[20 m] trying to fix a rocky past with [20 f]

I'm in love. I shouldn't be, but I am.

In junior high, I became best friends with this girl, we'll call her S, and developed a serious crush. She didn't like me that way, and actually dated some of my closest friends. Though hard for me, I never said a word.

We remained friends early in high school, and started "talking" near the end of freshman year. I started to fall for her, and it scared me. I had never let myself fall into love, and be that vulnerable. I was very into athletics; traveling, training, and competing all over the country. The fact that there was something, someone, that was as important to me as my sports career terrified me. S left for a long vacation, and I started hanging out with a couple of the older kids on my team. Trying to be cool, I started talking to another girl. This was my "out." I was too afraid of my growing compassion for S, so I made a way to remove myself from it. She was devastated, and hated me.

Fast forward to sophomore year, and we had made up. I hung out with S a few times, and we were, once more, on the brink of becoming something. We had kissed and gone on dates. I was again scared of loving her, and I broke it off. She now hated me even more. Soon after this situation, I started talking to another girl, who I'll call M. Somehow, I allowed myself to enter a relationship with M, and it lasted.

I barely spoke to S during my junior year, as I was in a relationship with M. I still thought about S a lot, and missed our friendship.

Near the end of senior year, after not meeting my main athletic goals, I was depressed. I didn't want to do anything, or speak, and felt worthless. I covered this up as best as I could, and not many noticed a huge difference. It was a very difficult time for me. At a time when I needed help, S reached out to me. We had a class together, and started studying with each other. I did not tell my girlfriend, M, about this budding friendship. We started having problems, and S helped me through them. I ended up breaking up with M, so that I could be with S. I ended a two year long relationship for her, and she was mine once more. I ended up taking S's virginity near the beginning of summer, and I was happy with her.

All of a sudden, I needed M back. I had been with her for 2 years and gone through a tremendous amount of personal turmoil with her by my side. She was my first and only long term girlfriend. So, I made the choice to get M back. Though absolutely gut wrenching for me, I thought I made the right choice. S hated me more than ever. She deleted me from every social media platform, and tried to forget I ever existed. She told me to never speak to her again.

Fast forward to the end of my freshman year of college. M and I had added another year to our relationship, and it was time to move on. The relationship was going nowhere, we had been in a "rut" for months. We mutually broke it off.

A few days later, I reached out to S. I was not trying to get back with her, or even be friends. I needed to tell her how sorry I was, and explain myself. I knew I had done wrong, and I was sure she wouldn't want to be my friend. But, I reached out and apologized. We started texting, and ended up hanging out to talk more. Turns out, she'd been with a guy, we'll call him W, for over 6 months, and cared about him a lot. I was very happy for her. I was exhilarated to have her back into my life, even if it was just as a distant friend.

That night, while talking in her car, she sat on my lap and kissed me. It was amazing, and spontaneous. After, she said that the last time we kissed (end of senior year) she didn't know it would be the last, and that she needed to do it once more. The moment our lips touched, I realized that I had never been so infatuated with anything in my life. It took me very much time and even more gained maturity, but I finally had realized how much I love her.

The two of us have gone through so many failed attempts, and it's all my fault. When things are good between us, they're very good. We are extremely similar, and even going to college for very similar things. I care about S so much, and still get nervous every time I see her, and I know she feels the same.

But, she is with W; though W doesn't want to "make it official." They do things that a boyfriend and girlfriend would, but aren't officially "dating." Even though she's with another guy, we have hung out 7 days in a row since talking in her car. We have stayed the last 3 nights together. We have not had sex, but have kissed a lot and done other stuff. We keep telling ourselves to practice self control, but we can't resist one another. W has no idea about anything.

She says she is happy with her man, but doesn't act like it. Deservingly, S is extremely apprehensive to begin a relationship with me. I have done her wrong in the past, and I have done it multiple times. I understand her worries. But I love her, and I want her. Im positive that she is the one I want. I've never been able to see a future with another girl, but can visualize the rest of my life with S. I don't know what to do.

If I want to, I know that I can make her my girl. But, I don't want to cause any more problems for her, I've done enough. I don't know that I can morally pry her away from her relationship any more than I have in the last week. I would be very happy to be with her, but I would have to ruin something good she has going on.

I love this girl, and I don't know what to do about it.