Man with terminal cancer wants to contact his Ex

Here's my story - I am a gay man in my mid 40s. I have only had one significant relationship back in my late-20s and it least for 8 years. We were really in love but toward the end we were barely having sex, mainly because I could not perform as the top. I did try to propose ways to open up the relationship but he either hesitated or rejected them outright. This is of course no excuse of my eventual cheating, and when he found out, he ended the relationship very decisively.

We then got into a really strange period which he said he wanted to keep a friendship going, and in various occasions where we were both invited to he was acting as if we were still a couple. It led me to falsely believe that we still had a chance, but when I found out it wasn't the case it led to a few tearful conversations (mainly over video chat) that he finally completely shut me off. And that was over a decade ago.

I am not trying to litigate our case again - I did him wrong and broke his heart by cheating. He has ever reason to end the relationship. Although I can't tell now whether it was more mind or his fault that led to this brief but turmoil period of "friendship". In hindsight I want to say we were both acting immature - I was definitely acting very emotional toward the end but then he might have been giving out too many mixed signals to lead me on.

I then heard from a mutual friend that he got married (not legal yet at the time but they did in California) very soon after our breakup. He actually began to date the person he married not long after he completely shut me off from his life.

As for me I felt remorse and guilty whenever I thought of him for the next 3, 4. In the meantime his blocking of me from his life was complete to the point of almost being cruel - he even sent back every Christmas cards the next 3 years unopened, including those sent by my mother whom she loved. (Actually she has never forgiven me either for our breakup)

Our mutual friends eventually all picked side and the only way of me still finding out a bit about him is through his business twitter account so there's almost no personal stuff on it. I used to stalk his twitter very regularly but not I would only do it maybe 2, 3 times a year.

For a period I was sure I was over it. I thought I probably would feel guilty for the rest of my life. But I knew I needed to move on. Then I found out I have leukaemia about 3 years ago. It is not the fast spreading type but a slow progressing one called chronic myeloid leukaemia (CML). It's not exactly "terminal" as new medication can be kept under control, but if it develops into the final blast stage the only available treatment is bone marrow transplant. And if it fails, it can be the end.

Unfortunately I am looking at it now. I have seen friends from my support group going through it - I am sure you know already but it's not a thing you would wish on your worst enemies. There's of course also a chance that one won't survive the surgery. The lucky part though is that I do have a matching donor of a brother. But ever since I knew about my latest prognosis last month I began to think of my Ex almost daily.

I am looking at beginning the preparation next month. I still look ironically healthy and robust now - but once I begin taking all the meds required to prepare me for the transplant I will lose weight and hair. And then it will take months if not over a year to recover. Knowing that I may not survive the surgery and treatment (the chance is 50/50 at best), my immediate selfish thought is to contact my Ex. My selfish mind wants a closure and forgiveness, a big warm hug from him telling me that he doesn't hate me anymore.

Of course I know he is probably in a place where he doesn't want hear from or even about me, not to mention making him feel obliged to do anything for me. Or what if he still does think about me too once in a while, maybe reminiscing the good times we did have together. And now I am calling him to just bring him back him into my own misery caused by cancer. But then what if he only finds out later that I have died from the transplant. What if at the back of his head he has always through that we might still resume contact at a time of his choosing only to find out I am dead.

At this point I feel even if he just gives me a big "**** off" it may still a closure that I need, despite a painful one.

I know if I die it won't matteranymore. But then those thoughts just keep circling in my head these last few weeks that it's keeping me awake at night. And I have never cried so much in my life...

Other than talking to a counsellor (my hospital does provide for that, I will be making an appointment soon), any words of advise for me?