we want our fella back...

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I met my guy 10 months ago thru a mutual friend. We both immediately began an intense relationship that all of our friends were overjoyed about. We have a lot of mutual fantastic friends. He is 39, never been married and has chosen not to have kids for medical reasons (but really loves kids). I am 42, 4 kids 21, 19,17, and 4. The oldest 3 all in college. I have been married twice. We have been great together. We love the same things, we talked everyday for hours on the phone, shopping at Home Depot was our passion! Our friends thought we were nuts, but perfectly suited. I was his longest running relationship and he was the first guy I really let myself be me without an agenda. It was magic. He even told his mom that he couldnt find a thing wrong with me

Then, he started to pull back and I started to get frustrated. We started picking at each other more and more. We have broke up a couple times only to get back together after I fall apart. He has told me our problems are about us being unable to communicate well. We both hate confontation. He moreso than I. I think he just hates commitment and he knew it was starting to go that way.

Three days ago we had yet another rift. I was upset because he was again pulling away and the next day was a huge surprise bday party for him that was draining me emotionally and I needed him. He told me as soon as the party was over he wanted out. He cared for me but didnt love me and didnt know what else to say. He wanted to remain friends as all, and he isnt wrong, all his previous girlfriends are still his friends. We hang out with them all the time so I know this to be true. This may be part of his problem. He gets scared and backs off relationships and he still gets to keep them as friends because he is such a nice guy. So he hasnt really lost anything.

I love this man. My daughter is distraught over the loss. My friends and family are sad and our mutual friends are all disappointed. What do I do. I want him back. I know he loves me he just hasnt figured it out yet. He has never been in a good relationship before and I was his longest running relationship. My concern is that if I back away and have no contact he will keep walking. He is a fairly unemotional guy under pressure. What can I do to keep him remembering what was good?

How can I back off yet stay on his mind to remind him how great we were together as a couple and a family.

He did return my phone call yesterday when I asked him to let me know what we will be saying to our mutual friends and we were kind to each other. He says he is worried about me. He talked with my daughter and told her he missed her very much. Help!! I cant sleep, I cant eat.

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Tough Love and Sincere Sympathy
Dear, Shoe;

I read (and re-read) your message with great concern. You have my deepest sympathies. Having this kind of relationship, with someone that doesn't know how to "go the distance", was doomed to fail. I feel based on what you wrote that it wasn't you or anything you did wrong.

My first impression (and the one that lasts) after consideration is this: you've definitely chosen the wrong person with whom to have a committed relationship. He has proven it just won't work with him. There is NOTHING you can do to get thoughts into his head about remembering the good and getting him to let go of his fears. You have to consider that you need face this head-on and to grieve this loss. No one can help with this part if you still want to consider getting him back. There is no getting back to what you want. This "dog just won't hunt."

The fact remains that he has never been in the kind of relationship that you seek. He has no basis of experience, so he backs off to where his comfort level is. That happens to be to a place that you can no longer afford to go - as FRIENDS.

Try to not think that you can go there with him - he won't get back to being what you need, which is in a LT romance or marriage. For your own and your family's sake, you should no longer consider this is a family unit. There is your family... and then there's HIM. The sooner you get to this point, the healthier that you and your family will be.

If I were in your situation, I'd seek some short-term counseling to help work out these feelings. Make the break clean with him and begin the healing process. This I'm sure is painful to hear, but it could save you and your kids even more pain if this drags on any longer. This guy has never matured ... and you and your family are unknowingly caught up in his web.

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Hi again, Shoe!

You said, "Help!! I cant sleep, I cant eat. "

My concern about this is more immediate. You need to be functional for yourself and your family while you sort these emotions in your own head. This relationship, as you know it, is no longer a healthy one, based on your comment. You need to get a hold of yourself. Run, don't walk, to get counseling. Not eating can be destructive and ruin your health. Your family needs you to be whole and well and SOON.

Eventually, in the future, you'll want to rethink about finding a way to keep a certain level of independence when you're in a LT relationship. Relationships don't save you from life's emptiness and frustration, but rather, they complement your own growth.

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Shoe, those are some really helpful suggestions from ragman.

I worry when I see/hear things like

Quote:

I know he loves me he just hasnt figured it out yet.

None of us really knows what is in anyone else's heart or mind. You have a history of more permanent relationships - he does not. As I read through the things you did together - sounds like friends having a good time together. The party may have just made him realize that you were/are in a different place with the relationship then he was/is/will be.

I can tell you from personal experience that the surprise party concept is a dangerous thing - definitely capable of destroying all kinds of relationships.

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Re: we want our fella back...

shoepolishgirl wrote:

I met my guy 10 months ago ... He is 39, never been married ... I was his longest running relationship ... He even told his mom that he couldnt find a thing wrong with me

Then, he started to pull back and I started to get frustrated. We started picking at each other more and more. We have broke up a couple times only to get back together after I fall apart. ....

The signs were there but were not spotted - a 39-year-old who's never dated anyone for as long as a year? A person whose idea of a compliment is being unable to find anything wrong with someone, as if that's what he's expecting? A person who started to pull back and continued to pull back in the face of numerous breakup/makeup sessions, and who very likely would not have done the making up except he was rushing in to comfort you?

I'm sorry, and I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it's highly likely he's not going to come back and you are not going to be together. It's very likely nothing personal - he doesn't commit to anyone. It's unfortunate that he is that scared of love and commitment, but those are his problems, not yours.

I'm with ragman - I, too, suggest counseling, not only to handle this breakup but also to work on developing more inner resources for handling being alone. With more inner resources, numerous breakups wouldn't have happened and they wouldn't have resulted in numerous makeups, because it's more likely that you would have gotten yourself out of the relationship before waiting for him to bail. With this guy, it seems it's inevitable that he would bail. I'm sorry.

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I would also like to add this last suggestion: that in the future, once you've properly grieved and have healed from this last relationship, you should consider the next candidate much more carefully. After 2 marriages and doing child raising starting all over again, you may want to strongly consider finding a person that has had serious relationship and/or marriage and children in the "resume" somewhere.

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Such good advice..
Thank you everyone for your advice. It is so much appreciated and very helpful. Everyone I have had a chance to talk with has not been helpful in that I felt they had a vested interested in my well being so they were just telling me to dump him to save me from waiting around. You however, don't know either of us making your advice more telling. I think the best counselors in the world are your friends as a whole....put all their advice together and figure out the main theme and there you go.

I will be better soon. I know it takes time. I will take your advice and not count on a reunion. Im going to remember what's important and that is myself! When Im healthy and happy my life will follow. I deserve that and so do my kids.
Again, thank you. I let his drama be my drama. Another lesson learned!
Im going to go have a big fat hamburger now.

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In my forest we call those dirty big burgers Very Happy

Enjoy your dirty big burger, shoePG, maybe with some pickles on the side?

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what no chocolate? Mini-Dove bars all the way!

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Maybe we need a favourite consolation/recovery snack food thread?

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Decadent Sorrow solvers
With the moderator's (and of course Shoe's) permission, perhaps we can use this space:

Mini-Dove bars (mini-portions the size of half of your thumb)

1 pt of Ben and Jerry's, flavor of choice (Cherries Garcia for me)

Apricots or fresh strawberries dipped in dark chocolate

Belgian Dark Chocolate and merlot wine

Rice Krispy and marshamllow treats

S'mores

Thin mint Girl Scout cookies sandwiched with Hagen Dasz Vanilla ice cream

Theres a start

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Cape Cod Dark Russet tater chips

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Ragman, moderators and most of us don't care if a thread turns in different directions, and threads sometimes turn right back to the original question, in a loopdeloop or interweaving. We just try to be courteous to the original questioner, in this case a woman who is really going through pain here.

Which is why she needs three weeks vacation at the destination of her choice..maybe not right this minute, but when she and daughter are ready for it.

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chocolate = pain remover

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we want our fella back...

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