Can our marriage be saved?

Where's her biological father in all of this? Can she stay with him for a while? Would that be so bad? It might also show your stepdaughter that things with her "real" Dad won't necessarily automatically be peachy. After all, she'll probably still get disciplined, etc. Perhaps that's what it's about, that she blames you for anything not going her way.

I have no kids but the dynamic here seems wrong, wrong, wrong. Since when do children decide who their parents marry or remain married to? Input, sure, but your stepdaughter seems to be calling all of the shots here. So like I said, can she stay with her bio. father - or perhaps with a trusted relative or friend - for a while. It just sounds to me like it might be time to call her bluff, assuming you could do so without endangering her.

A 15-year-old should not be dictating things in this way.

It's great that she's seeing a counselor. It sounds like all of you could benefit. It may help to have someone objective tell her that she can't disrupt her entire family because of her preferences, and point out that she'd be inflicting upon her younger siblings the very thing that has damaged her so much (growing up without a father.) Maybe that is her core issue, she's jealous of what they have.

Who knows -- this is work for a professional. But there is no way that she should have as much control as she evidently does.

Why isn't your wife behind you in all this? You need to be a united front. That's the first problem here.

The second is that the child is 15...she doesn't call the shots, you do. Don't let her run the game. She's gotten just what she wanted and no one is better for it. She is being a spoiled brat in my opinion.

Unless of course, you have done something to hurt her. I am assuming from your post that you are nothing but a loving father and this child has "poor me" syndrome.

Oh and as for being there for her more....I suppose feeding, clothing and housing her wasn't enough. Has it always been this way? Have you treated her like your own and loved her like blood?

Her father is really never around. Hasn't been there for her when she need him. When she went to private school he hardly helped out on the tuition.
To reach him so he can spend the holidays with her was near impossible.
It wasn't good to her that's why my wife divorced him.
My wife raised her as a single mom but she had a full time job and going to grad school at the same time. So she feels guilty not being there for her when she was young. So sending away to live with someone else is would be unfair. She now wants to be there for her. Several friends of mine said the same thing--that this 15 year old is deciding my fate and that what fustrates me. I fell she is only thinking of herself. But what can I do. I do get mad at my wife for not stepping in but she feels she still mad.
I never hit her or curse at her (my stepdaughter).
What I do remember there were times when me and my wife would discuss finance about our stepdaughter (ex., School, clothes) we would get into an argument because we were tight with our budget and the 15 overheard our arguments over her so she took it personally. i'm not saying I was a perfect father but I would discipline her and she didn't like that. I do believe she never saw me as a father to her, hell in all the nine years i took care of her she never called me dad, just by my first name. Not that matters Sometimes I feel my wife doesn't love me as much As i love her.

I think you have an in, the fact that your stepdaughter is already seeing a counselor. I think you can ask that person for recommendations for a family counselor. The fact that the referral came from her own counselor would be a good draw for your daughter.

This really needs to be worked on, (obviously) and sounds like you and your wife don't quite have the tools to do so, yet.

Good luck!

so far the 15 has been going to a therapist for a month--the therapist feels she needs more to go. I know I have to work it out with the 15 yr old but I still get upset with my wife for telling me she doesn't know if we can work it out. She knows her 15 yr old more than I do but still- don't I count.I know my wife is mad at me to have bring it to this level--where I am out of the house, the 15 going to counseling, and doesn't know if this could work out.

Seems like the least you can do is TRY to work it out... and I think family (rather than individual) counseling is the way to go, there.

What do you think of asking your stepdaughter's therapist for a referral?

Actually we are going to wait till she's finish with her therapy session and see what she suggest as well as her evaluation on the 15yr old I hope we can work it out. The thought of not having my family back is devastating.

What if the 15yr old doesn't want to work it out or doesn't want to do family therapy--should I force it upon her? Force my wife to ask her?

Well, yeah. She's 15. There's too much at stake.

At the very least, the rest of you can go if she refuses.

There seem to be a whole lot of issues here, not just the 15-yr-old's.

It's definitely about the family dynamic. This isn't one person's individual issues - rather, what's going on goes right to the heart of how all of the members of the family interact with one another. sozobe's right; this is a job for a family therapist. Please don't "wait and see" - do it now. You're miserable now, right? You wouldn't delay going to the hospital if your appendix was about to burst; don't delay going to family therapy. Your marriage might burst in the meantime.

My grandmother always told me, never let your children come between your marriage. Your kids will grow up and leave home but you spouse will be by your side till you die.

Your step daughter will grow up and realize her mistake. you and your wife should stand firm together and raise your children the best way you can. If your step daughter has a problem with it let her leave. she will soon find out that no place is better then home.

daughter
I think that you have got to take a stand here. It sounds like that the 15 year old maybe going through the teenage years and now is hurting because her biological father wasn't around and she is taking it out in a negative fashion on those around her. Keep showing that you love her unconditionally. Just do it in a way though that she knows who is boss. You can't give up your family because of these things that she is going through. Tell your wife that they all mean way too much to give them up over something like a teenager who is having some emotional problems.

I would fight for your family.

swestover and sozobe are exactly right.

a 15 year-old should NEVER wield that much power in a family. They have no clue to life and when they feel they have the power to make such drastic changes, like making you leave home, it freaks them out even if they won't admit it.

15 is still a CHILD. A big child, but still a child. Swestover is also right in that the child will not live at home forever.

The sanctity of the marriage comes first and BEFORE children. Children grow up and realize the bond and united front you and your wife represent means so much. It's not to say that they won't try to play one against the other but if they win in that respect, they also lose.

Teens are constantly pushing and trying to feel their way around life. By allowing the stepdaughter to make you leave home is bad.

The therapist is a great idea but make sure it's a good therapist and not just one 'counting up the sessions' for $$.

I say take your butt HOME and make it VERY CLEAR that you are NOT LEAVING.

My sister went thru that hell. Her daughter from her first marriage was 15 and wanted to date a VERY bad boy--both mother and step-father refused. The biological father was in the picture infrequently and rarely paid child support, her stepfather was much MORE a father than her natural one. But when push came to shove, the girl wanted to date the boy.

Guess what?

The 'boy' of 20...told the girl of 15 to go to her school guidance counselor to tell them she'd been molested by her stepfather--so she could go live with her biological father.

The ensuing horror was inevitable. The stepfather was arrested and then released but to come live with us--the step daughter AND the other daughters went to live with the biological father who DID allow the 15 year-old to date the 20 year-old bad boy--who got her pregnant.

Finally the girls got tired of living with their biological father and wanted to come home--then the 15 year-old had to admit her stepfather didn't molest her. But by then, the damage was already done.

This girl is now 23 with a 6 year-old daughter STILL living with her mother and stepfather who pay for everything for their granddaughter.

Please listen to me. Put your foot down and make sure your WIFE is with you on this. Don't back down and DON'T show anything less than a united front to the girl. She needs to grow up and realize that the world isn't her playground and she needs to find HER place in it.

My brother-in-law went through living hell over this accusation and the stain never quite leaves--even when the accuser recants.

You married your wife--not the child and she won't be there forever. The counselling is a good thing and you need to be a part of it. Don't become a patsy to the child, she'll run you right into the ground and never realize the damage she's done--and later will innocently look at you and wonder why?

15 is STILL a child. One that sounds like she needs a good spanking too.

Good luck and let us know.

*OMG!!!* Angrywaves nailed it. That is exactly whats going on here. Let me clarify. I guess since its a sensitive issue i didn't want to give more than you need to know. But I guess I'm not the only one. the 15yrd is accusing me of
playing with her "inappropriately" and thats where my hell begins.Of course my wife was furious and threw me out but the fact is --its not true. My wife did sat down with her and ask her: if I ever touch her where boys are not suppose to touch--she said 'NO". if I ever bride her or threaten her to keep quiet-she said "NO". As a matter of fact , the 15yr old was on the phone that day with several friends before this accusation came up. All my relatives and friends are being supportive as well as some of my wife's relatives.They are all devastated because those who know me knows I was like a father to her when i took care of her for nine years.
Since I left the house my wife and I have been on the phone everyday talking. She says she loves me and misses me. That she does want to work this out but doesn't know how. She just feels confused--like a rock in a hard place. She does feel I didn't do anything to the 15 yr old in a sexual matter. But regardless the 15 yr old is telling my wife she's uncomfortable with me. The 15yr old is going to therapy to sort things out--I guess to see what real issues can there be. The thing is my wife is being supportive and being there for her daughter. Which is understandable. But she feels that if the 15yr old can't forgive me than we can't work it out. because she wants to make sure the 15yr old is happy and not uncomfortable. Again I understand the commitment she making for her daughter but what about the other two children, what about the nine years
we were together, the nine years I raised the 15 yr old. Doesn't that matter or count. What were are doing now is wait til she finishes with her therapy session and the evaluation . And take it from there.. Exactly I don't know if I should wait or talk to her about it-to see if we can work it out. I can not believe I am going thru this. I love this 15 yr old as if she was my own, I am hurt that she would think of doing this. I do get mad at times becuase I am a good person. My dad raised me to be a good father and husband. I did so much for this family and now I being punished for something I didn't do.

I am so lost . . .

Now let me give you an update. Sometime after this accusation occurred, I want to do something for this 15 yr old to show that I love her. She always wanted a website done for her --so I did--design it and all.
I actually called her to let her know that it was up and running--we actually talk about the site--she told me what pictures she wanted and didn't want.
She also emailed me some pictures to put up on her site. Now does this sound like a person who feels uncomfortable with me? or scared? It was just recently she sent another email of a pic she wanted to put up. I did tell my wife about it and she more confused becuase she feels the 15 yr old is not taking this matter serious.

I've said this before. Get to therapy. Don't wait for the course of treatment to finish for the 15-yr-old. You need to work things out now. If your wife will not go with you, go alone.