Did I do anything wrong?

Reply Sun 17 Jul, 2016 07:19 pm
Me and some former friends if that's what I can them, used to get together every Sunday for game night. We would sit around laugh and joke, especially me I would make jokes about anime girls and say they are hot and would mind having one as a lover if they were real, when I say jokes like that people would laugh or not bat an eye from what I saw. So one night on Sunday in February which was Valentine's Day weekend, people were discussing the topic of Valentine's Day. I stated my opinion of the holiday and stated with the best intentions and not to sound bitter or single which I was, but I merely expressed that I felt Valentine's Day was kind of a marketing holiday and that I felt you should love your significant other everyday as you would on Valentine's Day. The only young lady at the game took what I said out of context and stated that putting your girlfriend(said nothing about a man by the way) on a pedestal is making her an object to be admire and that that is sexism and misogyny. As I am trying to elaborate on my view people in the room kept cutting me off and not letting me finish what I had to say. I was feeling vey upset after that but get mad or irrational because I was in someone else's home, but did leave the game early, as I was leaving I was letting everyone know my opinion was not to be taken in malice, it was just my personal view. And as I was leaving everyone seemed to smiling laughing no one seemed upset. After that night I didn't speak to anyone from game night for a week because I was upset that they didn't give me enough respect as a man to finish what I was saying. That same week I was talking to anyone one of my guy friends who set up game night on Sunday and was conducted as his house kept trying to get in touch with me for a week but I felt I wasn't ready to talk to him yet because he was one of the people who kept interrupting me while I was speaking. After a week I text him back and he tells he feel that I am not having fun at game and that no one will be mad if I want to sit it out for awhile, I told I will as it was alittle to slow pace for me as a lot of the games we played were puzzle games and I have a short attention span. So we are joking with each other as that is going I confront about him and other people cutting me off as I was trying to speak, and told him of that was my home we were in I would respect every person enough to let them finish what they were saying. He told me that he didn't intend to disrespect me but he claimed he was trying to stop from digging a deeper hole with the women in the room as they took what I said about Valentine's Day and loving your significant other as sexism and misogyny. I told him all I was saying was that women and men deserved to be shown the kind of love they are shown on Valentine's Day everyday. He then said that the young lady who misinterpreted what said, said after I had left that night and was no longer present expressed to everyone that she doesn't feel safe with me in the same room as her as she feels I treat her like an object. I told him that she doesn't know me well to have that kind of opinion about me and that is not who I am and he should've known this. He then brought up the anime girl jokes I said and stated it made everyone even the men in the room uncomfortable which I still don't understand why, they all watch the same trashy and raunchy anime shows I do and they even admitted to it. So we had a little back and forth after that and it ended with me saying if what I said offended someone because they took what I said out of context then I'm sorry but I will not apologize for having an opinion. We haven't talked since and one of the guys there who I thought was my friend and gave a ride home to when he had no way to get home unfriended me and blocked me on Facebook and this incident has absolutely nothing to do with him. I told a friend who I actually met these other former friends through what happened and even showed him the conversation between me and the other guy. My other friend didn't get what the big deal was, and went to go meet up with them for a get together and asked them what was going between me and them. The two former friends expressed that they don't think they want to be friends with me anymore and that the reason was because they said I was always checking my phone during game night which I was because I had family stuff going on and I am too overly nice and polite and have a dark sense of humor. My other friend had said to them that almost have the same type of sense of humor I do and he has hear them on numerous occasions make anime girl jokes. He also asked if this was still bothering them why could they call or ask to meet up with me and I guess they just brushed it off. He also brought to the two them the time I drove an hour to pick one of them at a train station in NY because one of the hopped on the wrong train and I had no problem going out of my way for them because I think of friends as family. I was even there for one of them when one of their parents past away and went out of my way to make they were good. I have just recently found out that the young lady from game night and my former friend who I had the back and forth with are now dating. Even after what happened I hold no hard feelings towards anyone and wish them the best although I do feel what the young lady was very cowardly and she knew me well enough to know that I had no intention on doing anything to her and that one former who unfriended and blocked on social media is a follower and a punk. Now I feel this has affected my relationship with others who are a part of that friend group who weren't even part of game night because they don't return my texts or phone calls and they are all out for a friends birthday at a restaurant which I wasn't invited to, I try not let bother me but it kind of does and I just don't understand how a minuscule joke or opinion could have affect my relationships in such a huge way.
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Reply Mon 18 Jul, 2016 04:53 am
It seems to me that perhaps you don't pick up on peoples bodylanguage / discomforture too well. A lot of people have this issue. It takes a bit of work to overcome.

Secondly, if you read through what you've written once more, and count the number of times you didn't listen (or didn't pick up on peoples discomfort), you'll arrive at a substantial number.

That is not to say that this has all been a one way street - it's quite obvious that:
- your friends didn't listen to you very well; and
- didn't say anything about their discomfort.

I think your question was framed in a way that isn't helpful to you. I would suggest 'Did I do anything to make my friends uncomfortable?' Friends are friends because they like a person, have fun with that persons, and are comfortable around that person.
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Reply Mon 18 Jul, 2016 06:07 am
Well. . . this has grown into a huge issue, hasn't it? And it really was not about Valentine's Day. It's about this group's dynamics, the way you interact with people, and your hyper- sensitivity when discussing issues.

Think about it: does this group pick on one person or another when in group discussions. I have a feeling that this group has a pecking order, and it was 'your time" to be ganged up on.

I'd like to suggest that all of you have outgrown each other and it's time to move on. The dynamics of the group has changed. A romance has even blossomed - something you perceive as a "betrayal" to the group.

In the meantime get a thicker skin and learn how to listen and step back when discussing frivolous issues like what girls perceive as the meaning of Valentine's Day.

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