If someone keep ditch class, should you tell them you worry?

Well, he's an adult. If he wants to mess up his life or waste his tuition money, he can. That's part of what being an adult means - you face the consequences of your actions.

I knew a fellow in college (he was in Med. School, I was in college) who rarely went to class although he did go to lab as that interested him (and he would have failed if he didn't). He was a straight-A student and one of the smartest people I have ever known.

There are people who just get by. Some do well, some don't, but you can't force them into something they don't want to do. This guy is not being straight with you when he says he's oversleeping. He obviously isn't when it really counts, so that's just a little white lie he's told you. Let it go. I know you're concerned, but he's a grown-up and if this is his decision - even though it's a lousy one - he's got to face up to what happens as a result of his making this choice.

I have a friend who got one of the highest grades in a large university biochem class. She read the book, didn't go to class, did attend lab. We're still friends, years later, and she is still one of the brightest people I have known. She had a lot of troubles going on in her home life back in college, and ended up not graduating in science. She did enroll in another university a year later and got a degree in psychology.

You can't nudge and nag people to be the way you want them. Or, you can try, but it isn't very effective. You've already expressed your caring concern. Past that, his behavior isn't really your business.

I agree with Jespah and Ossobuco. Your friend had enough sense to be admitted to college and he's survived for three years there. His system works for him.

Are you really concerned for him? Or are you bothered because he is flouting the rules and getting away with flouting the rules? This may sound like heresy, but some people can break some rules with impunity.

Not all important learning in college takes place in the classroom. Rubbing shoulders with a variety of people is very educational--and very important.

You say his behavior makes you feel "useless". Why is his behavior such a large part of your life? Changing his behavior is not in your power--learning to live with his behavior is. You can't change him, but you can change yourself.

Good luck.

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I don't agree with what you guys say about people ditch 99% of the class and get straight A's. Those are rare cases, look at the statistic of people that ditch that actually get A's???
Also, with the world this day, all the competition, yeah, he pull by college alright, with a 2.0?? That won't get him a decent job, well at least not in this competitive world.
I know some friends whom got Master degree and still trying to find a job here, an undergraduate like him passing with like C's in classes not likely to get him a good job him, in fact not even good enough to go to graduate school.
Actually he never say he oversleep, he say when he ditch class, he just stay home, watch TV and sleep. I think that sound logical, cuze I know this girl in class, she Lazy, so she does ditch class so she can sleep in.
Ditching class is wrong, no matter what the reason is, it call IRRESPONSIBLE. If he know he doesn't have time, then don't enroll in the class then. It just pissed me off, not that because I don't see him in school, it because he irresponsible and that bother me.
I don't think I can just stand there and let him do what ever, when I know what he did is wrong.

You don't agree with me? I know this person I spoke of, and have for decades.

However, the more interesting thing is how invested you are in fixing this person you have decided to improve. You seem to have adopted him as a project for yourself, and see yourself as guilty for not improving him. You may be lonely and need projects, but fixing other people's lives has a level of arrogance to it, that you know so much better how to be moral and right. Sort of like a missionary. With, I am guessing, the added bit that if you improve him, he will be happy and love you.

If he wants your advice on how he should live, he will ask you. I know this sounds severe, but you seem quite obsessed with fixing this fellow, who is not, in turn, very forthcoming to you. It is a fantasy life, built on a flawed construct of I-fix-you, you-will-be-interested-in-me. That doesn't lead to happy relationships.

OK, you putting words in my mouth, seriously but you judge people too soon. First off all, I don't even think you know me or him in class, what proof you have I am trying to improve his life? Or obssession? If am so obssess, I already get over my guts and go up and ask the guy out.
Second of all, I don't agree with you, cuze it just base on only you know that smart girls of yours in your perspective, there no statistic or proof saying people ditch 99% of the class with get A's and smart like her. On the other hand, I have proof and it clearly show that MOST people ditch class are failing, even the professor in school say it themself. Not only me, and obviously I know alot of people whom ditch class and get like 2.0 and barely make it through college, including him.
And no, I am not trying to make him love me, BUT I ADMIT that I like him and I CARE. I cannot stand and see people I care or my friend ditching class without say a word. Vice versa too, my friends see me do something wrong, they tell it to my face, ofcourse listen or not it up to that person.
I don't think am lonely, I have friends to hang around with and I don't have time to adopt him as my projects, I guess put it that way then if your wife or friends do something wrong then you just be like "what ever, it your life" and just ignore the problem and let she do what ever?
I just cannot do that, and ofcourse, if he find that I worry about him is out of hand, he will say it to my face and I am willing to except that.

One presumes from your comments, td8181, that you are both college students nearing graduation. Is that right? I rather hope not.

You may do better to pay more attention to your own education than your friend. Rarely, do we see such poor use of grammar used by people even at freshman high school levels. Even if you somehow manage to swindle the college into awarding you a degree, your chances of success in the larger world won't amount to much if you can't write clear, proper English.

As to your friend, if he is getting good grades and a well-rounded education, why is it necessary to attend all classes. Education comes from the focused study of a subject, and that can sometimes be better accomplished sitting under an apple tree instead of in a classroom. Don't get me wrong, I think for most students steady attendance is best. It just isn't necessary for all. I've never known of a college student who failed a course solely for missing class. They fail because they don't do acceptable work, or score badly on tests.

OK, he is not an 4.0 student, he got C's from class. His GPA is like 2.0
No way he gonna get a decent job in a world that is competitive like this.
I know my English is not good cuze am not a Native English speakers. Ofcourse I know I won't get a good job with my English like this, but there certain place you can work that use less English, not necessary mean working in the U.S.
And yeah I am a college student with ofcourse higher GPA then him, and I don't think I should be call stupid here, you cannot expect someone who come to America for couple years and know all perfect English, how about ask yourself if you immagrant to another country that are new to you, see if you can write perfect in their language.
I guess I don't make this clear enough, if he get 4.0, am not worry about him, but he not. He doesn't do HW, don't show up to class, constant dropping and retake the class like in the upcoming quarter.
That is not what a 4.0 student do in college. And no way a person can get 4.0 without attending to class, do lab or listen to lectures. Reading a book is not the same as see a lively person actually lecture the session for you. Show me some proof that most people ditch like 99% of the class gonna get straight A's??
Well not in the college I go to. Yeah, worry about someone is call obssess, ok then, I rather be obssess then see someone I know not doing well in school.

It seems to me that the real problem here is that you are talking to a bunch of anonymous people about this, and not to him. I'm only going to address the title of your thread and say if you are this concerned about your friend, then yes, talk to him about it. Nobody can predict what response you will get, and it may not be the one you want. However, until you do face him with your thoughts on how he approaches his academics, you will continue to worry.

I guess the question is : Why does it matter to you what happens to him?

Joe

I am sorry if you got the impression that I think it's a wonderful thing to skip class, and that only geniuses do that. Of course that's not the case. I've known many people who skipped class and - no big shock there - they did terribly in school.

But the bottom line is and was, that I'm not their mother. If they want to ditch school, then they ditch school. If this guy doesn't realize that he's messing around with his future, and jeopardizing future earnings, then he's too dumb for college. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh - the point I'm trying to get across is, he knows this is a bad idea, but he's doing it anyway. But he is a grown-up. If he wants to do something - even something mind-bogglingly stupid, you have to let him. Why? Because he's responsible for his actions, even his stupid actions.

Adults do dumb things all the time. Being over 18 is no guarantee that you won't get a bad tattoo, break up with the love of your life or, yes, skip school when you know your grades would be a lot better if you attended. The thing about being over 18, though, is that you suffer the consequences of doing bad things. Just like you accept the accolades and other good things that come from doing the right thing, you also suffer when you do bad things. That's one thing about being an adult - you take it.

Since there has been no mentioning of this, I am assuming that he is not involved with drugs or excessive alcohol use. If he is, then perhaps an intervention is in order. But if he's just doing dumb things that are screwing up his future, if you want to tell him, go for it, but I'll bet he's already been told the same thing, by his parents, or by a guidance counselor, or by a professor at your school. And he's ignoring that advice. Maybe he'll listen to you, maybe he won't, but don't beat yourself up if he doesn't.

I understood from some past post of yours, td8181, that this fellow was passing his tests; I think I remember you saying he did well in them, but I am not going to try to find that post. That post was probably in your last thread about how you want to draw out this man that was quiet in one of your classes to talk with you more.

You have written quite a lot about this person on this forum. Perhaps obsession is too strong a word. Let me amend that to say you have expressed extreme interest in a person that does not seem to a reader of your writing to be very concerned with your interest.

None of us writing here said that everybody who skips classes does well. Some of us did mention that it is possible to gain an education without always going to class; two of us gave examples.

As to advice that you should tell the student what you think about his behavior of skipping class - I understood from somewhere in your past posts that you already did that.
You are not his mother or savior. If he expresses interest in your opinions on his behavior, then that is different. Then perhaps he might even listen. But if he doesn't, you are really pouring it on to keep trying to improve his behavior.

Your friend has some big lessons to learn. And I'm afraid you have a big lesson to learn here yourself, td8181.

You cannot "save" people from themselves. You can talk to them, but you cannot make decisions for them or bail them out when they make bad ones.

Your friend is making some bad decisions. He is not listening to you. There is nothing you can do to make him listen if he does not want to. It's his life, and it's his right to screw it up. You have to respect that.

Sorry.

We've all watched friends screw up. It hurts to watch, I know. But if they won't listen, there's really nothing more you can do. I know that's hard to accept. Being an adult is tough. It's going to be tough for him to pay the consequences for his bad decisions, and it's going to be tough for you to watch him pay. But you don't have to stick around and watch.

If this person is a friend and you do care about him, just tell him out right. Say it in a nice way. You are my friend, I care about you and am concerned that you are going to fail out of college. I am concerned by not attending classes regularly you will fail and since I care about you I would want to see you succeed. Make it clear you are doing this as a friend and are only talking with him because you care and also respect his decision, even if it is not in his best interest. I don't think it will hurt, but you do have to remember it is ultimately his decision.

I had a different situation with a friend of mine also when I was in college. She was having an affair with a married man. As I felt that the only outcome would be bad for her, I did say something to her. She was a very good friend and basically I said, "You probably will not listen to me, but I need to get this off my chest. I will only say this once to you understanding you are an adult and can make decisions for yourself." I then went on and explained how I cared about her and this situation would at best hurt her and the man's wife. There would be no positive outcome. She pretty much said I know, but continued and the result was as predicted.

So in my case and what I have seen, it will probably make you feel a little better to voice your opinion, especially if you do so in a caring way. Unfortunately, it is unlikely that the behavior will change. In my opinion, it is worth a shot.

td, is this the same person whose photo you are carrying around, in case you ever run into him?

Try to remember that it is none of your business what he does.
He is an adult, not your child.