I'm in love w/ husband but....

welcome to A2k, chakman!

the short answer: don't *bleep* where you work...
i'll leave the long answers for the R+M experts

chakman--

Welcome to A2K.

Your common sense is telling you what to do. Recreational flirting is fine. Serious flirting.....not fine.

Consider that dinner a farewell dinner. Flirt only when surrounded by handy chaperones. Flirt like a woman with a good husband and two adorable kids.

You've got good advice from your own common sense. Listen.

affair
I think that since you have been with your boyfriend since high school that you didn't have experience with anyone else. Everyone knows that marriage is hard work to keep that spark alive.

This person is new and exciting to you and sometimes our typical everyday lives get boring. It seems that you have found someone that you think you have a crush on. But, you have to think , is it worth it to mess around with this person and maybe lose my husband. Think of your children also, please. How would you feel if your husband was having dinner with someone else and having that kind of sexual banter with them instead of you.

Are you willing to set yourself up to hurt your husband and rip apart your marriage. Because this is what will happen if you go through with an affair and he finds out.

Try some date nights with your husband. Maybe some role playing games. Like you pretend to accidently run into each other and not know each other. Act like you are on a date with him !! Sounds kind of silly, but it may be fun.

chakman,

Noddy gives excellent advice.

Your clues about having 'only been' with your hubby because you were childhood sweethearts is wonderful and, well, sweet. If you are truly happy with your husband, please shun the 'call of the wild'. Its lure is likely not as desirable as you might think it is.

Yeah, you might have an evening of hot, ferocious sex--but what about the fallout? What about your commitment to your husband? Your marriage? Your children?

And, just as likely, that 48 year old guy is likely just looking for a little fantasy too, nothing like a committment.

If this helps, it isn't at all uncommon for women of our age to indulge in fantasies about being with other men even in the happiest of marriages. But that's what it is--fantasy.

You said your sex life with your husband was 'great' but perhaps something is lacking. LesVal suggested a little role-playing which never hurts and can be great fun.

Realize that your attraction to the other man isn't really about him at all. It's all about you.

Now what you do with that knowledge is up to you.

Don't blow off a good life. Redefine your focus and have a little more fun at home.

Good luck.

Please be careful - you are playing with fire.
It's normal to have those quick little fantasies, but going out to dinner with the guy and the playful sexual banter could lead somewhere you don't really want to go. Are you sharing personal information about your marriage with this man? If so, you are nearly having an affair already. Take a look at your life and decide what is most important to you and spend your time and energy there - the cost of an affair would devastate your family. So, bottom line is - Yes, you are pretty normal; but you have a choice in where this leads, if anywhere.

Thank you to all who have responded. I needed the kick in the butt!
I appreciate the input and you have helped me clear my head. It's amazing what help can come from complete strangers!
Temptation is easy and I know that I'm stronger than that.

hi chakman, sounds like you have received great advice. just to reinforce...you are normal...and this crush will pass. keep your wonderful life!

welcome. please stick around and help others!

Go with your gut instinct is what I would say. But do remember nothing's perfect in your life.......

Re: I'm in love w/ husband but....
I have been scouring these message boards looking for someone to talk to that has a similar predicament as me, and I just found that person.

I relate to everthing you've said. Except that I'm a man in my late twenties and my wife is currently pregnant with our second child. So I feel like an incredible heel.

I can't shut off my feelings for a woman I work with. We haven't had dinner, just friendly conversations, but I feel something I haven't felt since I met my wife 11 years ago in high school. And I'm scared. I want to nip this in the bud because I love my wife and my family, and I know this is how affairs get started.

No, you can't shut off your feelings, but you can decide not to act on them. And you can keep telling yourself that the feelings will pass. Because they WILL. They always do.

You're infatuated...and it can happen to anyone, even the happily married. The feelings are not wrong, but acting on them is.

Someone here once referred to those kinds of feelings as "an approximate two-year chemical madness." It's a great description.

Wait it out. That's all.

That's good advice. Just very hard to follow.

I may have misinterpreted the signals this woman was sending me. She told me I looked like Harry Connick Jr. (I'm not sure whether to be flattered or not!), and she enjoys talking to me about my son/family. I can't tell if she has feelings for me or is just longing for a family of her own and somehow identifies with me because of that (I'm one of the only coworkers with a family life). She even babysat for us once...I'm starting to think that was a mistake. There's just something about the wway she smiles at me and talks to me that I CAN'T GET OUT OF MY HEAD. I've had a stressful past year-and-a-half, my son was born five months before I finished graduate school. Then we moved out of state and I started a new position. I've been feeling emotionally twisted in knots and wonder if these feelings I have are simply misplaced emotions brought on by stress.

Am I way off base in thinking she has feelings for me? If I could convince myself that it's all in my head then maybe the healing can begin.

Yes, it IS hard to follow. The simplest advice often is. But in the long run, it's the best thing you can do.

Now, think. Would it be easier to just sit on your feelings.......or go through a divorce, lose half your assets, start over financially, and not be able to live with your son as he grows up? Plus, of course, the psychological trauma of knowing you didn't keep the most important commitment you ever made.

Comparatively speaking, sitting on your feelings for a year or so is MUCH easier. You'll be glad you did.

<sigh> Adulthood is hard.

Well, since you put it like THAT...

I was just reading up on infatuation, turns out that it is driven by a powerful biochemical that acts similar to speed. It helped me to realize that infatuation is, by design, irrational, and that sitting on those feelings is the smart thing to do. It just scares me that I can't control it.

Thank you for your advice.

Well, you're welcome!

Yes -- it is chemical. That's why those feelings eventually go away, even in the best of relationships. It HAS to! If our bodies had to sustain that level of excitement indefinitely, it would kill us.

Unfortunately, most people don't realize the difference between infatuation and real love, and so they misinterpret the "chemical madness" as "being in love." Real love is what you've been through with someone. It's a deep affection that gets stronger as time goes by, not weaker.

I understand about the scared feelings. It's quite a shock to find out how little we can control ourselves. We are, all of us, an often confusing mix of rational and irrational.

Be good to yourself, willyT. And know that it gets easier with time. One day you'll wake up and realize you haven't felt that way for awhile. And you'll sort of miss the feeling. That's natural. But you'll be glad you didn't let it mess up your life and the lives of those who love you most.

Hang in there!

(((((HUGS)))))