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Fri 10 Sep, 2004 08:32 am
I have been with my BF for 1 year and 1 month.( we don't live together although he stays over my house quite often we live a couple hours from one another but he drives here just about everyday) everything is going great were so good together... BUT... theres a couple things about him that i just cant seem to understand. yes, I have tried talking to him already and really didn't get any kinda answer so i thought maybe someone can help me figure out whats going on....Ok, here it goes..the first thing is, still after a year together ive never been to his place.. when i said something about it to him, first he sorta blew it off by changing the subject... then he says you will. now from what he tells me is hes in a small studio apt..( big difference from myself i live in a 4 BR home) maybe hes embarrassed of his place?the neighborhood? I don't know what to make of this!Secondly.. Ive met alot if not all of his friends...BUT none of his family. hes only close with a couple of his cousins. they know about me but we've never met in person. WHY? now my BIGGEST concern...he was married before we went to a party and i was talking with one of his friends... he was telling me about his ex and how bad she was blah blah ( he caught her cheating when he came home from work one day with not one but TWO men at the same time) ACK! but anyways his friend says to me which floored me. "did they finally divorce ?" Thank god i was sitting or i would have fell over... i just said. ummmmm i have to assume so... he told me he was divorced. well a couple weeks ago he said he had to wire money didn't say to who or for what but, i know it was to his ex-wife. she moved to NC and that where the money was being sent. the amount was $200.00 ( most states approx. fee for filing for divorce) are you guys thinking the same thing as i am? ughh i'm not sure what to think or do.( if anything) I love this man so much, i just need to know whats going on... any clues? anyone?
Smells a lot like this guy's still married. Whether he and his wife are separated, or have started divorce proceedings, is unknown. This is where you come in.
In some private place, you've got to sit him down and say, "Honey, why haven't I seen your place?" "Honey, are you divorced? When were you divorced?" and/or "Honey, when can I meet your family?" If you don't like using Honey or other endearments, don't bother, but you get the gist of what I mean.
And don't let him off the hook until he answers. If he will not tell you what his marital status is, tell him flat out that you don't go out with married men, and if he won't tell you, you will have to assume that he is married. The other two questions are less important than this one, so get it answered first. If there is no answer, or if the answer is not to your satisfaction, I suggest you move on.
re
still after a year together ive never been to his place
Hold up...definitely a red flag...
I would definitely ask him about those things. Tell him that the secrets make you wonder, and you need him to be honest to/with you. If he doesn't take you to see his place immediately, dump him. If he does, then you still need to have him come clean about his ex. I would even ask to see the documents. Why shouldn't he show them to you? At the very least, he would know the time and place the divorce occurred. I would take his word, without him proving it via documents, but I would personally check to verify it. I think divorce is a public record, like marriage, right? Time to put on the old gum shoes...
Think carefully about what it is you want to know, and why. It seems that you only know the surface of this person, and that may be enough if all you are looking for are a few laughs and a bit of sex. If you want the relationship to deepen, does he? Why would he hide personal information? If you found that he was still married, would that make a difference to you? What is he telling you by insisting upon so much personal privacy? What kind of character does this fellow have? You already aren't sure you trust him, so why continue at all? It seems to me that this is a pretty shaky relationship at the moment, and it may be time to move on.
If you think there is something of enduring value, then investigate. You already probably know more about this guy than you realize. Think about it, and then quietly check out the information. What does he do for a living? What's his address, is it rally an apartment house? How does he handle his finances? How does he spend his time when not with you, or on the job? Finding information about people these days has become pretty easy. Why shouldn't you use your resources to resolve your questions?
Verify what you think you know. Ask questions of mutual friends, coworkers, and neighbors. Listen carefully, and think about what you hear. These things can, and should be done with subtilty. Be prepared not to like what you may discover.
Ok.... I did the deed. In a way things are a little better than i expected.. he IS divorced ( pheww). she went crying to him shes getting kicked out of her place if she didn't pay rent blah blah so he helped her. I told him that was fine but you SHOULD have just said that to me instead of trying to hide things. as for the friend. and what he said to me. he said that he was close with his friend during the beginning of the divorce then the kinda lost touch for a while he will call him and make sure he knows it is FINAL! now, supposedly this weekend we'll be going to his place he said to me he never looked at it as a big deal because he was always down here ( not taking up for him but we usually are down at my place witch is 2 hours south of him) i told him i felt as if he was living a double life after a year of us being together and me not being to his place was a little off to me and i wanted to go see it this weekend or he can start staying home( OMG i grew balls so to speak anyways) LOL
I really love this man he is well known and liked in his community. his friends have nothing but good to say about him. he is a really good person. great partner and a personality that is totally amazing. we talked about furthering or relationship sometime soon hopefully ( marriage) I told him somewhere in the future i do see us marrying and left it like that.I think i did the right thing. it was really eating at me and i needed the answers. Thank you for all your help everyone =)
FinallyFree--
I love happy endings. Thanks for bringing us up to date.
Thanks Noddy...... you couldnt imagine how nervous i was ( afraid of the unknown ya know) but, now back to normal life again
Finally Free--
Back to "normal"--and "normal" is a bit more courageous than it was last week.
Congratulations.
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