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Fri 8 Oct, 2004 02:52 pm
I had this best friend I'll call her Alice. Alice and I had been friends for 13 years. Our children were best friends, her son and my daughter, like Jenni & Forest from Forest Gump. I also have a younger son who was the 3rd wheel a lot of the time. These past 13 years being her friend I would say I have been the loyal, giving, loving and patient friend. I am the not so opinionated friend - tended to hold my toungue and just listen.
She on the other hand was the more dominating friend, controlling and usually got her way most of the time and pouted or would "raz" me if I didn't go with her when she wanted me too. She was mostly good to my daughter, but favored her over my son whom she has known since he was 3 months old. However, she rarely made an effort to include my son to the point when he was about 5 or 6 he came to my crying asking why do Alice and her husband never invite me to go with them and their son we'll call Jake? This was about 6 years ago now my kids are 16 and 13 and her son is 14. The past 5 years were a lot better then previous, until I found out through another friend she was having another affair on her husband who we are also close with and although her first one they went public with, she has never really changed her behavior, just became more secretive and manipulating. She has put me in the dark and befriended another women whom she does not even speak to anymore, to help aid her in being in cahootz with her so she could spark up another affair and not get caught. She left me in the dark, but used me as her son's babysitter while she went out of town to meet her lover. This was last year. Of course since she was suppose to be my best friend and I found out about it a year later, that she kept this from me, all the while getting more chummy with this other friend, yet keeping me close so she could confide and cry on my shoulder about her and her husbands issues and how she wanted to leave her husband, until she got enought balls to do it. Now she is divorced, but in the meantime, during a vacation with her, her new boyfriend, and me and my husband and another couple, while we were drinking and having a really good time on our friend's boat for my best friend's birthday - we all took turns telling if we were to die for someone who would it be? When it got to her she said she would die for my daughter, but not my son, that she wished he died, and that he's studpid. In front of all of us....I was flabergasted. However, because I didn't want to ruin the weekend (not that she hadn't already), I kept my composer as did my husband, but looked her square in the eye and wanted to know what possessed her to say such a terrible thing? She immediately knew she screwed up and began to apologize, but then her boyfriend announced in front of all of us "wow Alice it's only been 2 days on the boat and somehow you have managed to offend half the people on it", well this did not go over good with her, now all of a sudden it was all about her and her feelings being hurt because he said that, and she ran down into the cabin and began to cry. Later, I went down to check on her, but was still pissed, but of course, it was "all about her now", even though she was still apologizing about what she said. I never did get the chance to really get upset or mad at her or express my anger. So I held onto it until we got back, a week later confronted her about this stuff she had kept a secret from me, and also how inappropriate a statement she made about my son. Apparently, since she already apologized I should have gotton over it. But I was labeled "sensitive" and asked how many times was she going to have to apologize for it? Later that week, my other friend confided in me that my supposed Best friend had been back stabbing me for the last 2 years, complained about me and things that annoyed her, told her she didn't like my son, broke the confidences of very private things that no one knows but her, to this friend. Told this other friend she thought I was a flake, that I had a drinking problem, accused me of being a flirt with her new boyfriend, and on and on.... I was absolutely horrified, hurt and felt so let down and betrayed. Then, my 40th Birthday was in August, this was in June when I learned all of this, we originally about 4 or 5 couples were going to Vegas for my 40th at my Best Friend's suggestion, then I booked our flights, she bitched that her ticket was too expensive, then she backed out of paying for her portion of the room, and the portion of the present she was going in on with my husband because she is a divorced single mom now. However, she managed to invite 2 boyfriends to go to vegas, one took too long making a decision, the other she had him actually all booked with a room and flight, but he was her 2nd choice, so guess what? Naturally at the last minute her 1st choice calls up that Monday before the Friday were to go, and says he wants to go now. Alice "bless her heart", lies to him and says it's great, ok to come, now she is scrambling to reach her 2nd choice who is booked to come, lies to him says her Dad fell very ill and she can't go now so he'll cancel and she does not have to feel bad. We go to vegas, she pays so much attention to her new boyfriend it's almost like might as well not even be my 40th birthday, has already made it all about her again. Do I make a scene or say anything? Of course not, I'm the understanding patient friend. She on the other hand would be so in my face about that - I wouldn't ever dream of doing anything like that to her. So knowing what I know - what a back stabber she is, what she said betraying me, then what she said about my son, then making a scene at my Birthday - of course her and her boyfriend got in a fight the last night we were in Vegas, and that was the night of my party, so the last half of the night I didn't even see her or get to party with her and all the last day we were there. I made up my mind to dump her when we got back, but one thing led to another until finally on October 5th, I got up the nerve to send her an email and tell her I thought we were in a dysfunctional relationship, and that us staying friends would hinder us from reaching our true potentials that my wishes were to end the friendship and to please respect my wishes and to please not call or email me. Well, it wasn't a whole day and she called me to agitatingly inquire as to what on
Earth could she have done to elicit me never speaking to her again, and throw away a 13 year friendship? I never called her back...... Did I do the wrong thing? After we got back from Vegas at the 2nd week of August, until now, I was distancing myself from her, it was obvious I was always busy or could never talk on the phone, but interestingly, she never asked if anything was wrong if she did, she didn't push the issue. So now I sit feeling very relieved and sad at the same time and of course pissed that I feel I wasted 13 years of trying to be the Best friend of the year, and look what I got? Up until now, I thought I really knew my friend, but I think I was in deep denial. Now, I'm finding out from our mutual other friends, they don't really like her either, and the friends that were my friends, all tell me that they never liked her that they just hung out with her because of me and they liked me better when I wasn't around her. So now I am really questioning my reality. Not to mention I am apologizing to my husband of 19 years whom the last 13 of it I have regretfully and shamfully made him less of a priority compared to her.
I'm thinking I did the right thing. When I noticed my friend changed the most in our relationship was right after she got her boob job about 6/7 years ago. Not to mention her money shortage issues on my Birthday, I found out she had enough money to get her restylyn injections in her lips, but complained the whole time about how much my birthday was costing her. Do you think she is a narcissistic person? And what does this all say about me? Well I took my stand, but am very weary of falling into another relationship like this again. Any advice would be great.
Roachgirl: Friendships like all relationships grow and change continuously, It is best not to regret and claim13 years wasted, but realize you learn and grow from every experience. People sometimes grow apart and change, and you were the best friend you could be. However it sounds as if its been one-sided for a while now, and the friendship was damaging you. It is hard to find quality friends who last for a lifetime. A word of advise, Do not hold your feelings inside, if you are a true friend you should always be upfront and honest. That repression may have been what really ruined your friendship, if she cant see how dysfunctional her behavior is, it is up to you to tell her. But you sound as though you had good reason to end it. Just do not let this hold you back from finding and developing new friendships. It is the greatest chance to learn and grow.
Narcissits and drama queens make poor best friends. I'm not quite sure what made you think she was your best friend and not your husband your best friend...
I agree w/Phoenix, your post was hard to read. Can you please try to organize your posts into paragraphs that are more readable? Thanks a bunch!
Btw, I think you are better off not contacting your drama queen friend for some time, and making some new friends in that space. I have a drama queen friend I have to cut off when she gets out of line, but she's so smart and funny and fun at parties that we usually make up before the holiday season.
But, as I said, she
is not my
best friend, could never hope to be my best friend, or probably
anyone's best friend. She has value as a human being, and I even
like her, but could never stand the constant drama she creates.
There are enough
unselfish people in the world that you can pick to be friends with. No need to drain yourself and your resources on people who can't or won't give back.
Drop Her....She's Bad News
Hey there. I read your post, and it was long, but in it, I could see a lot of the pain and hurt that this so called friend has put you through over the years. Friendships grow, or wither on the vine, and in this case, it's best to let this die as gracefully as it can. Personally, I think you have shown marvelous restraint, and have taken more than your fair share of abuse. Now it's time to realize that you are just as important, if not more so, than this self absorbed, manipulative, controlling shrew.
It sounds as if you are a good person, maybe not as assertive as you would like to be, but I can assure you there are people out in the world who would long for a friend like you. A friend would never say anything derogatory about a family member of yours, and as the old saying goes: "Blood is thicker than water.". Friends come and go, but your family IS your life.
It sounds as if this friend of yours is of the toxic variety, you have shown compassion through the years for her, and in all honesty, what has she really done for you, other than offend you and your family?. She will reap what she sows, and so will you.
Go find someone who needs a person like you in their life, rekindle the friendship with your husband, and those that matter most.
I started to read your post but gave up half way, not because I was not interested, but because I am not interested in reading an unending scribe.
Is no teacher mentioning paragraphs these last couple of years?
Looking back on your post, you are fairly well along in communicative abilities, sentences and such. But thousands of words in a line won't interest the most well meaning person who stops by.
I don't direct this to you alone, but to many recent posters who post in endless paragraphs. Much of literature has to do with how to engage someone else to think on your concern....
Someone has not taught you how to gauge attention with words.
Yaaak, I'm sorry, if that hurt you, or insulted you. Just that... I can't, and many others of us here at a2k can't, drag ourselves to be interested in giant paragraphs of troubles.
Can you break it down a bit into main points?
Ok, some here at a2k do try to engage with people who post in giant proliferating paragraphs, and then break it all down and parse it back to the poster. Debra Law does that admirably, she helps you think about what you were beginning to think. Usually. She is very sharp.
Better that you try to break the post down into coherent ideas yourself.
My apologies for the "long" run-on sentence....
To all of you who responded thank you. I'm aware it all just came up at once and sorry if this was irritating. I write well. It's just an indication of how much this incidence has affected me and my reality right now.
Thanks for all who gave me positive responses. This is the first time I have ever went on line for advice. I do have other friends who are so great and supportive. It's ironic, they are really communicating to me how important I am to them and always have been. It's just that I put my ex-best friend on a pedestal, so they laid low and a few of them have said that's how much they cared about me, they didn't want to give up on me all the way, so basically they took what they could get.
I've really learned so much from this whole thing. So that this friendship is not in vain I've realized that I have to make amends to those friends including my husband (whom I've already talked to and apologized to), and I guess I was a little surprised at how forgiving they are being. That's pretty cool when I think about it.
The other site I did go to was to Oprah.com - she had a show on toxic friendships and it had a very good questionnaire to check out whether you are in a toxic friendship or not. Just in case anyone was interested.
Thanks again everyone. I hope this is better to read.