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Tue 5 Oct, 2004 04:03 pm
Well, I dont know if anyone remembers my previous topics, but anyhow, my ex and I are back together...after patiently waiting for him, he finally decided that he's ready to make it work. we both realize that we are busy, and have very separate lives, so its going to be a bumpy road at times, but are willing to deal w/ that. So everything sounds great right? Well, no lol...things are never that simple! The first few days he called me all the time, and acted really giddy- just like when we first started dating almost a year ago! However, after our "first date," I got less and less calls...now we usually talk during the day, and he promises to call me in the evening but NEVER does. I dont want to push things- he is very busy-he just moved into a new home w/ new roommates and is trying to get settled in, but I cant help but feel neglected and somewhat manipulated. It's as if he's changed his mind. Again, I dont want to nag him, or complain, b/c I wanted to be w/ him more than anything (I still do!) Its' just that I really need some reassurance...I'm to the point that I really dont think he wants to be w/ me anymore. Any input would be GREATLY appreciated, thanks.
Have you asked him where he thinks the relationship stands? Have you told him that you'd like more contact with him?
since he said he wanted to make our relationship work, i figured we were boyfriend/girlfriend? ive told him i miss him as far as eye-to-eye contact...im still studying at university, he's an hour away and works as an officer, so scheduling time to see each other is limited. there are so many things i wish we could be, there are so many things i wish i could say- like that i wish he'd call me more, or reassure me in his feelings, or clarify "what we are exactly", but he gets scared...i dont want to back him into the corner, so to speak. so ive been taking the casual route as much as i can.
I know this may sound cruel, but I sometimes tend to be straightforward with advice. You say there are so many things you wish you could say....well, say them. Stop acting like a child and TALK TO HIM about what you have written here. I hate to say it, but if you are not adult enough to talk to him about your relationship, then frankly you are not adult enough to be in a relationship with anyone.
You need not back him into a corner, but you do need to find out what exactly your relationship is in his mind. You say you "figured we were boyfriend/girlfriend". Well, I once figured a girl loved me, but when we talked about it I found out differently. You have every right to know where you stand, so ASK.
Again, sorry so blunt with my advice, but hey, you asked for advice here so what the heck. Just giving you my 2 cents worth. Hope you talk to him and get honest answers. Good luck.
I agree with the hatted rat. Nearly all of your posts, Amanda, have been characterized by hoping and wondering and figuring and assuming. How hurt were you by the previous break-up with this guy? How much time do you want to waste before it happens again?
If you sit and hope and be passive and do what you think he wants, you may even make it all the way to the altar or even have a kid or two and be totally financially and emotionally dependent on him with no other options before the other shoe drops and he leaves or has an affair.
There are so many people here who are in that situation -- we ask "why did you marry him/ her in the first place??" These things need to be solved at the outset.
Talk to him, Amanda, say these things, and if it scares him, move on. Find someone you can talk to about what you really think and really feel.
i understand where you guys are coming from..but at the same time we went into this 'relationship' w/ the understanding that we are both really busy, and its going to be tough...maybe this is what he warned me of...maybe im just looking way into things- im not sure. and while, of course, it seems logical to just talk to him about it, sometimes you cant always do what you want to do if you're going to get your way. like us girls all know that calling and calling and calling a guy isnt the way to get the guy. unfortunately, i hate to say it, but sometimes tactics (not games) need to be used. so at this point, im wondering what the best "plan of attack" should be...i decided not to call him for a while, so we havent talked since monday! i just dont know anymore...
UPDATE
We finally talked Fri, and I told him while I understand we went into this w/ the understanding that we are both busy, sometimes its hard for me to draw the line between him being busy, and him being too busy for ME. Well, he felt horrible, and explained he got in trouble at work, etc...and was great w/ calling me back. So today we had been planning on getting together- we hadnt seen each other in 2 weeks! He called me at 11:30 AM this morning saying that he was sick as a dog last night w/ the stomach flu and didnt get any sleep and still wasnt feeling great. Of course I was disappointed but didnt show it- I told him that I hoped he felt better, blah blah...how coincidental is it that he got a stomach flu the day we're supposed to spend time together?! But I wont question him, so I guess I have to just take his word...well, he promised to call later today-its 930 and he still hasnt called...What am I supposed to think? And the thing is, I keep taking his excuses, b/c the one time I didnt believe an excuse of his, he was telling the truth (in the past...) I just dont know what to think. Am I looking too 'into things?'
If you "did it" on that first date after you got back together, you are being used as convenient booty call, or F Buddy, unawares. I remember your other thread, and you seem to put up with nearly anything. (It was a major point with you that he bought you a pair of pants from WalMart, or some such place. You need to re-evaluate your point system.) Most guys will take advantage of that, and slip you into a slot in their harem. Cops are notorious for this.
Sorry my opinion isn't desirable. I hate to see someone taken advantage of--but MORE THAN THAT, I hate for it to continue. Dust him, honey, and raise your standards. As long as you put up with anything, men will devalue you (because it seems to them you devalue yourself), and you will have this happen all the time.
I know that you know if he was really interested in you, he would be with you.
Good luck, hon. You are well worth good treatment. Demand it. (Not verbally, but by dumping those who don't live up to them. )
thanks for your advice, i do agree that things can easily turn into "booty call territory", which is why i wasnt planning on having sex w/ him today (had we gotten together). since our relationship is casual enough for him to think its acceptable to not call for 3 days, then i think its too casual to have sex. however, i think u've gotten my past posts confused (i have no clue what the pants from wal-mart is all about!) i also dont think its right to stereotype him b/c he is a cop...but thanks anyhow.
Sorry. I have been in a group of people that included several cops and their gfs. It seemed like something was in the water at the Police Dept. They privately bragged about how the job was conducive to several conquests, and keeping a revolving door of women, but you're right. I shouldn't broad brush ALL cops. I think the intense stress of what they do increases their propensity to "act out sexually" and to be involved in family violence. I guess my personal knowledge and some survey I seem to remember vaguely makes me wary of the profession.
Maybe the "WalMart girl" was a different Relationship thread. Sorry for the mistake!
Anyway, good on you for the "casual" judgement. I think you're smart enough to protect yourself from being used--and that's more than a lot of people can say.
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