6
   

How to overcome shyness.

 
 
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Aug, 2016 06:59 am
@chai2,
That is my point - you don't get certain things - it doesn't mean that isn't a real fear. She is trying to overcome this and that is great. But different tools work for different people. Sometimes by putting someone in a real situation not only makes them appear vulnerable but also normal and not so scary. Realizing someone is in their underwear or sitting on the toilet makes you realize they are just like you and not so scary.

I am guessing from this individual's post that she is younger so has not reached that height of damn I don't care what other people think. If they think I am a fool it is intimidating and scary to me. I remember that feeling - it is a real fear. Now whether it is really something you should be scared about is not the issue - the issue is it is a real fear. Like little kids thinking there is a monster under the bed -- is there really a monster - no, but their fear is real and that is why you deal with the fear and help them overcome that part of it.

Dismissing the fear and saying you have no reason to fear that doesn't help most people. Giving them tools so they can understand and work toward overcoming the fear helps.

It appears this is what the poster is seeking some guidance on how to help and deal with this -- not to discount the fear or anxiety.
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Aug, 2016 10:28 am
@Linkat,
Linkat wrote:

That is my point - you don't get certain things - it doesn't mean that isn't a real fear. She is trying to overcome this and that is great. But different tools work for different people. Sometimes by putting someone in a real situation not only makes them appear vulnerable but also normal and not so scary. Realizing someone is in their underwear or sitting on the toilet makes you realize they are just like you and not so scary.

I am guessing from this individual's post that she is younger so has not reached that height of damn I don't care what other people think. If they think I am a fool it is intimidating and scary to me. I remember that feeling - it is a real fear. Now whether it is really something you should be scared about is not the issue - the issue is it is a real fear. Like little kids thinking there is a monster under the bed -- is there really a monster - no, but their fear is real and that is why you deal with the fear and help them overcome that part of it.

Dismissing the fear and saying you have no reason to fear that doesn't help most people. Giving them tools so they can understand and work toward overcoming the fear helps.

It appears this is what the poster is seeking some guidance on how to help and deal with this -- not to discount the fear or anxiety.



Linkat, what is it exactly do you feel I'm not getting?

Where have I discounted any fear or anxiety?

I thought I was giving some pretty sound advice to start slow, continue to smile and say hello to people, and that each time you do it you build another small layer of confidence to do it again, or take another step forward.

I'm really confused where you are hearing me say the fear isn't real.

I also think it's great she's making steps forward to learn how to put herself slightly out of her comfort zone by saying hello. I also said that while she's doing it she will realize that people overwhelmingly will respond in some type of positive manner, even if it's nodding or smiling back. That's huge.

Where are you hearing me saying something different? Confused
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Aug, 2016 10:32 am
@cicerone imposter,
cicerone imposter wrote:

Why should I need to wave?


Where did I say wave?

tsk.

I don't know what it is, but I'm saying the same thing as you. I know you strike up conversations with strangers. So do I.

You said you respond to people saying hello to you.

I asked if you ever initiated by saying hi yourself.

0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Aug, 2016 10:46 am
@chai2,
Quote:
I also get the "I don't want to look foolish" thing.


I actually read this as I also don't get the .... I think you changed it to make me look bad. ....kidding of course. Do you forgive me?
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Aug, 2016 11:20 am
@Roberta,
Roberta wrote:


Self-important? My first comment was that not talking to or saying hello to strangers is a regional characteristic. If I had gone my whole life without strangers saying hello, it seems natural to me that someone speaking to me would know me.

When I say trouble, I mean Trouble. Yes, a minor smile can lead to attempted rape. It happened to me. And I smiled at someone who seemed nice while I was waiting for a train. He wouldn't leave me alone. I finally had to threaten to throw him on the tracks to get rid of him.

On the other hand, someone who offers me a hand or an arm to help me off the bus is worth more than a smile. People with dogs are a good way to meet people. These folks are only too happy to talk about their dogs.


It was never my intent to offend you Roberta. Sincerely. I think that comment about wondering who here knows me was a (hate to use this term) trigger for me. That would be too long an explanation so I'll leave it at that.

Yes, I understand Trouble. Been understanding it since I was that 11 year old girl who developed early and would regularly get cat calls, leers, blatent suggestions from large groups drunken men who had spent the entire day out in the sun, and were getting back on their rented bus to head back home to their wives and kids, suggesting maybe I'd like to get onboard to a little while so they could take me for a ride. That's just one paragraph in my book. Add to that the fact I had no one to go to and tell about this, because when I tried, I got the "well, what did you do to make that happen?" thing.

So yes Roberta, yes Linkat, I get it. I get being afraid to talk to someone. I get overcoming that is hard.

That's why I am discriminating in who I say hello or smile to. Sorry if I've given the impression I give a blanket "hello world!" Thinking everyone is my friend.

Really thinking about it here, I tend to more say hello to women, especially women of a certain age, because that's what I am. This is human nature. Not saying I leave other groups of people out, but I'm more likely to have something interesting to listen to when it's someone who is at the same place in life.
Younger, especially younger good looking people? Meh. They've got enough people asking for their attention. Frankly I'm more inclined to say hello to the shy young person, and patiently what for them to open up at their speed. I don't push. That's another think it seems people may be thinking about what I've been saying, like I'm getting in their face with "HI!!! WANNA TALK???" Another thing, when I talk about saying "hello" I am not literally meaning that. Think of it more of making contact.

lol, actually, I'm more like Jane Goodall observing people. I approach, make my presence known, and provide opportunities for interaction.

2 things I do, that I'm guessing will be surprising to you, is #1 Find something about the situation or person that they relate to and #2 Listen more then talk, inputting to keep them going. Remember the guy I mentioned in Pollo Tropical? I found out all this stuff about him, because I let him do 80% of the talking.

Re #1 and #2... a couple of days ago at the pool, a young lady, maybe 14, got in the water in the shallow end, and kept to herself. Her grandmother was in the lap lane and encouraged her to join her, but she just shook her head. That's totally cool. I know the grandmother and could see she was aware of her grandaughters shyness, and was encouraging, not pushing her. I was talking to a couple other women, also in the shallow end.

This young lady was quite adorable. I dunno, maybe she got unwanted attention too. One thing I noticied was that she had really lovely hands, and had obviously gone to great lengths to give herself a good manicure. So I simply said to her "You have beautiful hands, your nails are perfect" She immediatley smiled and murmured "thanks"

Then I hit pay dirt. I lifted my sunglasses to see the color properly and said "That's a great color, it looks like......periwinkle?" BAM! BIG smile! "Yes! That's exactly what it's called on the bottle!" That cause the other 2 women to comment how pretty it was as well. Then, we left her alone. That was it. That's all. Contact was made. She felt good about herself. Mission accomplished. A few minutes after that, I noticed she was venturing out a little futher into the water. Maybe because of that little layer of confidence she got by being given a sincere compliment? Maybe.

One interesting thing I noted Boida. Not for just you, but for everyone, including me. But you were the one who said the following, so you're the example that comes to mind. It's interesting that you're aware of potential dangers (that's a really good thing) and would wonder why someone is talking to you, and that they could be Trouble, but.....not if they have a dog.

Then, that's a good way to start a conversation. Dog lovers can be Trouble too, and Trouble People will use animals as a lure to entice to victims. I know you know that. We all know that. But, see how well it works?

I'm not onboard with the thought that shyness is something to be overcome. It's something to be respected. But, I think it's important to provide opportunities for shy people to be comfortable stepping out a little. It's a 2 way street.



cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Aug, 2016 11:32 am
@chai2,
I think women being afraid is justified. I have traveled extensively during my younger days, and women never traveled alone. I shouldn't say "never," but that's been my experience.
Having traveled solo many times, I have walked the streets of foreign cities without feeling any fear. I once got my camera stolen by a young man who came from behind, and broke the strap of my camera bag, and ran off. It was during a cruise in South America. I didn't bother chasing him, because I knew I would never catch up to him. The only regret I had was the fact that all the pictures I'd taken up to that point were all gone. I bought a throw away camera for the rest of the trip.
0 Replies
 
Rudpolph
 
  0  
Reply Fri 10 May, 2019 02:49 pm
@Thetruthaboutcrushes,
Hi, this is more of a ' I feel ya ' kinda reply, rather than advice cos Ive never really totally overcome my shyness. What I do know is that the more time you spend alone and isolate, the harder it is when you have to interact socially. I was PAINFULLY shy about 10 years ago ( still quite shy ) and I got a job at an airport cleaning......I had to interact with staff and travellers\customers all day, I was surrounded by people constantly, and I found my shyness really diminished during this period. On the other hand, during the times Ive stayed in my comfort zone avoiding interaction, Ive found it really hard to get going again when the time comes. I wish you good luck. Smile
cicerone imposter
 
  2  
Reply Fri 10 May, 2019 05:18 pm
@Rudpolph,
Overcoming shyness is difficult, but not impossible. From a shy teen to my attendance in college, I experienced a transformation that I didn't expect. I was afraid to speak in front of a class in grade school, but by the time I went to college, I was speaking in front of the class. At the companies I worked, I spoke in front of associates and managers. I'm not sure how that transformation was accomplished, but it did happen. I think it was learning and thinking to myself that many shy people become good speakers and actors. I knew I wouldn't be the worst or the best. Somewhat similar to when I was in the US Air Force; don't be the first or last in any group activity. It was about not making a fool of yourself in front of others. It worked out pretty well. When my best friend passed away, his family asked me to do the eulogy. After the funeral, some approached me to tell me I did a good job, but I'll never volunteer to do another one.
0 Replies
 
 

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