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Thu 9 Sep, 2004 03:43 am
Last year I discovered my husband had an affair. The woman was into BDSM and he joined in, including taking her to a group BDSM session and the"sex manianc ball". Then i found out he was into hard core porn, dressing up in my clothes, going to to chats rooms as a lesbian,posted himself on a dating site, and swapping emails with trannies and shemales. I'm not inventing this. it's all true! After some long painful conversations I agreed to let him stay - we have a boy of 11 (then). He said he would stop all the inetrnet stuff, come home more frequently( he works away in the week) and be a good boy. It took me a long time to stop feeling hurt but I'm now left unable to trust him. Especially as I know he still spends time on the internet, has a private email account and buys porn still (albeit softer- heavily into lesbianism). On holiday we found condoms left in our hotel room. He secreted took them and they have since disappeared. he may just have binned them but...The other week I found he had installed spyware to check everything I was up too on the family computer. So i blasted it off with some other software. Neither of us has said anything about it. In fact we don't talk about any of our problems - just household things etc. If I didn't have my son i'd throw my husband out, but I thought I could stick it out until my son leaves school. But i feel trapped, suspicious, and am scared to confront my husband as I hate rows. What a wimp you think. But I know what will happen. The tears, apologies and then it will probably all start over again. Just to put this in context, we've had big rows about his intsnt messaging, etc several times over the past few years. each time he stops for a bit and starts again. He says he feels his sexual performance has declined (he's 49) and this is compmesation. But he won't see a doctor (bought fake viagara off the web though!). Opinions please...
cheater?
I just always think -- once a cheater always a cheater. Look how much stress this is putting on your life!!! How old is your son? THe man needs to GO. GO> GO> GO!!! If your son is old enough he will understand...but he needs to know all the details.
Throw the bum out. If you avoid all conflict, all that will happen is that either you or your husband will inevitably explode with anger, and that's even worse for your son.
Your son will have a much easier time of it if you are a single parent with values and self-respect, rather than a married parent scared of meaningful conflict - and it is meaningful - you've asked hubby to do something, and he has promised to do it, and he hasn't done it. And this isn't something small like not taking out the trash as promised - it goes to the very core of your marriage. So trust is out of your relationship, and there's a real possibility that another affair is going on, but hubby is just being more careful about covering his tracks.
I'm sorry if I'm sounding harsh here. Please recognize that the initial affair was not your fault, but if you let this kind of thing go on, you've really got to look yourself in the mirror, square in the eye and point to the person making it easier for him to keep doing what he's doing. You are enabling him. If he will not get medical help, if he will not go for counseling, you are allowing this to happen. This is not a good environment for your son.
Oh, and another thing, given that BDSM involves not only the exchange of semen but also can involve the exchange of blood, and because condoms may or may not be used every time, there's a very real possibility of an STD being passed to you. Of course you don't want that.
You need to develop a backbone and stand up to this guy and protect your son. You can do it. We've got confidence in you.
I agree with the always wise jespah. Throw him out on his butt and change the locks.
You have already stopped talking to each other and when you do it sounds like all you get are lies. It sounds to me like the situation will just continue to escalate until you don't trust each other at all. It sounds very unhealthy for everyone involved...including your son.
I don't know the details of your situation but if you didn't talk about the spyware issue, perhaps it just installed itself due to the excessive porn sites he was visiting...because porn sites often do that...
Anyway, you need to get rid of him I think.
I also agree
I agree with the others.
You know things will never change. Don't allow your fear of confrontation or his tears and apologies to sway you from doing what you need to do for your own sanity and safety. His activities have put your life and health at extreme risk. If he truly cared about the marriage and about you as his wife, he would not have engaged in conduct that jeopardizes all of you.
Given the nature of his sexual affairs, you ought to get checked out for STD and HIV.
Divorce him. You know that's what you want to do!
He seems to me to be having a sexual/gender identity crisis and probably needs counselling by a therapist with expertise re changes he may want to make. I don't think "just saying no" re what attracts him is very workable.
I agree with the others that the family situation needs resolving, that conflict avoidance will be apt to increase pressure in the long run. I think you could probably find help in some counselling on your own, perhaps first.
I don't know what is wise, whether mentioning the possibility of gender crises to him would be explosive, or a relief to him.
My own opinion is that divorce would be better for all concerned.
I definitely agree that you need to seek protection from sexually transmitted disease.
Quote:But he won't see a doctor
*shakes head*
Well, he has made the choice, and that choice did not include you. He obviously has little respect for you, if any. His pride comes off (from what you've written) larger than his love for you.
If he does not want to seek counseling, he has already made the choice for you. He doesn't want to work it out, imo.
Whatever happens, best of luck to you. What a horrible situation to be in.
((hugs))
you don't want your kid growing up with that kind of role model anyway
I think your boy is probably old enough to understand why his dad is better off out of your lives. This is just bizarre, destructive behaviour. I also agree, see a doctor, get tested, even if just for your own peace of mind.
I'm with the majority here. As long as you are married to him, his problems are your problems. Since he's not interesting in confronting and solving his problems you are carrying the full weight of his confusion--and getting nothing in return.
Why won't he see a doctor? Surely if he were confronted he would see how damaging his behavior is for your marriage and his parental relationship with your child?
of course i completely agree with all of the posters here.
just wanted to show my support for you.
please come back to tell us your thoughts!
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