Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press...no one will answer because no one cares.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969 or 696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0-0-0.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you are blonde, please, please don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up...no one wants to talk to you.