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Thu 30 Sep, 2004 09:24 pm
My Fiance' and I have been through a turmoil of events lately. He returned from Overseas in April after a 15 month tour and everything seems to have gone downhill from there. He went into this "shell" where he goes on his computer and ignores everything around him, including me. This makes me upset and so I begin to yell over stupid things that he does. During one fight he informed me he thinks he has a child from the girlfriend that was before me and he didn't know about it until he was in Iraq and was afraid to tell me. This hurt me very much and although we tried to work through everything things kept getting worse. All of this magnified over the past month and I finally brought up the suggestion that he live with his mom for awhile until he sorts out his life and I sort out mine. He has been there all this week and I have been miserable without him. I read in a book that some people cope with anger through distancing and pushing people away and I am now aware that is what I was doing. By Distancing myself and him I fear I have also ruined the relationship.
I begged him today to come home so we could work on things together and so they could get better but he insists that being away from me is better. This hurts so much because I want him home with me. He says he wants to live away from our home for at least 3 months. I asked him to please come home so we could work it out and he said he'd think aboutit and give me an answer in a week. He also told me I hurt him very much with the things I said and that he will come home eventually, just needs some space. On the other hand he also still wants to date and hang out with me. This is confusing to me because I am trying to give him space. Now everytime I see him I burst into tears because I miss him so much.
I guess what I'm confused about is whether or not he does actually want to be with me, and how on earth I can give him space but still make him see what he's missing out on.
I'm not sure you can really do both, give him space AND 'make' him see what he's 'missing out on'. You have to see that this is extremely contradictary behaviour. My feeling is that you should go with letting him have his space, and I mean, really, let go for a while. It sounds like he will find his way back to you eventually, but the drama on your part isn't going to help right now. I don't mean to be harsh. You say you are 'trying' to give him space. The best thing to do right now is to stop 'trying' and actually start 'giving' him space. That would rebuild trust in his heart, and he will come back in time.
shysweetheart--
Welcome to A2K.
You say your Fiance has just returned from a 15 month tour in Iraq. Remember, Iraq is a war zone. For 15 months people were trying to kill him.
Duty in a war zone isn't easy. Recovering from duty in a war zone isn't easy. See:http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/5334479/
Right now your guy needs space and time. This is not about you and how you feel about a child he may have fathered. This is about his sanity, his view of himself as a man, soldier and civilian; about life and messy death and a great deal of nasty reality that we are shielded from in these United States.
He wants to date you and be with you--but he doesn't have the energy right now to give you 100%, 24/7 loving attention. You could understand a broken leg. Can you understand a bruised spirit and give him time and room to heal?
Are you mature enough to offer him your compassion and understanding--and to keep your needs out of the picture for now? He needs to concentrate on himself. Do you love him enough to let him do this?
Noddy24,
I Must admit your post is probably the only advice I have heard that makes sense. I know he needs space and I think that is what made me decide to ask him to leave in the first place. I guess I just don't understand how he can want space, but still want to date me at the same time. I had thought that 5 months was enough time for him to have to himself, I let him chill on his computer and just be by himself, but now looking at everything I think he needs alot more time. Thank you.
I think another valid point here that needs to be pointed out is him just finding out he's a new Dad. That's a HUGE thing, especially to someone who's been through what's he's been through. When you face death head on and come home to the realization that you've created a new life that puts things in a different perspective. My ? is how did you handle this news? If the relationship happened before you then it's not fair for you to judge him based on things that happened before he knew you. Know that you are in his life I'm sure he's torn between wanting things with you and trying to figure out his place in his childs life. I think the best you can do for him right now considering all he's been through is be there for him. When I say be there I don't mean sexually, I mean be there as a sounding board and let him know that you're NOT judging him for his past. Let him know you love him and you're going to be there for him through this. (If that's how you feel).
You also have to keep in mind that he's trying to get used to being back home which doesn't happen in a period of 5 months or even a year for some of these soldiers. They've seen things we haven't and they've lived a completely different life. Give him the space he needs for now but be there as his friend and if things are to work out between you.... in time they will!
Good Luck!
I told him I don't care if he may or may not have a child and that I love him no matter what. He assumed I would leave after finding out he might have a kid but I didn't. I'm beginning to feel like I'm tied on a string though.
Coming back from Iraq is proving to be difficult for quite a few people. There has been a fair bit of anecdotal stuff at another forum I frequent from people whose family members are having trouble re-adjusting.
This recent study is peripherally related
medline link ... click
Quote:
NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Thirty years of follow-up show that the overall death rates in Vietnam veterans are no higher than in veterans who did not serve in Vietnam, according to investigators at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta. However, those who served in the Vietnam War have been more prone to accidental and drug-related deaths.
The original Vietnam Experience Study (VES) post-service mortality investigation followed approximately 18,000 US Army veterans from their date of discharge through 1983, Dr. Drue H. Barrett and colleagues note in the current issue of Archives of Internal Medicine.
Compared with veterans who served during the same period, but not in Vietnam, the initial data showed excess all-cause mortality. However this was the case only during the first 5 years after discharge.
This increased risk "seemed to be mostly due to motor vehicle accidents...which may be related to stress issues," Barrett said in an interview with Reuters Health.
To get a better idea of how chronic conditions with a slower progression have affected the two groups, the team extended follow-up through the year 2000, by which time there were 1138 more deaths.
"We found no significant differences in disease-related mortality," Barrett noted.
During the entire follow-up period, the risk of unintentional poisoning and drug-related deaths were about twice as high in the Vietnam veterans.
For both groups, the primary causes of death were motor vehicle accidents and diseases of the circulatory system, Barrett said.
The main point of this study is that the causes of death among Vietnam veterans are "essentially the same" as the causes of death in the rest of the US population, she added.
However, the increase in motor vehicle accidents within 5 years of their return suggests that this "should be something that is addressed in the group that is coming back from Iraq."
SOURCE: Archives of Internal Medicine, September 27, 2004.
I found the following article
New Yorker link ... click very interesting. Not at all pleasant, but something to consider.
Quote:THE PRICE OF VALOR
by DAN BAUM
We train our soldiers to kill for us. Afterward, they're on their own.
Quote:
Last week, the Army released a new study, published in The New England Journal of Medicine, which found that roughly sixteen per cent of Iraq veterans suffer from P.T.S.D. or depression; of these, fewer than forty per cent have sought professional help. Al Batres, a Vietnam veteran who runs the network of storefront centers, says that nearly eight thousand veterans of the Afghanistan and Iraq wars have come to the clinics so far. Some thirty-three hundred Iraq veterans have been treated for mental-health problems at V.A. hospitals; the V.A. is girding itself for a flood of psychological cases. "We're very busy," Batres said. "The more conflicted the community that sent you, the more difficult is the readjustment period."
The study released by the Army last week did ask soldiers about specific combat experiences, and it confirmed, finally, that one of the factors responsible for P.T.S.D. cases was "killing enemy combatants." But the Army, understaffed and underequipped in Iraq to begin with, is struggling to win a war and to keep as many of its soldiers alive as possible. As for the V.A., its budget has been strained by rising medical costs and by an aging veteran population; providing the same level of therapy that, say, the New York Police Department gives a cop involved in a shooting incident would be an unimaginable burden. Veterans since the American Revolution have complained that the government doesn't do enough for them. Given what combat does to soldiers, it's hard to imagine any amount of services being "enough."
The article was quite lengthy and memorable.
But I think this couple needs some pro help...there's too much at stake
That's precisely the point of the article in the New Yorker, Panzade.
Professional help is needed. It will likely not be available through the service or the V.A., though referrals may be available through the V.A.
shysweetheart--
After 15 months of being at the beck and call of his superior officers, your Fiance needs to organize his own life. Right now his Project Of The Day is the transition from Licensed Killer to Civilian.
He wants to see you frequently because he sees you as a guide, support and an inspiration. He doesn't want to live with you because he doesn't think he can handle the responsibility of being civil and caring all day, every day.
I agree that unexpected fatherhood is another unsettling element in his life. You are being very sensible in reasoning that what happened before he met you is not a betrayal of you. Still, you'll have to come to grips with the fact that this child of another woman will be a part of his life--and hence your life--for the next eighteen years.
For the next year or so, you will be the "giver" in your relationship--right now your fiance is not capable of mutual emotional support. You'll need some coping techniques:
Be sure you get plenty of rest--fatigue causes impatience.
Keep in touch with your family and friends. You'll need to vent at frequent intervals.
Encourage him to get some counselling--which should be available and free from the government.
Keep yourself busy. Develop your own interests and activitie so that your personality doesn't become buried in his problems.
Good luck.
Hold your dominion.
Shysweetheart - listen to Noddy. That's the best advice anyone can give you.
I am listening, and I agree. It is just really hard and all I want is to be living together and happy again. I know he needs time and space and I am giving him that, it just hurts so much.
shysweetheart--
War disrupts many, many lives--inside and outside of the combat zone.
You didn't ask for the grief you've been assigned, but as you work through it you will become a better and stronger person.
Hold your dominion.
Will he ever want to be with me again? Live with me and plan our future together again??? I feel like he wants to have his cake and eat it too.
In your honest opinions, is waiting around for him the best choice?
You are a wonder, Noddy. Listen to her, shysweetheart03. She's the best we've got.
shysweetheart--
I have common sense. I don't have a crystal ball. War has changed your Fiance and Peace and Fatherhood are creating more changes. The guy who emerges from all of this alteration may well be a wonderful man--but he will not be the guy he was when you feel in love.
Waiting for him is a gamble. Cutting him loose and getting on with your life is a gamble. Life is a gamble. One or the other of you could be hit by a taxicab tomorrow and buried by next Saturday.
There are no guarantees in this world. and making major decisions without guaranteed results is both terrifying and necessary.
You have to take a good look at who you are and what you want from life and whether your biological clock will let you gamble on a possible future for a year or more.
He will never again be the young, unblooded guy you fell in love with. Are you willing to make changes to love him as he is now.
No one can blame you if you don't want to change--but you have to decide.
War is brutal. So is the aftermath of war.
Good luck. Keep us posted.
Last night we went out and had dinner and discussed everything. I asked him to be honest with me in what he wants and I in return will be patient with me. He said he wants to make sure things are better between us before he moves back, but he will move back no matter what. I think he wanted me to see that I had not been listening to his wants and needs fully and with time apart I am beginning to understand. He plans to be back in 2-3 weeks and in the meantime the dating will continue. I will keep you all updated and thank you so much for your thoughts and advice.
shysweetheart--
Being able to talk honestly to each other is a very good sign. Please keep us posted--particularly if we can help.
Hold your dominion.
I hope things are going well for shysweetheart.
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