Ollive
 
Reply Sun 3 Jul, 2016 05:57 pm
Today I began thinking again about my sexuality, no it is not the first time. I have questioned it fairly often- once verbally to an old friend. I even explained to her why I questioned.

She and I were close childhood friends. Now as adults we reconnected on Facebook and she has a life partner. It was probably five years ago or so that I was in touch with her and congratulated her and expressed my ...confusion (maybe?)...

She told me she could understand how it could seem confusing and was relieved it hadn't been confusing for her. She hoped I was able to figure it out. Clearly her experience was not at all what I was describing.

I went on to take the Kinsey Test and Dr. Epstein's sexuality evaluation to find them both very similar. Although I have never had a sexual encounter with a member of the same sex apparently I qualify in the realm of bisexual. My mind isn't blown. What I wonder is if it is something I should have explored before now though?

Here I am nearly forty-five, my closest relationships are women, but haven't ever been intimate with women. Am I a lesbian? Am I bi? Is there a way for me to figure this out without bizarre sexual experimentation?

I don't dislike men. I haven't had great relationships (intimately with either gender), the few good ones I have had I sabotaged myself.

It all leaves me questioning.

The man I am dating now, highly intelligent. He is handsome and kind. There are certain aspects that put me off, I can't decide if I am looking for reasons to get out or if they are genuine.

For instance, I don't like the way he smells, not body odor, but the smell of his skin when we brush up against each other. I don't like the way he chews. I appreciate his intelligence but don't appreciate the idea that this means he knows everything, in fact I feel he may have a lower emotional intelligence. He doesn't read social cues well and he is stagnant a lot of the time. He is older than me and seems to be content sitting around or napping (often), this bores me. He doesn't really seem to have any hobbies. He can't do anything in the kitchen (literally). His happiness seems to rely on me.

All this said, he is exceptionally supportive of everything I say or do. He is never overly interested in intimacy (so I don't have to worry there). He genuinely enjoys my company and that is all he needs. He listens. He typically thinks before he speaks and makes sure he uses the perfect language for whatever needs to be relayed. He is a loving father. He is great great at his job. He is thoughtful. He likes to take care of me (which is new and hard for me).

I am at a loss.
Any advice?
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CalamityJane
 
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Reply Sun 3 Jul, 2016 10:47 pm
Your description of your partner is generalized and could easily be said of many other men. They're intelligent, kind, being good fathers and so on.
Usually, what sets a man apart from all others is that you fell in love with him. The reasons why one falls in love with a particular person, are as different as people itself, but deciding that he/she is the one, makes it a special, unique relationship.

I don't get this feeling that your partner is the one for you. We have a proverb "If you can't stand the smell of a person, you don't like him/her!" It has some merit, in your case it's part of a wider aspect. The way you wrote about him not being too interested in sex and your reply (so you don't have to worry....)
tells us that you're not interested in having sex with him either.

My advice would be to not worry so much about your own sexuality,
you need to find out why you're turned off by your current partner and take appropriate steps. Get into a relationship that is as fulfilling sexually as it is intellectually - then you have your answer!

Good luck!
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