I know there is never a "right" time but...

Hi jp!

Well... one thing that we did is that I saved half of my salary for a year before I got pregnant. We were in a financial position to do that, though, if barely -- we definitely had to pinch pennies.

The other thing I did was to get several consulting jobs that acted as a bridge between having two incomes and one. I was able to do those from home in the last months of pregnancy (we moved from L.A. to Chicago when I was 6 months pregnant) and for the first several months after the baby was born. This allowed us to get used to the lower income more gradually, as well as giving us a cushion during the major buying-stuff-for-baby phase. (Crib, changing table, misc. furniture, room decorations, carseat, clothes, assorted paraphernalia.)

I'm very, very happy with having been and for now continuing to be a stay-at-home mom. Really rough job, and I had to prepare a lot for it -- financially, but also planning for having adult interaction. There were the consulting jobs, I also volunteered quite a bit, and joined an online community. :-)

Do you have corners that you can cut? We had one car for a long time, then got another one for $1. :-D (It's still going, if barely.) We almost never go out to eat. We get a lot of hand-me-down clothes. There are all kinds of corners that are cuttable, depending on where you are currently financially.

As for the larger question, it is something that at some point you just have to go for it. Someone told us, "if you wait for the 'right' time, you'll never have a kid." We wanted to be more solvent, above all else, but we also just weren't sure if we were ready for the loss of freedom. It was well worth it.

(I'm going through the whole thing all over again re: kid #2, though... planned meticulously through three years after the birth of kid #1, just CANNOT decide if she'll be an only, feel like time is running out.)

Do you own your own home? If so, then you can cut costs in corners and stay home, at least one of you... or both of you working part time... That's how we did it... at least until xh#2 moved out...

Also, reevaluate the things you think you need... you would be surprised the things you can do without when you look at the big picture...

Yeah there are corners we can cut. We are pretty liberal with our spending money. We eat out when we want, go to a movie or two, more shoes/clothes/toys then we actually need.

The nice thing is we are both graphic designers by trade so working at home is something we could both do as long as we can find the jobs. That would help with a little extra income.

She is also worried that if she were to quit her job and stay home that I would have to some how make up for her hours. I don't mind working a little harder to allow her to do this but she is worried she will never see me. Did your husband have to put in a lot of extra hours? Did your relationship with him suffer?

I don't mean to pry into your personal life so if I ask something to personal please just ignore it.

Xh#2 had an architectural drafting business when we first got together + he worked as a musician + he worked as a substitute teacher... I have been a massage therapist since we were dating... so we both worked part time... I never saw him when he had music gigs, but when nothing was happening in the music scene, we had time together, we made it. At the time we were together, he was pushing me to get my nursing degree, so I was in school in the mix, + I had 2 kids from my first marriage + we had 2 babies together, so we juggled a lot but were happy, I thought... Unfortunately, the baby got a virulent cancer and life fell apart for us... I blamed myself for not recognizing that it was cancer, but I thought it was all sorts of normal conditions until I felt a tumor... After that, our money got spent differently and was gone, and she died, and our lives fell apart and when we divorced we had nothing... I'm rambling, now, I know it, and need to go to school like now but the point I am trying to make, is that no matter how much you plan, unexpected things can happen to throw a monkey wrench into your best plan and one person's life won't determine the case for anothers, and there is never a right time, and babies are always a blessing, so I vote you go for it and make the best plan you can, but be aware that life won't ever follow any plan.

That's great that you can both work from home. A big plus.

No problem with the questions... doesn't really apply in my case, though. Hubby's a scientist who doesn't get paid by the hour, though I wish he did 'cause then we'd really be rolling. :-) He worked insane hours before we got married, insane hours after we got married, insane hours before we had a kid, and insane hours after we had a kid. His salary has gone up steadily (though our monthly rent/ house payments have gone up, too) as he has moved up to, now, assistant professor, but the insanity of the hours has stayed pretty much the same.

So not much help there. I knew he'd be pretty unavailable before we decided to have a kid, and that was OK with me. (Part of what I had to plan for.) That wasn't related to money, though.

Money aside, it definitely is a huge adjustment to have a kid. We never realized how much free time we'd had until it was gone. There isn't nearly so much time to just talk to each other. Lots of adjustments. We expected that, though, and see it as pretty insignificant in the bigger picture -- we were together for 8 years before she appeared, and plan to be together for many more years after she's gone off to college, so we can certainly shift focus for a while. It's not even the full 18 years, really, she's already so much more independent. (She'll be 4 in November). Last night we all hung out in the family room doing our own thing -- she painted, hubby read the paper, I was on here. It was really nice.

Being ready and what constitutes being ready is different for all couples, but here is my experience. We were not financially "ready" in the sense that we would both have to work, however, we did not know if we would ever be in a situation where we would be financially "ready" or at least during child baring years. Luckily my parents volunteered to care from my child while we worked.

In my opinion if you feel ready and really want to have children, but do not feel "financially ready" here are a couple of options. Could you work reduced hours? Or have a flexible schedule at work? Although I do not like the idea of children at a young age in daycare, they are not raising your child. A good daycare center will work with you. For Pre-K I had my daughter in daycare a couple of days of week to ready her for kindergarten. She loved it. If you do decide to have a child or think about it while you have to work at least part time and need care, I suggest visiting some centers before even having a child. This will either give you peace of mind or make you feel even more confidence to wait until you are "financially ready."

As far as pros and cons to my situation. I have peace of mind that my children are in a loving situation while I work. I do enjoy working so I think I am a better mommy for having my own career, I am a role model for my daughters- successful business women. I do have lots of vacation time and other paid time off so I am fortunate and work for a company that allows flexible work arrangements. Cons - I am tired, tired, tired. Even with the time off I have, I still wish I had more time to spend with my children. Ideally I would like to work 3 full days a week, but cannot afford it. But given my financial situation, I still would not change what I have. No matter how tired I am whenever I first see my daughters when I get home, they scream and yell "Mommy!" and give me the biggest hugs! It makes up for any of the cons.

You got some great suggestions on cutting back - by the way the movies and dinners out will be cut out on their own once you have children. They doesn't happen so much after.

PP, I am very sorry to hear about your loss and please feel free to ramble whenever you want. After going through something like that you have earned the right to ramble. Life really is a series of unexpected twists and turns and no matter how much you prepare you are never quite ready for them.

How old were you guys when you had your first child? It seems like people are waiting longer and longer these days. If you could do it over again, would you do it the same or wait longer or do it sooner?

This is a great idea, Linkat. I also hate the idea of a young child at daycare. It isn't so much an issue of them raising my child I guess... as much as I think I would be jealous of the time that they were spending with my child while I was working.

I was 20 when I had my first and 38 when I had my last. If I had it to do again, I would probably not have had them, any of them. Knowingly putting children through pain when you could avoid it all seems reckless... Is there ever a case to be made for selfish reckless actions? Actually, now that I think of it, I probably would've strangled myself in utero if I knew all that was coming... Why not? Oh, yeah, because the good outweighs the bad, or so we tell ourselves... Which is also the reason that babies are always blessings...

I understand that jpinMilwaukee. It can be difficult even with my own mom taking care of my children. Just the other day my mom told me my daughter counted to 11. She heard that before me. However, I was the first to hear her count to 7. But you do whatever needs to be done depending on your situation. I am just blessed to see my children so happy and a double bonus is that my children as so close to their grandparents. In addition, my grandmother and my aunt are frequent visitors; usually about once a week, so they have very close extended family.

I was 35 when I had my oldest and 39 with my other daughter.

That's sad PP. You sound like you're having a bad day... care to talk?

Nope, no more worse than any other day, actually... Usually I just keep it to myself. People assume you are what they want you to be, then, kwim?

Btw, does anyone know, does the pm function work yet???

Also, I would not have changed a thing about my babies. I have been very fortunate. It was about the best time for us to have children and they were both planned. I was mentally prepared. I think if I had children younger, I may have felt more physically prepared, been able to cope a little more with less sleep, but I think I am more patient than I would have been when I was younger. Also I was barely able to care for myself much less children when I was in my 20s.

I second what JP noted, princess. Hugs.

I had mine when I was 29 and 11/12ths. Heh. (Had planned to have a baby before age 30.) That seems to have worked out about right. Enough time to finish college, get grad degree, and get some solid professional experience, but still somewhat young.

JP, what might surprise you is that you can be absolutely completely in love with your kid and still be desperate for time away from him/ her. I don't find that I'm jealous of my daughter's preschool teachers at all -- I'm just deeply grateful to them that they are doing such a good job while I get some time to myself. One thing that has helped me there though is that I have gone out of my way to establish communication, find out what I can about how the day went, what she did, etc.

I know some people who, rather than having one parent work full time and the other not at all, each worked part time and each watched the baby when they weren't working. That worked well for them.

It is interesting to see such different views. But this is good information for me.

PP,
You said that you wouldn't have kids at all, again I apologize if I am prying and please ignore me if i am, but what about the other children? I can understand not wanting to put a small child through cancer and the others through a divorce, but you must have had some good times with them as well. Do you really feel that the bad outways the good?

Linkat,
I have friends who have a parent or other relative to help them out with their children as well. It really seems like the best option to me. I know I cherished the time I got to spend with my Grandmas when I was little. I have very fond memories of both of them that I wouldn't have had if they lived somewhere else. We have entertained the idea about moving closer to family in order to have that support group around us.



One of the other things we have discussed is being selfish while we have the chance. We love to travel and there are a lot of places we have yet to see. Part of us says wait as long as you can to have kids and do what you want now. The other part says why wait? We can have kids now when we are able to cope a little more with less sleep and able to keep up a little better and then enjoy each other later in life. How has having kids affected your personal goals? Things that you have wanted to do for yourself.

Also an interesting take. Plus, it gives them a little independence as well.

Well to be honest jpinMilwaukee you make some great points. As I had children older, I did travel a lot. I have traveled throughout Europe and to many Caribbean islands. I have also had the opportunity to make lots of my career goals. So it is definitely a plus to wait if you want to accomplish those things. Having children when I was a bit older was not in part a choice. I did not get married until I was in my early 30s. I think I was having too much "fun" to settle down and also I did not meet some one I wanted to settle down with until I was a bit older. Just the way things worked for me. I deal o-k with being tired, but it does definitely wear on me sometimes. My children were part of my personal goals and have met pretty much what I have wanted to do. I still want to travel and as we have family across the country, do frequently travel with our children. Not quite the same vacations as I used to take, but all things change when you have children. You still have fun, just a different type of fun.

Really it is up to the both of you. How important is it to travel? Depending on where you want to travel, could you afford and want to take children? Would you put this travel on hold until after your children are older? How long are you willing to wait? The other thing is as you get older, it can be more difficult to have children. It can take longer to get pregnant. I was fortunate and never had any issues, but my doctor warned me after I had my first, if I wanted a second child to keep these things in mind.

We actually sold our home and bought a new one closer to my family so that we could have them watch our children. It was definitely worth it. It is also a great help when my older daughter is in school and we have difficulty getting there on time to pick her up, mom and dad can help out and get her. If you want to go out for dinner on a rare occasion you have a babysitter or if you just need to run errands with little ones just impatient while you are shopping, etc.

No, no, you misunderstand me! I said that if I had it to do all over again, I would strangle myself in utero with my own umbilicle cord! My mother was a bit ahead of her time... She was an actress who got herself blacklisted in the 50s, was at that point a divorced mother of one (my brother.) She went on to be an out-of-wedlock mother of one more (yours truly.) She was on her way to Mexico to have an abortion when she ran out of money, or had a change of heart... depending on which truth served her telling... Her father was deathly ill when I was 5 months old, so she went home to the Pacific NW to care for her mother (who we have come to believe had alzheimers.) My mother had interesting theories on child rearing and raising (rather Summerhillian.) When her "grand experiment" (me) was officially deemed a failure, she had the wherewithall to place me in an episcopalian girls' school, but since she eventually developed alzheimers, my schooling was stopped. My experiences led me to long to be a mother from my very first memories of who I was supposed to be (much to my mother's chagrin, for she was a semi-famous feminist in the Pacific NW in the 60s...) My brother went on to opt to marry "sports models" as he calls women who can't bear children. He is happy to be barren, as I am happy to have children, even suffering and dead ones. My living children are all quite happy to be alive, they tell me. I can't imagine doing things differently to alter my history because I believe babies are the hope of the future, no matter who they are. If I were to alter history, the only place to fairly alter it, would be before it began. That is what I meant. Also, that the best laid plans of any human will often go awry, so planning, while it may be of some value, offers no real guarantee of improving fortune over letting folly and serendipity lead one's course. This is jmo, based upon my life's experiences, fw they are worth.

Oh, and how have they altered my personal goals? There were the goal. I have been successful. What is hard is defining myself by what next?

Well for whatever reason your mother didn't make it to Mexico... I for one am glad that it happened. The world, both on A2k and the real one outside of A2K, would not be as blessed without you. To be honest with you I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the idea of strangling yourself in utero with your own umbilicle cord. It makes me sad to imagine of the pain that would cause such a thought to occur. I hate to give anything away but... have you ever seen the movie "The Butterfly Effect?"

As far as defining ones self... you are who you make yourself out to be. No goal, label, definition or other person has the ability to change that.