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im 20 yrs old and this thing had me bothered, did i do the right thing?

 
 
fuffa
 
Reply Sun 14 Aug, 2016 07:52 am
there's this girl, yeah..she was my bestie, one a day i hear she got asked out and that she said yes, and right about that time i got very depressed instead of feeling happy and realized i too had feelings for her. So i waited to see if she's gonna tell me about her relationship, but she didn't, so i asked her if it was true, she said it was, and i casually said that i too had feelings for her, but its fine as another guy asked her out,

and suddenly she started crying and told me she too had huge crush on me and stuff and that now she felt bad for her bf who asked her out (i didn't know what that meant), hence we decided not to talk with each other as it hurt me and her equally,

but we couldn't hold it any longer, so we started talking ,but not normally, id say i loved her and she too did, even though she had a relationship going on, i felt bad for her as we were doing something wrong, so i told her to take the decision to choose me or him, so she said she was choosing him over me, which made me depressed, and told me that we could stay friends, for which i said no..

she is a very fragile girl, filled with anxiety ,very oscillating mindset, but very sweet girl, she had a very bad past, and she was trying her best to be normal towards other people, ... i feel bad i ever loved her, and moreover to tell her that i loved her, but if i didn't, it would have hurt me even more, im also a human being, i do love her, but its best to stay away from her, as she will tend to do something and will feel guilty that she did it and would make me hurt, for which i would put blame on her and tell her what she did was wrong, (which she doesn't like to hear from anyone)..

Iam trying my best not to think abut her and its been months, but i could not as i eventually think about her, about how she was doing, what she was doing.. i know she wouldn't think of me as there were many things going on for her, job, boyfriend, etc., Of all the girls , i fell for her and could it get any worse, she was my only best friend,,. and now that she's gone im my 15yr old self again, a boy with zero social skills, no friends..

i just wanted to know if what i did was the right thing?
 
View best answer, chosen by fuffa
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Sun 14 Aug, 2016 09:22 am
@fuffa,
Why would you confess love to someone who is unavailable to you?

Anyway, it's done. Now learn from the experience.

Crushes are a lie. Yes, really. We idolize people, we smooth over their negative qualities. Any ambiguities, we find in favor of them. And so we come crashing in, with confessions of love. And they are utterly inappropriate with people we barely know, or who are unavailable, or are starting up a relationship with if we do not have a history with them.

So, next time!

Try to avoid crushing. Of course it happens, but don't allow it to control things. Don't make decisions based on it. Don't act based on it - act based on reality.

Avoid these situations by talking to people and spending time with them. Do this because you are a friendly sociable person and not pushing to go out with them. Some of those people might turn out to be wonderful, and you might want to go out with them. Meet them. Get to know them. Spend time with them. And if they're available, get together with them. And be happy.

Reality is awesome.

Crushes are a lie.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sun 14 Aug, 2016 09:41 am
@fuffa,
Was it right for you to tell her you had feelings for her after you knew she was dating someone else? no. it wasn't very nice of you at all. that's not what a friend does. She wasn't your bestie. You would treat a bestie with more respect. If you were interested in her romantically you should have told her earlier.

Hopefully you've learned something about how to be nice to other people.

Time for you to move on , meet other people, date, treat people nicely.
fuffa
 
  1  
Reply Sun 14 Aug, 2016 10:33 am
@ehBeth,
Hey, u think I did something wrong there?, .. I know she wasn't my bestie like I was to her, I would spit every stupid thing in my life and she too, but she didn't tell me when she got asked out.. She is in no obligation to tell me, understood that! But I don't know if you understand, I told her that I too had feelings for her because obviously we all would be spending time together, and I can't see them together, ( even if Though they act like there is nothing between them) it hurt me, so I told her what's in my heart and told her let's not get together for a while, what's the use of hiding my feelings, sometimes it's good, but I wanted her to know, I couldn't talk to her properly, like before, so I had to tell it, it was killing me inside, not that I wanted her to love me too, just that I wanted to feel better, it is selfish, but who'd be there for me when I'm alone,? She's gonna go with her bf and of course she'd slowly cut me off,...
fuffa
 
  1  
Reply Sun 14 Aug, 2016 10:36 am
@ehBeth,
I wasn't romantically interested in her before she got asked out, I had a crush on her, she did too on me, I didn't know she'd get asked out that fast,.Moreover, she hurt me very bad, I can't help both the ppl here, me and her, so two shouldn't carry-on.. That was my decision
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sun 14 Aug, 2016 10:47 am
@fuffa,
fuffa wrote:

I wasn't romantically interested in her before she got asked out


this makes no sense at all

___

you didn't develop feelings because she was asked out. that's not how love works.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sun 14 Aug, 2016 10:50 am
@fuffa,
fuffa wrote:

Hey, u think I did something wrong there?,

what's the use of hiding my feelings

just that I wanted to feel better

it is selfish, but who'd be there for me when I'm alone,



You better believe I think you handled that situation wrong. If you truly loved her/cared for her, you would have thought about her feelings, not yours.

Selfish is an excellent word to describe you and how you handled things.

You've got some major growing-up to do.
chai2
 
  3  
Reply Sun 14 Aug, 2016 11:03 am
Jes and Ehbeth, if you updated the ages this guy has basically told the story of me and my husband, to whom I've been married to for about 22 years now. Right down to the initially choosing someone else (on both our sides I might add), to making a confession of love at what would appear to the outside world the worst possible time.

Why would you confess your love to someone who is unavailable? Well, in our my case, it was because I was done with thinking I had to conform to societies expectation of how this sort of thing is done.

I cannot tell you hard it was to try to keep feelings hidden on both our sides, and the reactions of some people when they found out our situation. I'm glad I didn't pay attention to people I sometimes only barely knew who informed me this would burn out quickly and I'd have regrets.

I guess I'm unsure of the definition of the term crush jes, do you mean infatuation? The OP does use the word crush at first, but then also speaks of love. Perhaps it grew from infatuation to love? I know it did with me.

I don't have advice for the OP, but I will say I don't believe someone is unavailable simply because the outside world see that person dating someone else. I'm not saying stealing a person from someone else, tempting them away. Not at all. Sometimes the person you're with is just a placeholder, whether that's good or bad.



chai2
 
  2  
Reply Sun 14 Aug, 2016 11:05 am
@ehBeth,
ehBeth wrote:

fuffa wrote:

I wasn't romantically interested in her before she got asked out


this makes no sense at all

___

you didn't develop feelings because she was asked out. that's not how love works.


The timing may have been coincidental. It's not like one can fall in love on a set schedule.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sun 14 Aug, 2016 11:06 am
@chai2,
If you were as selfish as the OP then I wouldn't have anything different to say to you.
fuffa
 
  2  
Reply Sun 14 Aug, 2016 11:20 am
@ehBeth,
Look, accepting I'm selfish is the honest thing I could do, if "hiding my feelings for someone, knowing that it might hurt them and me equally " is the solution, then what is reality?
Say for instance I did hide my feelings, and one day they both tell me they are in love with each other, which I knew all along, I can't possibly think how disgusted I would be, realising love at the wrong time maybe the worst thing of all, but not to tell someone you had feelings for and to hide your feelings is doing injustice for yourself, ..
I was done with hiding my feelings, so I spit that out, I knew she couldn't take it and she will feel sad, but it had to be done. I lost my friendship with her, but anyway it would have ended in far future, only difference is that I saved some time..
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sun 14 Aug, 2016 11:26 am
@fuffa,
fuffa wrote:
I was done with hiding my feelings, so I spit that out, I knew she couldn't take it and she will feel sad, but it had to be done. I lost my friendship with her, but anyway it would have ended in far future,


it didn't have to be done. you were thinking of yourself , not her.

a bestie would be pleased that their friend had found someone to love

being besties means wanting the best things for the other person - it's a bit like love that way

__

you don't seem to understand friendship, let alone love



fuffa
 
  2  
Reply Sun 14 Aug, 2016 11:37 am
@ehBeth,
"It's a bit like love" , yeah, a boy and girl being besties will always have confusions, .. You say I should have felt happy that she got asked out, I agree, but why didn't I? Why did I suddenly feel I was gonna loose her, ?
Don't tell me she could have stayed bestfriends with me even though she got a bf, (who has also said to me that I must not talk to her) ..
I didn't realise it was love all along, that's it.. Our friendship grew into love, she knew it before me, but she was afraid she'd get rejected if she told me she loved me, even I did have the same fear, but she got asked out by another guy to which she said yes, .. Now my fear doesn't play any role here, so I told her, .. She's also hurt and I'm also hurt..
0 Replies
 
Real Music
 
  3  
Reply Sun 14 Aug, 2016 11:51 am
@fuffa,
Yes, you should go on with your life and date other girls. Also, I wouldn't completely closed the door with the girl you now have a crush on. Things happen. Situations change. Who knows what the future may bring. You may one day end up going out with this girl. For now though, you need to go on with your life. See other people.
0 Replies
 
chai2
  Selected Answer
 
  2  
Reply Sun 14 Aug, 2016 11:57 am
@ehBeth,
ehBeth wrote:

If you were as selfish as the OP then I wouldn't have anything different to say to you.


But...you would have been in no place to say that.

If you told me I was selfish, and I was silly enough to let what you said sway me, I wouldn't have been married to this guy for a couple of decades plus.

We're all selfish. It's not automatically bad thing.

I'm glad I'm selfish. It has given me the good life I have now, and love. Not just in this instance, but many others.

You're selfish, I'm selfish, we're all selfish.

Even if someone believes they are altruistic, living life for others, they are selfish in that they get what they want. That's ranging from getting the good feelings of helping others, the opportunity to be a martyr, the joy of feeling superior to others, of telling them how selfish they are being, etc. Our every action is ultimately serving ourselves.

Maybe this girl needed a wake up call, to realize this young man is serious. Might not happen tomorrow, might not happen at all, but now she's got information on which to base her next decision.

It's total bullshit not to tell someone how you feel about such an important emotion.

Causing someone emotional hurt is sometimes better in the big picture, if it gets them back on track to what is important.

In any event, even if she isn't interested in the OP, the emotional hurt she's gotten isn't deadly, and isn't going to last for the rest of her life. I don't think it's necessarily doing a disservice to someone causing them some pain, if it gives them something to think about. We make decisions based on pain many times. Some decide to run away or somehow avoid the pain. Others look at the pain and examines what it means. Pain is an indication there is something wrong with what is going on.

If she disliked the guy, or had no romantic interest in him, there wouldn't be pain on her side really. Not beyond the "wow, this is uncomfortable" that quickly dissipates. Real pain means decisions need to be made. She may decide to run away, avoid, but that is a decision in itself.

fuffa
 
  1  
Reply Sun 14 Aug, 2016 12:16 pm
@chai2,
I'm really thankful and feeling like my emotions are rushing up because u just read my heart, ..
0 Replies
 
 

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