just to add acouple of points in response to questions.

My wife does not know, we do not have an open marriage.

As for the other woman, I don't believe it's really a case of her doing things lightly. She expressed her concerns about getting married to me a long time ago, but seemed trapped by family and friends pressure that surrounds weddings. Yes, I know she should not have got married (she knows that too) but she also admits to hating a side of her that is always wanting to please family and friends. She's really scared of the situation she is in, has no one to turn to and I include me in that equation as obvviously I have a vested interest.

thanks for all your posts, nice to know people are taking the time.

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As long as no children are involved, I advise you and your wife to divorce ammicably. Life is way too short. Every day counts. None of your days should be spent being in an unhappy relationship.

However, you might want to consider what it is about your marriage that you are not happy with. If you don't, you might end up repeating the same mistakes.

What about the other woman makes you happy? Are you sure it's not just the "newness" or unavailability?

And, I think you would do well to define happiness for yourself. Is it a state of mind? A feeling? Something you rely on others to do for you, or do you believe it is up to each individual to be happy on their own?

Just some things to think about.

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Thanks Squinney

I am seeing a relationship counsellor and one area we are discussing is this notion of "happiness". You are right it may well be the "newness" of the situation.

But there are other things, such as intellectual and emotional compatability as well as sense of humour which makes me feels a lot more close to "the other woman". I've known this "other woman" for 3 years and the feelings have grown over time. If truth be told I've really liked her for about 18 months but never in a million years thought the feelings were reciprocated.

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The supposed pressure from family and friends to marry this guy that she doesn't love, sounds like one hell of an excuse to me. Who gets married to someone they don't love simply to please family and friends? I know in certain cultures, marriages are arranged and they have no choice, but I don't think this is the case.

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Just do me a favor leithy, you and your wife...use protection. We don't need anymore orphans running around.

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Quote:

I am seeing a relationship counsellor and one area we are discussing is this notion of "happiness".

Quote:

Started relationship counselling, still early days but I do think the fog is beginning to clear a little.

Why bother? Really? It saddens me to hear you are seeking counseling in hopes to rectify the problem or find some solution, yet are still seeing this other woman. Why waste money when you have no intentions on trying to work this out? I just feel real intentions are seen when you actually put 2 feet in, instead of the 1.

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I too am in avery unhappy marriage.The difference is that there are children involved.My best advice is to ask why your wife is unhappy.Is it because you have changed the way you treat her( Since you started seeing the homewrecker?)Then ask why you stepped out on her to begin with.Maybe you are the one with the problem.Maybe you have self esteem issues or sexual issues ?Divorce is a serious thing.once it is done IT IS DONE.Forget about the other woman. If she loved you then she would have waited for you.I wish you Good luck with telling your wife then good luck with deciding were to go from there.HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY!!!!

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I am in a simailar situation. My husband and I have been married for six years, I have been seeing someone for about 6 months. This is the same person I was deeply involved with 12 years ago. We are both married , but want to be together. My husband will not talk to me about anything personal, If I try and bring up something about us, he changes the subject. He seems to have no interest in me or our home and I work like a dog to try and keep up while he sits on the couch. I have tried everything, I feel like I am his mother. I mentioned splitting up and he said if I make him move I might as well dig a hole in the ground and put him there. I am so unhappy , but guilty also. What do I do ?
Diane

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Diane
It sounds to me like you're supporting your dead beat husband and my advice is to push that guilt aside and leave him. He is obviously not interested at all in your marriage and you deserve to be with someone who cares about the personal stuff. After all, marriage is a very personal thing. You don't need to be his mother, so pack your bags and get on with your life. I'm not saying that cheating on him is right, by any means, but your husband sounds like a freeloader that needs to be unloaded.
I've been down that road and I know the hell it is and I also know that you're wasting your guilt on him.

Best of luck to you.

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why must there always be name calling when it comes to cheating? why must the word slut come into play? I know im not married, but I have been cheated on... and from what happened I did not come out calling her a slut or the guy she cheated with a male whore. I dont know why people gotta jump to name calling even when they dont know both sides. i just dont understand. Good luck to you in your situation.

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This may be harsh but........here goes.
You can't help it if you fall in love with someone or if you are sexually attracted to someone but as humans, we have the choice to act or not to act. Being an adult means making decisions we don't want to make and doing things that are hard for us. You got married and now that it has gotten difficult, you want to bail. No, I take that backs...you've already bailed because you are cheating on your wife! The woman you vowed to love, honor and be faithful to. Come on. You are just as much to blame for this situation as your wife and the "other woman".

If you are unhappy, do something about it. You obviously don't love your wife anymore because if you did, this wouldn't be a problem. You would dump the side ass and reconcile with your wife, admitting you've made mistakes and that you are ready to re-commit to her. I think you should just divorce and both of you get on with life.

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dhendin wrote:

I am in a simailar situation. My husband and I have been married for six years, I have been seeing someone for about 6 months. This is the same person I was deeply involved with 12 years ago. We are both married , but want to be together. My husband will not talk to me about anything personal, If I try and bring up something about us, he changes the subject. He seems to have no interest in me or our home and I work like a dog to try and keep up while he sits on the couch. I have tried everything, I feel like I am his mother. I mentioned splitting up and he said if I make him move I might as well dig a hole in the ground and put him there. I am so unhappy , but guilty also. What do I do ?
Diane

Why did you marry your husband if you loved someone else?

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You guys got yourselves in this position (married and cheating), and nobody's gonna solve it for you. Only you can decide what you can live with. There will be no easy way out for you, and there will be consequences to pay either way. You're just going to have to grow up and accept the consequences.

If there are children involved, though, for God's sake make the decision that is best for them.

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Eva wrote:

You guys got yourselves in this position (married and cheating), and nobody's gonna solve it for you. Only you can decide what you can live with. There will be no easy way out for you, and there will be consequences to pay either way. You're just going to have to grow up and accept the consequences.

If there are children involved, though, for God's sake make the decision that is best for them.

I think you've spoken for several of us Eva.

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Married and Unhappy

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