Shy approaching women...

Forums: Relationships, Shyness, Shy, Approach Anxiety
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hey guys,

i'm really shy approaching girls in real life. there are times when i'm at a bar, and i can make myself walk across the room to talk to a girl. but i can really only do it after ive downed a few drinks. but if i don’t have a few drinks in me, i can't concentrate on what i'm saying because all i can think about is how nervous i am.

is this normal? does anyone else feel nervous when approaching an attractive woman? last weekend i was so nervous talking to a girl that my hand was shaking, and i ended up spilling beer on myself... i know. it's almost kind of funny.

i've been looking online on how to approach girls in public and i found a couple of ebooks and videos that seem pretty cool. they’re kind of all over the place and they seem to say the same things. They just keep telling you to expose yourself to fear and like desensitize yourself just by pushing through the pain… but i don’t know if i have that in me. i was looking around for something that i could possibly take that could make me less nervous. i don't really want to take anti-depressants or get addicted to anything though. i don't want to take prescription anti-anxiety medication.. i mean i'm fine at my job and interacting with other guys. So, i shouldn't need that, right?

i found a few herbal supplements that are supposed to calm you down. i heard st. john's sort can be good and valerian root. but i heard st. john's wort has some sort of health issues with it and valerian can make you really sleepy. i found this supplement on a forum that someone recommended for approach anxiety called a2x approach anxiety exterminator. i ordered it and i really hope it works. have any of you guys tried something like this that has been successful for you?

i know some of you guys are probably just going to tell me to man up and go and talk to girls but i just can't do it so easily. i don’t really go out that much.. maybe i should just go out more and see how it works out…

stan

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@livingstan84,

Well (and I'm female, for the record), I'd suggest situations other than bars and drinking.

As in, if you are comfortable and feel competent in a particular situation, it might inspire more confidence in speaking with women.

Case in point. Let's say, for sake of argument, that you can play guitar. You're no Jimi Hendrix but you're okay. You are competent and can do pretty well. How about an advanced guitar class? You could meet people (not just women -- meeting both genders can help you with confidence in meeting just the one) and would have a reason to feel confident.

Not a guitarist? So what. Maybe you can cook passably well, or paint, or you're good at preparing tax forms or driving. Whatever it is -- if you get yourself into situations where you can show off a skill you've got, I think it'll help.

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@livingstan84,

Speaking as a woman, I would not want a man to approach me if he was drinking (or drugged) to the point that he was no longer himself. I think the bar scene is very stressful because it's like a cold call in sales, most people can't pull it off unless they can emotionally detach from the situation and shrug off rejection. I think the best way to met someone is through a date set up by a friend, being part of event where you casually socialize (a single's hike or day trip) or even an on-line dating service where you have exchanged a few emails and have learned something about each other before getting together for coffee. The other option is to borrow a puppy or a cute dog and sit with it in a public space - the girls will stop and chat, I promise.

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I used to be very shy. One day I took a hard look at why that was. I had wasted so much time worrying about what other people thought. I put words and ideas into complete strangers heads. Stupid. Most people don't give you, me, anyone that much thought.
I suggest you join a group and just make friends with women. Learn to talk to them in different settings and forget about pre-tenses. Most people you meet will NOT be as hard on you as you are on yourself. Women aren't from an alien planet, we are very much alike. Some like sports, or music, or books or hiking or biking...
Bars are notoriously hard to converse and the girls in bars aren't necessarily looking for a nice guy but a good time. It's a false reality.
Get a dog, go to the dog park. Trust me, you'll find people that are willing to talk to you and go from there.

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@Ceili,

I agree with Ceili. I also used to be very shy, and look at me now, Ms. Talk your ear off, sometimes. I decided at some point that being shy was not looking outward to others and how they felt - it was all about me. This coincided with my getting a job in a hospital after school, which forced me to look around.

One of my first friends in the hospital office was a woman who spent much of her life at the race track, surely not a good idea, but I too liked horses, so conversations happened. I'm a woman, by the way. Anyway, from my view, shy is just in the way.

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@livingstan84,

I decided at one point that most attractive women I met were, in fact, either bitches or uninteresting. And a lot of the pressure fell off after that; I stopped worrying about trying to impress anyone.

The funny thing is that it worked in large part. A lot of girls who are used to being fawned over were attracted by someone who blew them off or just didn't engage in those typical behaviors. But by then I wasn't as attracted to them anymore :/

Cycloptichorn

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@Cycloptichorn,

Quote:

I decided at one point that most attractive women I met were, in fact, either bitches or uninteresting.

That's a rather unfair or naive statement.
I assume you ended up marrying a homely woman who other men don't find attractive?

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@Green Witch,

Quote:

That's a rather unfair or naive statement

it is an accurate statement....the girls who are naturally very attractive get a lot of attention from guys all the time year after year, and the result is often that they become bitches. The girls who have to work at it tend to take "dress to impress" the the extreme that they also mold their personality to conform to what they think guys want, and if this cookie cutter personality is not what you happen to like (and it appears that our Cycloptichorn does not like) then you might as well avoid all of this type.

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@livingstan84,

This may sound odd, or even cliche, but try practicing your lines. Practicing lines by the way, isn't about finding a cool pick up line, it's about how you say your introduction. By that I mean, you can just practice saying "Hello, I saw you from across the room and thought I'd introduce myself. I'm....", or very simply "Hello. My name is..." or something similar and simple. Say it in many different ways until you find an introduction that is genuinely 'you' (whether that be friendly/warm/confident/cool/funny or other), and enough times that you become very comfortable with saying it.

You would be surprised how many guys voices crack saying something so simple to a beautiful stranger. 'Practising' saying this out loud does a number of things :
- It gives you an automated memory to fall back on
- it makes you more comfortable how you are going to introduce yourself
- you will know how your voice will sound (instead of being surprised to hear it squeak)
- you will come off as relaxed and confident (and if it doesn't work the first time that way...this is the good thin - just practice some more and you will become even more comfortable with the idea)

If practising lines sounds corny, just think of how many people practice their speeches when they are new to public speaking - it's exactly the same concept.

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@hawkeye10,

So a lot of beautiful women have snubbed you too, huh? Some guys just don't have the looks or charm.

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@livingstan84,

Yeah.........this is pretty normal mate. There are some guys who are just naturally very confident, outgoing etc, but for most of us, its a pretty dawning task having to chat up a woman. You're thinking about, she's out of my league, I don't know what to say, and of course.........am I going to get rejected. Women for the most part are lucky enough that society, generally speaking, has it that its us men that have to do the 'risk taking', the asking, we are the ones who have to approach women in the best way we see fit and often we arent particularly confident in our ability to do this. You're certainly far from alone, Id say MOST men fear rejection and are nervous speaking to women, in a chatting them up kinda context, for want of a better phrase. Except me of course, it comes like second nature to me!!!!.......(sarcasm lol). Smile

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@Rudpolph,

This thread is 8 years old, I doubt the op is coming back.

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@glitterbag,

oh i didnt notice lol ty

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i was also shy in my college time but slowly slowly i started to talk girls. My problem solved. If you not tried to get it overcome. You will never come.

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