How to tell kids about divorce...

Your almost ex has a major league problem. He wants YOU to be a party to making you the villian in the piece. Don't get caught up in that.

I would simply tell the kids, "Daddy and mommy are not going to be living together anymore, but we will always love you. Your almost ex can say what HE wants, but I think that you need to point out how injurious emotionally what he wants to say will impact on the kids.

Watch out for your ex....it sounds like he is going to use the kids to get back at you. That is terribly unfair and destructive to the children. Don't let him get away with that!

But what if that's true Phoenix? As a father does he not have the right to make it known that were it his decision the marriage would not be ending?

IMO if only one spouse wants to separate it's perfectly fine for the other to insist that that reality be what is expressed.

Say, if I loved my wife but she ceased to love me and wanted a divorce she would be welcome to it.

But I sure as hell wouldn't say that "mommy and daddy don't love each other anymore". I'd say that "mommy doesn't love daddy anymore, even if daddy still loves mommy".

It's more truthful and fair in that hypothetical.

If that's true, then why is he insisting that she get out on her @$$? How is that supposed to make a marriage work?

Bi- Kids have to be told things on a level that they can understand. Right now the important thing is to let them know that they are loved, and THE DIVORCE IS NOT THEIR FAULT. By placing blame, the kids are going to be torn between their two parents. I would bet that the husband will get around to having the kids "take sides". That is not conducive to helping the children deal with the trauma of divorce, or their future emotional stability.

If the kids were say, 10 and 12, I might react differently. At five and seven, they will have enough of their own crap to deal with. They don't have to be put into the middle of a power struggle between two parents!

Phoenix is right.

I don't have kids and I'm not divorced but as a legal guardian for a young child I have had an up close and personal look at what it does to a child when the parents try to use the child as a weapon against the other parent.

I'm with Phoenix. State the fact that Mommie and Daddy will not be living together anymore, BUT Mommie and Daddy still both love them very much.

Keep the adults lives and choices out of the explanation the same way that you'd keep the kids out of the bedroom during lovemaking. Lovemaking...hate making--same rules. NOT KIDS' BUSINESS.

Talk from the kids point of view. Will there rooms be the same? Their beds? Who will fix breakfast (and favorite breakfasts will not change)? Lunch money or packed school lunch? Who will supervise baths? Bedtime stories?

Concentrate on their lives and their disruption--not the hatemaking.

Hold your dominion.

Here, here! KEEP IT SIMPLE when you talk to them.

Also, in Hawaii, we have a "Children in Transition," program that all children 5-18 are mandated to attend when parents are getting divorced. You might want to check what your local family court has to offer/recommends.

you can tell children the truth without laying blame of any kind if you take the time and trouble to do it......hide things from the kids so as not to traumatize them is a cop out.....IMO

Mommy (or Daddy) has asked for a divorce because we can't work out our problems but we both love you completely, that's one thing we do agree on.......if it was up to me we wouldn't get a divorce but sometimes I do things or act in certain ways that make Mommy (or Daddy) feel that we can't be together.....but none of this has anything to do with anything you've done wrong......and no matter how Mommy and Daddy are getting along we will both love you and never fight about you......

truth told....reassurances given....child not used as a weapon....what's the problem?

I also have to agree with Phoenix on this one. I've seen so many situations get way out of hand starting off just like this and it could get ugly. I think the children are too young to understand and could be told when they are older. Sometimes when our children are very young, we have to stretch the truth a bit to protect them. I know when my son was little, I had to do some fudging of the truth about his father to spare his feelings. When he was old enough to handle the complete truth, I told him and he understood completely why I couldn't earlier in his life. He actually appreciate me doing what I had to do to protect him from that sad truth.

I can see your side of it Bi-Polar but I don't think divorce happens in a vaccuum.

If one partner is asking for a divorce there is usually a reason and both are to "blame". I know that there are people who are selfish and inconsiderate but I think that the truly narcissitc are rare (thankfully).