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Really need some advice please

 
 
Reply Wed 23 Nov, 2016 11:25 pm
I am new to this forum and to the program, but I have chosen to take the path to working on the recovery of my marriage. Every day seems to confront me with a new obstacle-whether its within myself or with my spouse. We have been together since we were 15 years old. That is half of our lives already. There is not a memory that comes to my mind that does not somehow involve us together. I understand that I know no one here but honestly feel as though just getting all of this out will somehow bring huge relief.

Everything started 8 years ago when I myself had an affair with a co worker. My first mistake was letting someone of the opposite sex become a close friend. The friendship lasted for about 6 months until it developed into a more personal attempt. At the time I was very young and immature- and I made some very regretful decisions- I had an affair. Needless to say my husband and I divorced. After 3 months of sorting through and working things out, we decided to remarry and continue a new life together. I was very open with him (gave him access to everything and worked on building the marriage we both wanted). As soon as we were able I even quit my job.
A year after leaving my job, we had our first child. The experience was so amazing and I remember how happy we were for such an amazing blessing. 3 more years passed and then we had our second child. life could not have been more happy. we were happy.
Two years after our second child was born, my husband began a new job. It was a few months in when changes began-he started making comments about us spending too much time together or not wanting to have lunch together anymore. I immediately sensed a change in some of his actions, but he continuously denied. Right around this time, he introduced me to a female co-worker . There was a group of us girls who began hanging out and exercising together (at the time i was a personal trainer). She and I, along with a couple of other girls even went to out of town events together. There was always something about her that I questioned due to certain actions on her part- but everytime i would bring up anything to my husband he would simply tell me he thought I was over reacting or looking too much into things. Another red flag came when he all of a sudden asked me to stop hanging out with her. (she was an older woman who somewhat lived a "single" lifestyle- there were certain events i also witnessed with other men where I could see wasnt good for me to be around). I honored my husbands request. As time passed I had a gut feeling that there was something going on between the two. Over and over again, for two years , we would argue about these feelings and he would make me feel as though i had done something wrong or that i was obsessed with trying to make him hate her. the constant arguing during this time only seemed to make us drift away, but we continued to remain married.
Three weeks ago, he finally admitted to me that they had slept together 4 times before the time of him encouraging she and i to hang out. they still work together. there is still email contact (shes a receptionist) and meetings where they are both present. i was furious and so hurt that he would wait until two years later to tell me all of this-let alone let me be around her too.
My husband has taken the initiative to tell me all the details, he seems truly regretful , but there are times i feel he wants to just not talk about it anymore. In a way its almost like to that since I did something 8 years ago and he forgave me- thats what he expects too. and just start over. Is it wrong for me to think that the pain is worse because we are at a different time in our lives (6 years after remarrying, asking for gods forgiveness, having children together). he tells me the affair had nothing to do with what i was doing at the time- but that things in the past he feels did contribute to his curiousity. he tells me all that matters to him now are me and the kids. I have told him that i think the only way for us to truly move on is for him to leave his job. I feel horrible because 7 months earlier he was promoted to manager and we have been financially better than we ever have. He told me the affair has been over for 2 years but the guilt was driving him crazy. there is just still alot of hurt present and some days i feel i worry myself to death because he is still in the same environment with her only a few offices away. its almost like torture. how can he be okay with communicating with her or being around her in the same room?

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Type: Question • Score: 4 • Views: 1,331 • Replies: 4
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gorff
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 Nov, 2016 11:28 pm
@Deeplyhurt31,
Thats a sad story. He was told the friends line over and over for months until it cultivated, and you knew it was cultivating. You were emotionally checked out at that point. Then it happened. Do you really see the two of you 'drifting' back together? What would that look like? There is so much damage here from early on. I really dont see you two trusting and loving each other as a possibility anymore. Maybe some deep couples counseling, but there needs to be some serious work done here in-order for this marriage to continue.
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MikkaBarsotti
 
  1  
Reply Fri 25 Nov, 2016 12:27 am
@Deeplyhurt31,
Every word the first reply covered I'd agree with..
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MikkaBarsotti
 
  1  
Reply Fri 25 Nov, 2016 12:29 am
@Deeplyhurt31,
Once Trust is broken its not something that is unobtainable it's just so much more difficult to gain once its lost than when it was originally gained. If you both really love each other & potentially can stay dedicated on every level possible and are willing to work through it for You both and the kids by taking steps in intuitive measures to get through it then anything is possible. It takes time although time heals all wounds of the heart.
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vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Sat 26 Nov, 2016 12:21 am
@Deeplyhurt31,
I'm sad to hear about your difficulties. It's probably time to sit down with a counsellor and discuss both of your wants and needs in life, where you're going together, and where you want to go together, what you need to feel attracted to each other, and what you need to trust each other (etc).

Quote:
My husband has taken the initiative to tell me all the details, he seems truly regretful , but there are times i feel he wants to just not talk about it anymore.
Most people, once they've admitted a wrong, don't want it brought up over and over again. Did you enjoy him raising your previous infidelity again?

That said, it's also quite understandable that the person who feels the hurt may take quite some time to heal, and part of that process is overcoming distrust, and venting. This is quite normal, even if it's difficult for the other party (noting that sometimes the other party finds it too difficult)

Quote:
i was furious and so hurt that he would wait until two years later to tell me all of this-let alone let me be around her too.
You mean introduce you to each other, and encourage you to be around her? Yes, that's just nuts. It goes beyond thoughtless.

Quote:
In a way its almost like to that since I did something 8 years ago and he forgave me- thats what he expects too. and just start over.

. Is it wrong for me to think that the pain is worse because we are at a different time in our lives (6 years after remarrying, asking for gods forgiveness, having children together)
You've phrased the two events differently, perhaps to avoid the real question?

He forgave me. Is it wrong of me not to forgive him, because I think the pain is so much worse, being older and having had kids together?

I would ask...you had 8 years together before you cheated on him, having been childhood sweethearts, to expecting to grow old together... to have those illusions shattered after 8 years...How much do you think that hurt him? And is it really a competition to see who is hurt the most? You see the problem with phrasing a question from a competitive point of view?

How about: He forgave me. Is it wrong that I haven't forgiven him?

The answer by the way is 'no'. Every person is different. Every person has different emotional needs....but be honest about them, and about the past. It helps in the long run.
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