WHY BATHERS DON’T SUIT ME
I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing costume. When I was a child in the 50’s, the bathing costume for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure – boned, trussed and reinforced. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a darn good job.
Now, with little choice, a mature woman can either front up to a maternity department and try on a floral costume with a skirt and come away looking like a hippopotamus that has escaped from Fantasia, or she can wander around any bathing suit department and try to make a sensible choice from a designer range of fluoro rubber bands.
I made my choice and disappeared into the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary strength of the stretch material. I think it was made by N.A.S.A. to launch small rockets in a sling shot! It comes with a bonus, that as long as you can lever your body into the suit, you can protect your vital organs from shark attack.
After fighting my way into the first suit, I gasped in horror – my breasts had disappeared. I found one cowering under my left armpit and eventually found the other, flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is, modern bathers have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like speed humps!
The next bathing costume fitted alright, but on looking in the mirror, I found that it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out – top, bottom and sides. At this time, the sales girl poked her head through, “Oh they are you”’ she gasped – admiring the bathers. “What else have you got?” I retorted. Well, I donned a black costume with a black midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair which had high cut legs nearly up to my waist. Finally I found a bathing costume that fitted. It was a two piece affair with a short-style bottom and a halter top. It was cheap, comfortable and bulge friendly. I bought it.
When I wore it to the beach, I felt I was getting many admiring glances and was feeling pretty sexy. Later, while changing, I read the label which said: “Material becomes transparent in water”!