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Mon 27 Sep, 2004 10:22 am
Hi All,
I am new here and guess looking for some support and advice. I am 36 and back in May/June i ended a 1 year relationship. In a nutshell, we loved each other but the relationship was too stressful for me. The problems my partner had outweighed the love I felt. I was drowning in trying to fix things, and found myself always bailing her out of financial situations or emotional struggles. The love was there but I felt the "roles" we took on were not balanced.
I felt myself shutting down emotionally and just going through the motions until i had the strength to actually end it before i "lost it". We lived together also. This wasnt easy to do but i also didnt think i would be in so much pain right now. Well after the breakup she was still living with me until she could "get on her feet" and find her own place. She immediately started talking to a new woman while still living here. I tolerated it and at times was even happy about it.
But, while she was still here, her heart was broken and i dealt with a rollercoaster of emotion, consoling her and going through my own guilt and horrible feelings about what i had done.
Well, come to find out, pretty much the day she moved out, she was out on a date with this new person. The crying had stopped and she appeared to have moved on. NOW, i find myself not dealing very well with this. I am very confused about why i am feeling so angry toward her and the fact that she is dating this new woman. I am finding that I cannot even be friends with her right now and have a civil conversation. Why i am reacting this way after I was the one who ended the relationship??
Has anyone gone through something similar or maybe can help me understand my emotions right now?
I would greatly appreciate it!
Hey amjet,
Welcome to A2K.
It sounds to me like you think she was using you.
Using you for money, using you emotionally, and using you physically. I think anger is a perfectly acceptable emotion. It sounds like you gave and gave and all she did was take and take and now that it is over she is showing her true colors.
amjet--
Welcome to A2K.
My guess is that your former lover and her neverending crises of the weeks had become an emotional habit for you. She sounds like a very time-consuming woman and now that she's gone you have a great deal of unexpected time on your hands.
Give your heart a chance to heal. Explore some new hobbies...read a book...use the last of the mild weather to take some long walks of inner and outer discovery.
Good luck. Let us know how you're doing with kicking the crisis habit.
Thank you both
I think both of you are correct to an extent, i do feel somewhat used (whether that be the case or not) it is what i feel, and yes, her issues were very time consuming. But, I also have to take a closer look at myself and ask, why did I allow myself to get so involved in other's problems, am I running from something? am I not willing to deal with something inside of me? and could this be why i am struggling right now because now I am faced with MY "stuff"
Frightening, isn't it, to be the most important person in your own life?
Taking the time for self-examination and self-exploration is a good idea--and a very ambitious project. I'm fairly sure you'll like a good bit of what you find.
Good luck.
Edit - I had put my post on the wrong thread...
Funny how yoou think you know yourself
I really thought that when we were living together that it was truly over for me, I felt numb, nothing, almost had no respect for my partner because of how much she leaned on me. This is why I said earlier that at times i was happy that she was speaking to someone new, it kind of gave me a break so to speak. And I even predicted what was going to happen, I told my partner, I give it a month and you 2 will be dating, and BINGO!, but I was still ok until she left and it all came to fruition. So I guess my question is, do I have ANY right to be angry with her? I did dump her and she is free to do what she wants? So i am feeling somewhat irrational here, I did feel we could maintain a friendship, it was totally up to her because she was the one hurting so badly, but I am finding I am the one having trouble being a friend right now, so I stepped away much to her dislike. Gosh, why do emotions have to be so darn confusing?
The thing about feelings is you feel them whether you have a right to or not. It's just how you express those feelings. So if you're thinking of expressing them by, like, torching her car... not so much.
You sound quite clear-eyed about the whole thing, looks like you've been doing the right thing and recognize your limitations. Keep at it.
Definitely not expressing them in the car torching sense, but I do find that when I am speaking to her on the phone and this girl rings into call waiting or she happens to be there hanging out or I happen to hear that they are going away for the weekend together....anger just builds and builds to where we wind up fighting and some not so nice things are said. I am aware of my anger issue right now and I have told her that I do feel I am being somewhat irrational but I feel what i feel, so maybe it is best I step away until I am past this. She has hard time dealing with that and makes me feel like i am crazy.....sigh
Step away, step away. Your perogative. Seems like a reasonable response, and seems like she may be wanting to have her cake as she nibbles away.
Step away, by all means. She is putting her comfort first, but this doesn't mean her comfort is more important than your comfort--at least to you.
The relationship is over--make the transition easy on yourself so you have some energy left for living.
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