How do you forgive your Spouse?

Easier said than done, steve. Have you already done counseling?

Did this problem reach some kind of conclusion/ solution? That she will take on an extra job to make up for how much she spent, something?

It's big of you to say that the marriage can't continue unless you forgive her, but you may be trying to wrest control of something you don't have control over. It may be that SHE needs to do some things to earn your forgiveness -- if only putting in a sincere effort -- to enable your marriage to continue. Then you'd just have to wait for that to happen or not happen, which is hard... and decide how much waiting is enough.

To err is human. To forgive, divine.

Good luck with this. It's hard to forgive someone who's hurt or betrayed you. Especially if, as sozobe suggested, she isn't doing anything to earn your trust back. It takes days, years sometimes to build trust and only seconds to destroy it. It's also hard to forgive because chances are you will never forget.

Ok, enough cliches and quotes. Basically though, it is true. I think that you need to forgive her even if it is only for you. Harboring that resentment will eat away at you.
Try just saying to yourself that today you are going to forgive her 1%. The mind is powerful and perhaps it could help with the process.

Another suggestion is seeing a member of your church; perhaps a pastor, minister or priest (if you believe or go to church). They may have some suggestions as well.

Best of luck to you.

just as long as you realize she'll never forgive you regardless and that everything will have been your fault in her mind you're on your way to a healthy personal resolvement of the issue.....

Does she know that you still resent her for the past? Is she withholding sex because she knows you're still holding the other thing against her?

Good point, eoe. I asked if you've had professional counselling, but more basic than that, have you talked to each other about this? How much communication has happened?

I try not to let it show but she feels it.

Bingo. Then I resent her from withholding sex.
It's a horrible cycle.

If you were almost bankrupt, wasn't she as well?

Yes, we have had counselling. Yes, we have talked extensively. I think we understand each other and she has recently (TODAY!) agreed to seek part-time work and start to budget. She is making some efforts but she never really apologized. I wonder if she did, would that help me forgive?

I think I am a forgiving person, I'd really just like to get all this junk behind us - leave it in the past where it belongs.

The withholding sex was killing me at first but I am actually getting better at doing without.

THANKS to all of you BTW. I also really appreciate hearing the female side of things. Women are the most incredible thing in the universe and also the most frustrating.

Oh yea, been married to her for 20 years so everything is 50/50 - both assets and debts.

It can take a long time and a lot of spending to get to the end of the road. My decent income, our good real estate investments can hide alot of spending. For a time...sooner or later you have to face the music.

Perhaps she'll never actually say "I'm sorry" but actions do speak louder than words. The fact that she's willing to look for work (evidently she's never had to before) is saying alot.

20 years is alot to throw away just because she won't say I'm sorry.

It's always the mans fault if you're bankrupt...but "our" money if he's rich.....rule number one.....

That's great that she recognizes the need to step up and do something about it.

I think an apology is reasonable. An apology plus acting in a way to counteract damage done would be even better.

Do you have contingency plans in place? Like if her job seeking activity seems lackluster to you... then what? If she refuses to apologize... then what? If she gets a job, makes a lot of money, and spends it on herself rather than contributing to the bills... then what?

Etc.

Great that you've had counselling. Is that past tense, or continuing?

Steve,

Though forgiveness is incredibly difficult, you can do it

You can do it because your desire NOT to be held bondage to this is stronger than the pain within yourself that NOT forgiving her is causing you.

Darlin', don't forgive her because she deserves it. Forgive her because YOU DESERVE IT! It's your gift, Steve.....to yourself, so you can move on and leave it behind you. Left there, it's like a cancer that grows within you and stagnates your growth in many ways.

Yes, it's hard. I have had to forgive someone that took something of mine that was a part of me in the biggest way. Something I will never get back. During the time that I held malice for him, my life was on a one way street, headed south. No where to go but hit bottom. Except the closer I got to that bottom, the stronger I became. For I suddenly realized that in harboring unforgiveness for this monster ( and he was a monster).....he still had power over me.

Now, I am very stubborn, by nature :wink: There was NO WAY I was going to allow him to still be in my life. Although he wasn't in the physical sense....I was still allowing him to be, by not forgiving him.

I hope this makes sense to you. You seem like a very sweet and smart man. In your case, not only will forgiving her be your gift to yourself.....it will be a gift to your marriage.

~Brooke

Hmmm, hadn't thought about that.


Past tense. I would go again but right now I am burned out on counselling. We went to a Christian-based counselor who's basic premise is to not discuss anything about the wife. It was all about me. If I became the proper husband, she would follow in my footsteps. While the basic premise might be sound, I found it impossible to continue since we ignored what I thought was the root of the problem. He would not allow me to discuss my wife's behavior at all.

I think a marriage is 50/50 and should be approached that way.

Thanks Brooke! Very Encouraging! You seem to understand forgiveness very well.

I guess I selfishly want to forgive just to let it go inside myself. Life seems too short to harbor all that ugly stuff.

Brooke, I totally agree with your advice... IF steveH's current wife becomes his ex-wife. If she is still in his life on an every day basis, then the 50-50 thing comes in. (I agree, steve.)

Sounds like the counselor sucked, steve. Finding an accredited professsional -- not part of the church -- might help, if what you're planning on doing your best to salvage this marriage, which it sounds like you are. (And kudos to you for that.)

I know the part about her looking for a job is brand-new -- that's great, and probably just calls for positive reinforcement at this point. But sounds like there's been a lot of inertia, just kind of going along and letting resentments fester, and sounds like you really need to deal with that and talk frankly about the future. She needs to ___, ___, and ____. (For example, *really* look for a job, and contrubute 90% of what she makes to repaying outstanding debts or household bills.) In exhange, you will ___, ___, and ___. (For example, not nag her, and I dunno do more housework.) If those conditions are not met, then ____.

Good luck!