Reply
Mon 20 Sep, 2004 10:35 am
Looking for some advice: I know this is long, but I desparately need some advice.
I am a 30 yr. old female. I have been married for 9 yrs. We have 2 children. 10 yr. boy, who was 6 mo. when I started dating husband and he adopted him when he was about 1 1/2 yr. And we also have a 7 yr. old girl. My children are my world I love them to pieces and do not want to hurt them. Me and my husband have been having serious problems for about 4 years. When we first meet we did have a good time together. But it just seems things have changed and I know they always do, but I am not happy in this marriage anymore. He has always drank alot, by that I mean everyday atleast 6 or more beers, up to almost a case. He has never hurt us in anyway physically. Sometimes he gets alittle hatefull. And when we were first dating he told me that he liked to be kinky sometimes and he hoped I didn't mind. Well at the time I didn't think to much of it. I was only 21 and just started being able to drink and go out & live alittle. He also tends to get addicted to porn on the internet. (Sometimes its worse than others) The first few years of our marriage were ok, we bought a house and had another little girl. But one day I just seemed to wake up and was tired of the drinking and our lives the was they were. It seemed I had to get drunk to do the things sexually he wanted us to do. We started having problems and I quit drinking and decided I wanted to be a better person. Well I wasn't satisifying him and he said then and still today says that he can't give me what I need emotionally if I do not give him what he needs sexually. This has been a obsticale we have went around many times. Not intentially, but I started having a affair with a guy I worked with. I had never did anything like this before, but I was lonely and he kind of filled the emotional end of things for me. That eventually did blow up and everyone found out. Sometimes I wish I would have used that opportunity to get out of my marriage, but I didn't, I felt sorry for my husband and stayed and tried to work things out. We have been to marriage counseling twice in the last few years. Things get better for alittle bit, then the same old routine happens. I do like sex, but I want to feel loved and atleast partially emotionally fulfilled to have sex with someone, and he can't give me that unless we are having sex atleast every two days. If he doesn't get sex every two days he gets in a bad mood, and will not hardly talk to me or even look at me. I have taken various different things to help boost my sex drive, but it don't work. I even quit my job to stay home, partially for the children, but alot to help lower stress and hopefully have a better marriage. It didn't seem to work, I care for my husband, but I don't know if I love him anymore. He is kind of like a split person. He is a very hard worker and would do anything for his family. But then there is this dark side of him who is obsessed with sex and dirty things. I by no means think sex is dirty. But there is a line you can cross in married sex. He did even try to quit drinking for a while and we started going to church. This lasted for about a year, but things didn't get much better. It seems we do not have much in common, and I feel he has a very dry personality. I just want to be happy and be with someone who loves me for me. I get tired of trying to be something I am not. I do not want to put my children through a divorce, but I also want to enjoy the rest of my life. He has also tried to make things work, but we just alway come back to these same problems
You say you are both trying, so there is still hope for you and your marriage.
What was his response to your going to church together? If he was affected by attending~the message at all, I would advise you throw yourself into the church body and have them all begin praying for him to change his "evil" ways... Ain't nothin' like having a whole church body and soul naming and claiming yours to affect behavior...
Welcome to A2K autumnleaves.
It sounds to me like your husband is going in the wrong direction. He started off with 6 beers a day and is now up 24. He likes things kinky, which probably won't stop, but will probably get even more kinky. It sounds like he uses sex as a weapon against you. By that I mean you don't get what you want unless he gets what he wants. This doesn't sound healthy to me.
I am also a bit worried about the children in the house. You said he has never hurt you and this is good...but with him drinking so much I would hate to see this change.
Correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds to me like he is really only worried about his sex life. If sex is good he is good, but if not then he makes everybody miserable. It just doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship.
You said counseling helped for awhile and might work again if you are still both willing to work on it. Perhaps you stopped going to quickly and need to be in it for a longer time...even after things start looking better.
In any case I hope everything works out for you and your family.
Has he been for alcohol addiction treatment at a professional clinic?
Its anywhere from 6 to a case a day. Its not that he drinks more now, it just varies how much he drinks. I would love for him to quit totally, but I like to have a beer now and then and can't drink at all when he quits.
How do you know when to finally call it quits. This is my first marriage. I am scared to make a mistake that affects so many people.
You are correct about his highest concern is his sex life.
I am also scared that if I would file for divorce that there is always a chance he could get custody of the children. Not that there is any reason why I wouldn't get it, but now days you just never know.
If he is an alcoholic, he will have to stop drinking. If you love him, and want to support him in that effort, you'll need to stop as well - at least initially. It doesn't seem like you're willing to give up your beer to assist him with that.
You've had an affair. If everyone, including your husband, knows about it, you may well have some concerns about custody if/when the marriage ends.
Honestly, it seems that both of you have a lot to work on - and a lot to think about.
His drinking is excessive, and I'm guessing that is his real main concern, and his strange dual sex life is secondary. The booze probably releases his previous inhibitions. He needs help from a professional.
everyone has an opinion
Everyone has different morals and values that they live by. My opinion is that if you are unhappy enough to have an affair with someone else, mistake or not, then the marriage should have ended with that. Custody is a large issue and I can understand how concerned that it has made you. You said that you have tried many things from church to counseling to quiting drinking together and nothing has improved that marriage for the long run. You are still very young and have a large portion of your life ahead of you. After trying so many things I can understand how it would feel like a hopeless situation. Love is a tricky thing, but you should weigh the pros with the cons. From what you have described the cons have outweighted the pros for many years. I think that you should take your children and move on. It sounds like he would be a bad influence on them anyway seeing how he drinks alot and probably does it in front of them without a second thought. Between his abuse of alcohol and your affair I'd say the chances of you getting custody are better than your husbands but then again I suppose it would depend on the state that you live in. As blunt as I can put it my opinion is that it is over and you need to move on. It is more of a shame to force yourself to live a life of unhappiness than it is to get a divorce.
I would return to therapy, not a marriage counselor, but a clinical psychologist, especially one who practices "redecision therapy." They get changes fast. To preserve your relationship both of you must go, separately. If he won't go, go by yourself; the marriage will break up, but your life will get better. If you both go your marriage will probably not only survive but become a blessing.
His drinking may be a compensation for a lack of fulfillment in his work. This is extremely common in our society, almost the status quo. He won't just quit drinking or become a moderate drinker without making serious changes in his lifestyle.
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace