Old Flame...what now?

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Eight years ago, I was very much in love. GF at the time went abroad for post-grad study, met someone else and I was left out in cold after long distance thing of about a year (old story). I moved on, but stumbled around my late-20s not sure what/where/who/how hard/etc. Smile

After a bit of time, a co-worker friend fell in love with me, and we created a wonderful relationship, very healing. Best friends as well. Still together and we love each other...but madly IN love? Not sure.

Seven years go by. My Ex emails from out of blue. Post 9/11 feelings and some growing-up make her suck it up and try to find me (she has lived in and out of the states for several years, currently out). Does so. Emails how sorry she was, please forgive, can we stay in touch, etc.

We catch up. She has married the man she cheated on me with...but married because of green card issues (to keep him in the States). Trying to make the most of it; her marriage not necessarily on the rocks, but not the best, either.

After a year of cautious email contact, we had an opportunity to meet. Both current partners knew about it; they were quizzical, but understood we needed to clear the air. Ex and I hit it off and were a bit boggled that feelings were very strong. Nothing happened 'cept dinner, drinks, and a four hour conversation that seemed to show that we had an incredibly strong attraction still. We let it go, knowing we'd stay in touch.

We met again several months later (coincidentally...business brings her to the city i live in). We hit it off again and this time spoke pretty frankly but cautiously about having affairs, our current feelings, us trying again, etc. We've always been soulmates and still knew it. Gulp. Nothing came of it, but there it was, on the table. Nevertheless, we parted with a kiss and a wave and exchanged polite emails the next day (she had to leave the city and country).

My head is buzzing. I feel like I slept-walked right into my current relationship which is with an amazing, beautiful person who I love but i'm not sure I'm in love with. My Ex seems as confused as I am with the added pressure that a) she still feels guilty from so many years ago b) thought she was over me, but isn't and c) is married, while I'm not, though my current relationship is older than hers.

The opportunity for something to happen between us seems real (she is returning to the states for good in a month), though it came out in converation (hypthetically) that we both feel that she would have to leave her husband and I would have to leave my current GF, the affair thing tore us apart originally and neither of us would do that to the current people in our lives.

Chances are, nothing will come of it. We'll both creak along in our current relationships, wondering if we should've been rat-bastards and dumped everything we have now to try again. In some ways, the idea of doing that feels right...like we'd just be picking up our "real" relationships after an 8 year hiatus, not really doing anything wrong. In another very real way, we'd be hurting terribly other people we care about and taking a big risk that we haven't mistaken sexual tension and good memories for something solid to base a relationship on.

(I guess it should be said that, though I obviously thought of her many times over the years and essentially hated her for a long time (in absentia), time does heal a lot and I'd frankly assumed I'd never hear from her again and was okay with that. That's what makes having these feelings now so strange, i.e., i wouldn't be in it for the payback.)

Okay, my romance novel is over. What is everyone else's experience with this? It's gotta be the second or third oldest story in the book. I'm probably too chicken$hit to do anything about this situation, but it's keeping me awake at night. Dare I eat a peach?

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Okay, so, this gal cheated on you and is now maneuvering into a position to cheat on her husband. Think she won't cheat on you again if you get back together?

You have a good relationship (so far as I can tell from what you've written) with someone, but the relationship has gone on for a while. Hence, it's less "can't keep our hands off one another" and more "I'm comfortable with her".

This is the nature of the evolution of relationships (they don't call it the Seven-Year Itch for nothin'), things cool down. So right now you are in a cooldown phase and, at the same time, this temptation has been thrust in front of you. No wonder you feel weird about the whole thing.

However, the question isn't really whether or not to cheat or whether or not to get back with your earlier flame. The question is whether to end the relationship with your current girlfriend. For, if you care for her at all, you need to make a break with her. Do you want to end that relationship? If so, then do so, no one's stopping you and, since you're not marrried (and I presume there are no children involved), there are few strings holding you to her if you no longer want to be with her. But, no matter what, you owe her that much, to make a break from her if it's over or if you want to be with someone else. It's only if/when you end it with her that you should even be considering being with the first gal.

But, like I say above, I caution you that I think you'd be walking headlong into a disaster, and may find out that you regret ending things with the first one who, as you have said, seems to be good for you.

PS You don't just run into people "coincidentally" while on business in a strange city. Even if you really didn't plan to meet one another, it's very easy to walk away or make the meeting a brief one. Four hour meetings aren't necessary. For the sake of your current relationship, if you want to keep it, you'll stop running into the old flame for such long time periods.

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are children invovled?

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Do you dare eat a peach?

Is the peach wholesome? Or are you tempted by the poisonous pit inside the stone? Cyanide for Prufrock?

Do you want to have your peach and eat it too?

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I understand that you are being tempted. Your history with this lady is what makes it so difficult to see this for what it is.

Let's see if I can help.

The two of you once had a wonderful relationship. Then, whether it was right or wrong, you broke up. Unfortunately, you cannot erase the intervening years. During those years, you both made commitments. And you should honor them. Because your current partners deserve that, and because you will not respect each other or yourselves if you don't.

I understand the wish to go back and change the past. We all have to live with "what ifs." It's best not to give in to them. Life must be lived in the present. Trying to recreate the past never works.

If you two left your current partners and got together, it could never be like it was then. Too many things have happened. You would both know you were people who had demonstrated that you can't keep commitments. That's no basis for a lasting relationship.

The relationship you have with your long-time girlfriend is a good one. It looks like a much better bet than trying to recapture your youth with a woman who is unhappily married. Don't mistake the intense feelings at the first of a relationship for Real Love. That stage is called "infatuation," and it never lasts more than a year or two. Real Love develops out of trust, when you've been through hell and back with someone. And it lasts a lifetime.

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Eva wrote:

I understand that you are being tempted. Your history with this lady is what makes it so difficult to see this for what it is.

Let's see if I can help.

The two of you once had a wonderful relationship. Then, whether it was right or wrong, you broke up. Unfortunately, you cannot erase the intervening years. During those years, you both made commitments. And you should honor them. Because your current partners deserve that, and because you will not respect each other or yourselves if you don't.

I understand the wish to go back and change the past. We all have to live with "what ifs." It's best not to give in to them. Life must be lived in the present. Trying to recreate the past never works.

If you two left your current partners and got together, it could never be like it was then. Too many things have happened. You would both know you were people who had demonstrated that you can't keep commitments. That's no basis for a lasting relationship.

The relationship you have with your long-time girlfriend is a good one. It looks like a much better bet than trying to recapture your youth with a woman who is unhappily married. Don't mistake the intense feelings at the first of a relationship for Real Love. That stage is called "infatuation," and it never lasts more than a year or two. Real Love develops out of trust, when you've been through hell and back with someone. And it lasts a lifetime.

This is such a good post, Eva! You summed up my thoughts so very nicely I can think of nothing more to say here. Smile

What she said, s2m. Wink

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Eva wrote:

I understand that you are being tempted. Your history with this lady is what makes it so difficult to see this for what it is.

Let's see if I can help.

The two of you once had a wonderful relationship. Then, whether it was right or wrong, you broke up. Unfortunately, you cannot erase the intervening years. During those years, you both made commitments. And you should honor them. Because your current partners deserve that, and because you will not respect each other or yourselves if you don't.

I understand the wish to go back and change the past. We all have to live with "what ifs." It's best not to give in to them. Life must be lived in the present. Trying to recreate the past never works.

If you two left your current partners and got together, it could never be like it was then. Too many things have happened. You would both know you were people who had demonstrated that you can't keep commitments. That's no basis for a lasting relationship.

The relationship you have with your long-time girlfriend is a good one. It looks like a much better bet than trying to recapture your youth with a woman who is unhappily married. Don't mistake the intense feelings at the first of a relationship for Real Love. That stage is called "infatuation," and it never lasts more than a year or two. Real Love develops out of trust, when you've been through hell and back with someone. And it lasts a lifetime.

Throw me in as well for agreeing with Eva.

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Hi All -

Thanks for your thoughts.

Just to clarify a couple things from my first post, there are no children involved on either side. There are some assets in both relationships. Lastly, my Ex and I didn't meet coincidentally; what I meant by that is that we didn't maneuver the visit of Ex to my city. She actually did have business here. But, knowing that, we took advantage of the opportunity and made a point of seeing each other (does that make sense?). Had business not brought her here, we would not have met nor tried to meet.

Communication (email) since the 2nd meet has been polite but distant and I think she's feeling awkward/scared/chagrined. Probably rightly so. What looks like a romantic life opportunity at a sidewalk cafe on a Friday night probably doesn't look so rosey the next day on the flight back home to your husband.

But I'm having trouble getting her and a whole parallel life out of my head right now. At one time, this is the woman I thought I'd have kids with, spend my life with. I guess I haven't actually changed as much as I thought over the years: I haven't lost my feelings for my Ex, which is simulataneously irritating and sad. I worked hard to forget her and give myself to someone else...back to the drawing board.

I can't say I'll cut all contact with her, which is what I should do. Maybe that will come with time and a more sober outlook. But I'm a romantic and a little guy in my head keeps whispering "drop it all, find her, run away, be daring..." But I guess that kind of stuff just belongs in books.

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I think that she is bored with her relationship (hey it happens to all of us) and was looking for some excitiment in her life.

You have to weigh what is important to you. THINK of the future and what you could gain and what you could lose. How much do you love the person you are with right now? What would happen if she found out that you and the ex had such a strong sexual attraction. How would you feel if your wife felt like that toward her ex ?

You need to think long and hard over where to go with these feelings you say you have. Do not act on anything without being a mature and rational adult. The rest of your life could suffer from messing around with this person you shared a PAST with.