How do I make new friends when I don't enjoy partying?

Reply Thu 15 Sep, 2011 05:44 pm
Hello everyone!!! I've just recently started college and I feel like an outcast. I don't like drinking or partying. I have nothing agaist college parties, they just don't do anything for me. I'd much prefer watching movies, reading and listening to music, but it seems like in this university, everybody's partying. Am I weird for not liking the same thing as everyone else? All the other students make partying and drinking sound like the necessary college experince. My flatmates go out clubbing and drinking every night and they stay out until one or two in the morning. For the past two nights I've been hearing them stumbling back to their door rooms (which are opposite of me) completely drunk and being hungover in the morning. They go to different clubs and bars each night and even when they aren't going out, they invite a bunch of people over to their dorm to drink with.
When my flatmates first arrived, they invited everyone on our floor for a get together and they also invited me. I was the only at the party not drinking and I felt excluded because people seemed to ignore me because I wasn't drinking like everyone else. I left the party (which was two night ago) early and after that they haven't invited me to any more parties and I feel hurt. I genuinely like my flatmates and want to get to know them better, but I guess they don't feel the same.
I want to make new friends, but it seems like the only way to do that is to fall to peer pressure and party like everyone else, but I don't want to. I don't want to change myself just to fit in. I want people to like me for myself. But it's hard, because I'm a nice, sensible girl from a nice upper middle class family and I feel as thoughdthey find me boring and a "party pooper" which is why they don't invite me anymore. My flatmates and the other students in our building also smoke and they ofter take "smoke breaks" together. I don't smoke, so naturally I don't get invited along. I just feel really left out. There are two girls on my floor: Myself and another girl. We arrived at pretty much the same time and we seemed to connect, but because of the parties, she and my other flatmates have gotten close and spend a lot of time together and they go out drinking together every night and she's pretty much lost any interest in me. I feel like a boring old Ford that she's traded in for the new, hip and cooler models. (really bad example I know, but please bear with me as english is not my first language). I was never popular in highschool and I thought university would be different, that I'd actually get to meet people who could see past my plainness and want to get to know me. I was always the social outcast in high school, partly due to my weight and my shy nature. I genuinely thought that uni students would be understanding and mature and open-minded enough not to discriminate againt me based on my appearance, personality or preferences. I'm starting to feel like the proverbial ugly duckling again.
I'm a little overweight and I've been told that I'm pretty, but I'm not beautiful and I'm really shy, though I always try to be kind and understanding and helpful to others, but people just don't seems to want to get to know me and it hurts. I just moved to England a week ago from abroad and all my old friends are back home. I want to make new friends that I can hang out with and go to the movies with. I just want to meet nice people whom I can talk to, go shopping with and spend time with. But I'm worried that people consider me to be too stale and boring. I want to fit in and have a social life, but not at the cost of catering to the desires of other people and forcing myself to take part in activities that I don't enjoy.
I'm not a hermit and I like going out. Back home I used to go out to dinner and the movies with my friends or just hanging out. I like spending time with people, going for coffee and just talking to them and getting to know them. But it seems that in this day and age the only way to make friends is throught a beer bottle, under strobe light and to the beat of ear shattering dance music.
Am I just too sensible? I am after all studying accounting! I'm a normal girl and I just want to live a nice, quiet, peaceful life. I want to meet other like-minded people, but they just don't seem to exist at our school.
I don't drink or smoke mainly because I've never found any pleasure in "bar hopping". There's a secong reason though: My mother had breast cancer and her doctor informed me that I also have a high chance of getting it. At the moment thankfully she's in remission, but the cancer could return at any time and I definately don't want to take any chances with my health or life. Before my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, I could still go out with my friends and we'd find a peaceful bar and order a few beers or a bottle of wine and spend a nice, quiet night out just chatting and having fun. How can I make friends when I truly dislike partying? I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not, but I don't want to spend the next four years of college complitely friendless!! Please give me some advice.
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Reply Thu 15 Sep, 2011 06:13 pm
porri wrote:
Please give me some advice.

You could make some friends with some folks on this forum. Very Happy

I identified with most of your points when I was younger and your age.

Now that I'm 60, I don't care if I have any friends (in person). There are people here I consider friends. Wink
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Reply Thu 15 Sep, 2011 06:13 pm
Sorry but I couldn't read such a large post on my iPod Touch screen so forgive me if my answer glosses over anything you have written there. I did try and skim.

For me? A shy individual (especially) in college, I hated partying (and well conveniently was never invited).

Look into specialized clubs at your school that fit your interests: like you said, movies and music. Every good school has them. Heck! Every school has a thousand student clubs to socialize, make friends, enjoy common activities, etc....

Also, investigate whether your school has a no alcohol/party free dorm for you to stay in. These party dorms can be torture for those straight laced and sensible students like yours truly.

Reply Thu 15 Sep, 2011 06:21 pm
I think you should Google the benefits of exercise for preventing breast cancer. Then adopt some exercise regimen if it has a benefit and you are physically fit enough to exercise (ask the college medical facility if it would be advisable). You might lose some weight, and make new friends. You would also have a reason to tell others why you don't drink.

Also, learn patience. College is only a blip on the radar screen of one's life, even though many act as though it was the main show. It is just the last scene before real adult responsibilities set in, and many people, I believe, wax nostalgic over it.
Reply Thu 15 Sep, 2011 06:25 pm
That said, exercise through those not so serious intemural sports like kickball or jogging/running, swimming (if your school has a pool), etc....
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Reply Thu 15 Sep, 2011 06:39 pm
Agreeing strongly with Tsar on all his points on his first post.

I do wonder about the total alcohol ban re breast cancer. Not that I want to push you to drink drink drink, but just wondering. Do you know that you have a key gene for breast cancer? I may not be up on the latest re breast cancer statistics, so don't listen to me - but it is an enquiry for some later research for you, possibly, re whether you can occasionally have a glass of wine with a meal, for example. Data often conflicts, and there are plenty of stats that low alcohol is a better idea than none re various outcomes.

Women in general are well advised to not have more than one or two glasses of wine a day - while universities seem to have a huge drinking culture, at least that I have read about. Th

On shyness, I used to be very shy. I remember that I was very critical of others - that I hadn't begun to know - and very centered on myself. When I was around your age, that changed. I got more relaxed with myself and started looking around at who other people are, and interested.

For example, I worked while going through university and a woman I worked with in a hospital cashier's office was always going on about the race track. She was like a zebra in the room, to me, then. Anyway, at some point I began, on her urging, to give her a horse's name for the fourth race, and so on... and, ha, my record based simply on their names and no racing world data, worked for her enough that we could all enjoy each other, while it was just a game. Ok, I might have looked at the odds, once I got an idea of what odds are, which probably took a while. Point is, we were very unlike, but took each other as ok, while of course keeping the cashier's room going workwise. That was a place that was sometimes crazy busy and later, not so much.

You sound fine to me, just thrown into a new school of fish.
Reply Thu 15 Sep, 2011 06:45 pm
On breast cancer and exercise - I've had it. I ran and swam a lot before that.

I don't like the idea of an established regimen to ward off breast cancer. Those sound like scams.

Live wisely and well and then look around you.
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Reply Thu 15 Sep, 2011 08:01 pm
I agree - find a dorm that is alcohol free. Most colleges and/or universities have them. Don't be pressured into drinking.

Good luck - BTW most of those heavy partiers will NOT be there next semester. So you will have a clear view of it all Smile
Reply Thu 15 Sep, 2011 08:37 pm
That's what I was going to say! Most of the serious partiers flunk out after the first semester or two.

And a lot of serious students move out of the dorms as soon as they can. It's a lot easier to sleep and study without all that noise and nonsense. Are you required to live in a dorm your freshman year? Or could you rent a place close to the campus next semester?

Don't worry about making friends. It's almost impossible to avoid making friends at college because there are so many people around. Just start looking for others like yourself. You'll find them.
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Reply Fri 16 Sep, 2011 10:57 am
I agree with the club/organization type thing. There has to be some sort of organization or club with your interests. I think you just haven't met the right people.

And as an aside - these kids can't keep partying like that and get good grades. My guess is that they will eventually slow down a little where they are only getting drunk on weekends.
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Reply Sun 3 Jun, 2012 12:07 am
hmm, story of my life.
i guess, having a dream and going for it. will make many friends along the road, no matter what.
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