Reply
Tue 21 Sep, 2004 04:28 pm
What happens when somebody you were really close to you just can't seem to understand anymore, it's like a stranger. I have a buddy who was really close to me (best friend) for my last two years of high school, but now second year into varsity and it's like we are two aliens from outer space just meeting for the first time.
I'm really not sure how to relate to her, do I just stop pretending to get along with her (it feels so false and so wrong) or what? Do I not see her any more? I mean I really don't know what to do here. It's become a forced effort I think on both parts, but for duties sake i feel like we still got to be buddies.
I have a friend like that. Yet, I'm three years older than him and I've gained close to three years of experience the past year, making the difference more like 5-6 years, so we are in different phases in life, it's strange.
yeah tell me about it, but it's like what do I do?
No need to worry, we can't change people, you can't be like you were with the person but all our friends aren't close friends, really. Let the relationship remain on whatever terms that seem natural, worrying makes no difference. Since you feel you've outgrown her, there must be someone else you feel you can relate better to. Maybe your old friend will catch up or maybe fall further behind, there's not much you can do about it. The way of life I suppose.
yeah i guess but i feel like i should make the effort to be closer
One of the really wonderful, and really awful, things about being human is that you continue to develop ... as long as you live.
My experience is that some people change and develop at about the same rate as each other - others are going at completely different paces - and they're not always changing/developing in the same directions.
The changes seem (in my view back) to be most dramatic between about 18 and 25.
It can be a great time of changes in yourself and in your relationships with others.
Overall, I'm happier with myself and my relationships now - but there will always, I suspect, be a few little twinges about relationships lost/left behind over the decades.
tagged lyricist, if it doesn't feel comfortable/natural anymore don't force it. It may redevelop as a friendship between the two of you, in your new formulations. But don't force it - forced friendships/relationships seem to just end up meaning pain for everyone involved.
that's pretty good advice, thanks ehBerth.
It's just I feel like a bad friend if i don't make the effort to see her and call her. I'm very loyal person.
tagged lyricist - being aware of the changes is an indication that you are indeed a good friend. The degree and nature of the friendship may be changing, but don't doubt that you're a good friend. A bad friend wouldn't even have noticed the changes.
I had a wonderful friend in university. He used to come over to my apartment and we would sit and drink tea and talk, while staring at the fish in my aquarium. We could literally spend 6, 7, 8 hours talking, and staring at fish. He was a great friend then, became a good friend, then a great friend again after graduation. Now he is an acquaintance. I know that I'll be pleased to see him anytime I run into him - and will always have kind words to say about - and to - him --- but that 6, 7, 8 hour talking friendship is gone. I miss it, but we've grown into different lives.
Does anyone still talk about kids having growing pains? I remember that from when I was a kid - oh, she's just got growing pains. Well, emotional and psychological stretching and growing can be painful too.
i know it all makes sense what you saying ehbeth, i'm just intolerant i mean i like things to be passionate no wishy washyness. I mean either i get on with you fantistically or i don't get on with you at all, and when I'm fake it's purley for professional purposes.
Some friendships are situational--and some are eternal.
Perhaps your high school friendship was based in good part on propinquity. You and your friend reacted in similar ways to the world that surrounded you and shared your reactions with each other.
Now the two of you inhabit different worlds and without a shared currency of daily events you might as well live on different planets.
Have you asked your friend how she feels about old times, new times and faltering friendship? If not, why not? You might clear the air.