Reply
Tue 30 Aug, 2016 01:17 am
Before I get started, i'd like to say in my defense, that this isn't some creepy stalker's post (which i would understand if one would think so lol.) But rather a serious inquiry -- an open conversation on how "deep attractions/infatuation" work(s). I am twenty seven, and have been in back to back "long term" (longest 3.5 yrs, shortest 1 yr and 2 mo.'s) relationships since I was sixteen. I've gone through an electric type of attraction, I've settled in some instances, I've fallen out and worked things out (to the best of my ability at the time), I've dealt with lies and being cheated on as well as finding someone who would dedicate their entire being to me the way I would them. I have experienced several forms of love and its evolution along the way. So while i consider myself articulate in these matters, i also stand again at twenty seven years young, and am looking to define a new obstacle in the realms of my emotional maturity. So here goes:
The person is not entirely a stranger. During a night out with friends, we happened to run into each other. I have seen this person a few times before, and was actually pleased to see that what I thought was a new face, was actually a normal patron in the usual route of the two bars I find myself juggling between on my regular nights out. When we had seen each other, we had both pretty much sobered up, as we connected almost immediately, showering each other with compliments and wondering who was going to make the first move, granted he was admirably honest in telling me that I wasn't the normal type of person he would go for, but he couldn't seem to walk away from me. There were no expectations at the time, at least on my part, granted I couldn't ignore how much I was physically attracted to him. By the time the night had finished and we had forwarded the connection to severe moments of making out, we exchanged numbers and parted ways.
We would see each other occasionally as the months went by and it became apparent that he did not fancy me the same as he did that night, but we were both generally friendly with each other in the future run ins. Being that at the time, I wasn't looking for anything too serious, I couldn't fathom any other feeling other than moving forward and enjoying the idea of friendship with him where we could actually have a conversation without the distraction of physical attractions. Well -- on his part at least. I of course was still in the red but shrugged it off in acceptance of the situation.
What caught me from left field about the whole ordeal, was that I actually grew deep feelings for him. Having my guards still up and insistent on this new "single life" I wanted to lead, I made the extra effort to go to these bars less in "fear" of his presence. The thought of him became a preoccupying thought which would eventually lead into vivid dreams of us spending intimate times together beyond the bedroom. Moments in a beach. Having dinner. Or just enjoying each other's company. This went on for months and is actually still happening now. It has officially been one year since I've met him and almost seven months now since I've seen or talked to him. Although I think of him fondly, I do not wish to pursue anything or anyone at the moment yet, as cheesy as it sounds, he constantly visits my dreams. I've been trying to remove myself from these thoughts and feelings, but he seems to be a recurring topic in my subconscious...
He of course, has an idea of my attractions for him, but nothing further than where we had left it at -- as a couple of friends who enjoy a round of beer once in a while. I found no reason to pursue him being that I again, wanted to keep myself from being caught up too soon with someone new. But as I kept true to my own intentions for this "new life," something else was in the works and I found myself thinking, dreaming, CRAVING for the presence of this now "stranger" in my life that I have not seen nor spoken to for months, yet still the thought of him sends shocks down my spine and warms my heart.
This is understandably a severe bout of infatuation, but to what end could it be, when I am actively trying to remove him from my mind against a bombardment of intimate dreams with the man that reignites these feelings over and over? I write this because I had not dreams about him in two months, but took a nap and am up from another left field dream about him in my slumber.
Thoughts?
You have a crush on someone you don't really know. And you are filling in the gaps in your knowledge with all sorts of positive fantasies.
Go up to this person and talk to them some time. See if they are wonderful or are just a fantasy. Don't be surprised if they fall short of your expectations - and then see how you feel about that.
As for your two long-term relationships at such a young age, I think those were a bit much. I am not saying you cannot care for people but there is a maturity level there and so a very long-term relationship (and you did this twice) can be a poor choice.
Hence, don't go into this expecting or desiring anything long-term at all.
Say hi. Have a conversation. Nothing deep. Ask this person out for coffee or soda or a cocktail and get to know them a bit better.
Well, you certainly have elevated this guy into something he isn't. There is a fantasy there that is getting a life of its own. It's interesting that you really don't want to investigate him further, but would rather keep him in this fantasy role. Something draws him to you.
So what is it?
I'm involved with a wonderful man. He's where I want to put my energy. STILL - there's this other guy that fascinates me. Trouble is, he's dumb as a rock, has no money, is much younger than me, and is a real Peter Pan. Every time I see him, he gets into my head for a day or two.
I have decided it's a physical thing. I like his body, especially his neck. I suppose his almost manic personality makes him a challenge, too. (Surely, I would be able to make him commit, huh?)
But - I know better than to even go there - like the song says, "Don't touch that."
You need to put this in its place - and get into reality. Find a guy who turns you on AND reciprocates. That "fantasy" will fade by itself.
Thank you all for taking the time to read through my query. Any intelligent and open answer is well received. You guys have definitely put a smile on my face in lightening the matter.
It's a peculiar situation to be in, as again, I am actively choosing to be single for the time being, coming from a series of relationships that taught me a lot about myself and how things tend to evolve from the physical, mental and emotional levels to key in a few of the factors that I understand, develop and are affected in any and all relationships. So needless to say, I stand with little to no expectations in any outcome from this personal ordeal.
I'm sure one could pick up from my message that I am a bit of a whimsical romantic. But being naturally more of a pragmatic of what's necessary in life, especially after weathering the amount relationships I had been in, I have honed myself to be much more grounded in my expectations and what it is that I choose to hold dear in such a way.
As for this specific -- preoccupying situation, we have talked extensively in our many run ins well after the "fated night." Understanding the state of my emotions from my personal trials, as well as this blinding light that I saw him in, I gauged my levels and deliberately continued to venture into the rabbit hole, accepting that I would never have him as i wanted, but still thirsty for the understanding of the reasons as to why someone (technically so irrelevant) in my life, could make me feel so electric. Even now as i think about him writing this, i feel this sensation that doesn't seem to want to leave. Of him.
I don't believe that I am deliberately holding him at a pedestal (although I am very much willing challenge this personal thought with an outsiders voice), as I am simply coasting on about my days and looking towards the things I need to do for my self. Removed of my distracting romanticisms. (again, i have not seen or talked to him for several months now, and have taken actions to block him from my thought matrix.) But the feeling has evolved into something maddening, as to who he is, or was (if we want to play on the theoretics and concepts of past lovers), and why just the image of him standing still, seems to bare down on me the way it does.
I agree it's a crush. I agree it's an infatuation. I agree that I may be even be stretching the whole thing in some aspects in this stupor. I note that it even sounds somewhat creepy on a stalker level almost. I understand that I may be filling in some gaps of the "ideal lover" being that he is very much an ideal for me, based on his looks and a lot of the conversations that we've had.
But these constant dreams about him that have me waking up and going on about my day so depleted in chronic thoughts of "why's?", BEGS for me to dive as deep as I have allowed myself to, in this rabbit hole. One day, when I am in a better place, I would like to approach him again. And maybe finally find some peace in these dreams of what the underlying message of this all is to me.
@johne sapien,
Eh, I used to dream about my 6th grade teacher.
I had no sexual interest in him whatsoever.
Dreams are wishes sometimes. Or they are anxiety. Or they are recent events whipped together in a brain frappé. Don't put too much stock in them.
@jespah,
Agreed. I get lost in my own whimsey sometimes and am often challenging my pragmatisms with spiritualisms and the like... It's an interesting feeling to have and to be in, but it has only added to my life. Thank you for your words.
@johne sapien,
The first thing is that this is only a fluctuation nothing else , it is a type of attraction not love . How do you love a unknown person , at first fix a meeting or go for a tea with him and talk to him then only you know that what is he thinking about you then only you decide what to do ?
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace