Attractiveness

attractiveness
I only said that I sound crazy because my husband says I do,just to clairfy that I don't think I'm wrong. I still think he shouldn't find other women attractive.

Re: Attractiveness


I think you have voluntarily put on blinders about other people and their level of attractiveness. I have, too, but only regarding people young enough to be my children... They are self-imposed blinders, unnacceptable when forced upon one by another. Jmo, fwiw. I think perhaps you have unresolved issues regarding your childhood trauma, in addition to some other self-esteem issues. Do these things make you crazy? Who is to say?

I guess I don't understand why your husband is wrong for trying to match someone up with an attractive woman. I've matched people up because I knew they would each find eachother "Attractive."

I think your partner can only do so much to comfort your insecurities. But, there comes a point I think people should hold their tongue when they feel that urge to ask those "why" questions.

Your question was really a statement.

"comfort my insecurity"

...and I think you already knew the answer, but you wanted details to feed that insecurity.

Did he just point out a stranger who he thought was hot at lunch and go up to her?

By the sound of it, it seems he actually "met" her (maybe at work or in a social gathering??) and his single male friend popped in his head, and he wanted to help a bro' out. This, imo, is VERY NORMAL behavior.

I'm sorry about your bad experiences in the past.

It will be impossible to "X" out all the blondes in his daily life. He can't live in a shelter because you are still holding on to this.

I'm not saying you must forget about it, but maybe you need to seek counseling to talk about your fears.

Many people had similar experiences in their past, but there comes a point, you have to acknowledge the past for what it was (bad), and "learn from it." ...not carry the burden of something that is gone for the rest of your life.

Re: Attractiveness


You don't find other men attractive? Lemme ask, if your husband had an identical twin and you saw him would you tell your husband that his twin was ugly?

IMO, you are reading way to much into the word "attractive". I can see a lot of women as being attractive without it being anything more than that.

Crazy? No. Insecure, yes.

If there is no "attractive" in your world scheme, then there can be no "unattractive". Everyone is the same? Exerts the same fascination? Projects the same repulsion?

Your man didn't come home and say I met a red hot blond babe and I wanted to jump her bones. He said, I met an attractive gal and I'd like to fix so-and-so up with her.

In his books, single women--no matter how attractive--are for other men.
He loves you--insecurities and all.

Try to love him back as he deserves.

I understand what you are saying.. I am male and i'm not blind, but I just don't look at other people that way... ... i always think there is something wrong with me.. but maybe there isn't... I am very attracted to my wife .. just not anyone else... I have never looked at other people and felt attracted or thought they were attractive
My wife finds other guys attractive sometimes... i don't think there's anything wrong with that... it's like asking a magnet not to be attracted to metal.. it's as to what your husband does with this attracted feeling that would be the worry...

I know you want your husband to be exclusively attracted to you now that you are married.. but I am afraid that would be quite impossible.

and as to whether you shouldn't feel hurt: you have the right to feel whatever you feel... feelings are never wrong.. but are you perhaps feeling hurt because you think that by him being attracted to other women that he's going to leave you for them, or that you don't feel that he's as attracted to you? the hurt feelings you are having are probably stemming from something a lot moreinvolved that just your husband checking some blonde chick out... I'm sure there are underlying reasons for your hurt-feelings.. possible because of the terrible abuse you have suffered in the past? I hope you can get to the bottom of them...

I hope i'm seeming too analytical or preachy.

thanks for reading.

I disagree want2BeMarried - I think you can be in love and in a committed relationship and find other people attractive even using the definition "pleases the mind." It does not mean he will desire that person or want them. It means he finds some one good looking. Being a woman, I even look at other women and find them attractive. It does not mean I want to sleep with them or have a relationship with them, it simply means I can appreciate their beauty. Nothing more or less.

I think the difference between how you and your husband are looking at things is that he is appreciating beauty. Nothing wrong with that. It is normal to appreciate beauty, that is what he is saying is "wrong" about your viewpoint. At least that is my guess. I think what you are feeling is that he should not desire any other women and you should not desire any other man, that is different from appreciating some one's beauty.

And I do not think you sound crazy, perhaps a bit insecure, probably as a result of the trauma you went through-that is completely understandable.

re
i dont mean to sound judgemental but perhaps you need counselling? I would be pretty messed up if i was abused and forced to wear a wig because my own hair was ugly. I find it odd that you are 26 and married to someone 14 years your senior...it sounds like you are very emotionally dependent on your husband. I suppose the age doesnt matter, but i'm guessing you enjoy being taken care of? How long have you been married? it's silly to have something against this woman because of her hair color. When you asked your husband why he found her attractive did he say, oh because she has blonde hair? If he did then he is a jerk i suppose since your hair is brown. but if he was only describing the woman, then you cant be mad...

RESPONSE TO DIANA78:

Sorry for the delayed response as I had surgery and have been recovering.

I do not need counseling. It wouldn't do me any good anyways,as I've
been traumatized by the bad stuff for many years already. I married someone 14 yrs older then me because I found him "attractive" when I met him when he was 35 yrs old and there was just something about him that
I liked at the time. I felt safe with him and he accepted me for who I was
and didn't try to change me. After a while,he showed me what real love was
and I never felt real love,I never felt loved and I never had love to give
until I met him. His smile usually says it all for me. Sometimes I cannot
explain the feelings that I have for him and the same with him to me he has always said. Doesn't everyone enjoy being taken care of?? Before I met my husband he hasn't been in a relationship in a long time , he enjoys being taken care of,he can go to work and when he comes home the housework and etc is already done, all guys like that!
We've been together 5 yrs and been married 2.5 yrs now. I have a problem with blondes because of what happened when I was younger yes and when you get it stuck in your head for a long time,it's hard to just get rid of it. Also one day my husband was at work and his friend had sent him a picture of a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader who just happened to be blonde and my husband responded to him saying " wowsers" and he accidently sent the response to me as well. He's so used to sending emails to me when he's working and I got it and saw his response was "wowsers" to this cheerleader... who yes was a blonde!! And it bothered me VERY VERY MUCH!! He went to take care of security thing for workand met this "blonde" who is the new security officer and he said maybe we should set her up with "a friend" and I said what makes you think she's "the friends" type and the only type "the friend" likes is "blonde" as I knew because he told us two weeks before this! And I felt upset and threatened by this because he metioned he has to see her "alot" for security and I didn't say anything and I didn't want to aruge,but my husband also said that she is nice and I said what makes you think she's nice,you met her once! And I said something else,can't remember and he said we'll "i find her attractive" and he later said he said that to hurt me because I made him mad,but he doesn't find her attractive only me,after he said that he can find other women attractive besides me. I just feel that I should be the only one he finds attractive as he is married to me and I chose him as he chose me to be his partner for life. Why does he need to find other women attractive,if we weren't married or whatever?? It just hurts and it bothers me.
The description he used was " i found her attractive" ,yes,that is what he said.

People...you have to go through all the crap that I've been through over the years as a child and as an adult to understand where I am coming from. But I am not crazy and I have no low self esteem,I've been through alot of **** and you can't just turn the damn switch off you know??
I have to live with it for the rest of my life,but at the same time I am happy with the man I married and happy that I chose him,I feel he's the only one for me,because other men that I've been with did not treat me respectively. The cheated on me,hit me and most of them just used me for sex. They didn't even try to be my friend,that is what my husband did,he became my friend and protected me and we both feel that God sent us to each other. All couples have trials and tribulations,doesn't mean we don't love each other.
5 yrs together and I've never been hurt by my husband , until recently
and it doesn't mean I hate him now or that he's a jerk ,he has never been a jerk to me, we have a wonderful and loving relationship.and like I said trials and tribulations...we all have them one point or another.

Oh and I do appreciate beauty,but I don't find other men "attractive" ,I'm not out there to do that when I'm shopping or whatever.

I give up, no one will ever understand where I'm coming from
I gotta go rest as I am still recovering from surgery

Want2BeMarried--

I hope your recovery from your surgical procedure is smooth and uneventful. Is it possible knowing that surgery was impending that this worry made you more suspicious of the blond in security than you would have been had you been feeling well and unworried?

Have you ever had counseling? Successful counseling ends up with putting your past behind you and living a life unburdened by the unfairness of other people. Have you reached that stage yet?

Good luck with your recovery.