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Wed 6 Oct, 2004 07:59 am
I've been seeing this girl for nearly 2 years. The first year she gave me so much love and although I loved her, I never really showed it to her that much back. I went travelling for 3 months and she waited for me to return, we kept in contact whilst I was away. When I got back I felt restless & didn't know what I wanted to do with my life & I neglected her a bit. She was gutted as she had put her life on hold for 3 months waiting for me to finish my travelling. She finished it with me soon after which brought into focus to me how much I really love her & care for her - she means everything to me. I've since poured my heart out to her and have been showing her that I'm her perfect man & we've discussed our feelings. She says she loves me with all her heart but she's not "in love" so much anymore, enough for her to end it. We've tried unsuccessfully to get her "in love" feelings back a few times. We are best friends & she says she misses me an incredible amount.
This is the last email I sent to her 5/10/04 & her reply - Will She Come Back?
How are you?
Sorry to disturb you. I didn't sleep that well last night, was doing some
thinking.
You originally finished with me back in July, after a few false re-starts we
are now in October and nothing has changed. So your right, we both now need
to let go, step back and clear our heads. I need to feel free too and hope
this love-sick feeling in my stomach fades soon.
Its also totally unfair for me to say that you shouldn't go and "see whats
out there". You need to do what works for you - I promise I won't be
judging.
Sorry its taken me so long to face the reality of losing you. My heart has
been ruling. Its not doing me any good thinking of you 24 hours a day. We
have both had our hearts broken by each other, love is a funny thing eh!
Still can't listen to Amy Winehouse without crying. Don't think of it as
I've put you back to square one again - we havn't seen each other. Thanks
for being understanding.
And you never know, one day we may meet and both be able to give each other
100% at the same time.
Trying my very best to be strong & not listen to my heart.
HER REPLY:-
God...what an email. Im not angry with u, just hate the reality of it all. Sorry u didn't sleep last night, i was up till about half one too, so am very tired this morning. I had never thought of it like that u know...finishing in July and nothins changed. Seems like a long time to be confused doesnt it? All i can say is that having your support with reference to "seeing whats out there" is worth more to me than anything. Even if its a silent support, at least its there.
I dont want to be harsh with you and weve been through this soooo many times but u can't 100% blame me for wanting different things. I gave you so much, so soon and recieved nothing back for so long. It doesnt justify me sleeping around (because you know i wont) but it shouldn't be held against me either. I know its a bitter, large pill to swallow but it hurts the same vice-versa.
U are very much in my thoughts/heart and without a doubt see the value of a future with you. I do pray that my feelings change and i can once again open my heart up to you.
Take care
I really can't bear the thought that she wants to "See Whats out There"
HELP - What should I do?
I do not finish all your lines. But in my point of view: ASK HER ! That is what I think you should do , because it is only her can give you the right answer and no one can be 100% sure what she is think about - see whats out there. Be brave just for a simple question.
I think in the last five months she's become accustomed to living without you. You must move on, carrying what you've learned.
She's Out The Door...
I know this is hard to swallow, but the woman who gave you her heart and soul for such a long time has finally awakened, and has realized that her life is worth living, and she is doing just that.
You see, so many people take things for granted, and while I am not saying that you did this totally, it does appear to me that at one time, you did not return those feelings of warmth and love to her that she gave so willingly to you.
I just got out of a situation similar to the one you are going through, and thank God I got out in one piece before it was too late. All I can say to you is the next time you decide you want to try a friendship or relationship with someone, and would like it to eventually go somewhere, look back on this and remember how it felt to have the shoe on the other foot. All you ever have to do is be honest, and show people the respect they deserve.
With loss and pain, hopefully comes growth.
Good Luck.
You will remember this woman for the rest of your life, and think about what could have been. This has been a lesson learned, I'm sure.
Ask her:
Do you really still love me, or is it a not-hurting-me way of blowing me off? Be honest.
No offence but she does sound a bit.... distant.
Sorry Louis.
Louis...
I really do feel for you. It's a tough situation to be in. It is very refreshing to hear however that you are assuming part of the responsibility by admitting that you may not have originally given to the relationship as much as she did.
Your three months of traveling may have given her the opportunity to see this and discover her own value and worth and possibly question whether or not staying with you would mean a continuation of how things had always been...her not getting what she truly deserved in the relationship, ie: a true partnership based on reciprocal love, appreciation, respect, sharing and caring.
In reading your post, I see that it was not reciprocal and perhaps you just took her for granted, knowing how much she cared for and loved you, assuming she would always be there if for no other reason than she adored you so much. Things can never remain unequal or lopsided for too long before a balance is not only sought, but necessary. It's also interesting to me how that now, after she is gone, that your inner light bulb clicks on and you can clearly see the truly wonderful woman she is. Could part of that be simply wanting what you know you don't have?
Unfortunately, in my own experiences, you cannot "make up" for what you did not do in the past by promising to change now. I doubt all of the flowers, love letters, candies, pleas and promises will be able to win her back at this time, if ever. I see in her someone who loved you deeply and still cares for you a great deal, but also someone who has been clearly hurt and does not want to go there again.
The loss of a relationship, especially when both people still do care about each other is not unlike a death. The steps to healing are very similar and in fairness to ourselves, we should allow the full grieving of our loss to take place, lest we will never heal completely....
I don't mean to sound so fatalistic about your relationship, but the odds are not in your favor at this point. But, then again, I could be totally and completely wrong and the two of you do end up back together, finding a level of comittment that works out beautifully, you get married, have half a dozen kids, a tribe of grandkids and live blissfully together all the days of your life. Miracles can happen after all....
Welcome to A2K Louis!
Forgive my bluntness, but it's for your own good... and I mean well.
You have no chance dude. She fell in love with a confident man who didn't bother showing his emotions or sharing his feelings. This made you exciting and challenging.
Now you're behaving like a desperate, needy girlyman... and that will attract no one... least of all someone who fell in love with your former, stronger self. Only a woman (or man really) with codependence issues seeks the weak. It just isn't attractive.
Never forget the "neglect lesson" you just learned, but relocate that stronger, more confident you. Become that man again, without losing your new knowledge of what it's like to need... and you'll be a better man for it.
Btw, this is also the only hope you have of attracting this one again in the future. Meantime you'll just have to make do with the other 3 billion women on the planet. It's time to get busy.
Just my opinion, I could be wrong.
Good Luck, and Welcome to A2K!
I don't go for O'Bill's girly man-macho posturing stuff. If she loved you she'd be content with both of your personalities :wink:
You went out to find yourself and she realized it was a good idea for herself too.
Go on and find yourself, and when you have, someone will find you.
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